guy i'm seeing doesn't initiate anything

[confusedinlove]

so, i'm 17, and this guy i've being talking to is 19. i'm not a "virgin" by any meaning of the word (except the archaic meaning "maiden"), but the handful of experiences i've had were initiated by the other person. most were entirely consensual, but i'm just not used to being in the driver's seat. the problem: he's...shy, i guess? not just about sexual things - i'm always the one who has to ask him out and text first, though i'm certain he likes me. we've known each other since last fall, but we just recently kissed for the first time (which is super weird for me because i've kissed most of my friends.) he did initiate that (he ASKED, which no one else has done for me before - it's kind of sweet) but only after i invited him over to my house with no one home to "watch a movie". (i actually considered just saying "netflix and chill", but thought better of it.) in the rest of my life, i'm not a shy, submissive, or uncommunicative person by any stretch of the imagination, but in this area i guess i've got issues. i'd like for things to escalate, but do you have any advice on how i can either get over myself and be the one to take initiative, or get him to do the same?

[Mo]

It can be really tough to be the one taking initiative in a relationship like this, and since it sounds like you've had experiences with previous partners who were more comfortable initiating, I can understand why it feels challenging to think about taking the initiative more. What I'd suggest is having a conversation with him, not in the moment when you're kissing but at some other time when you're just chatting, about what sorts of physical intimacy you're both interested in right now and how you feel about initiating things all the time. A lot of people will work on initiating more often if they know their partner would appreciate it, and talking directly about it is definitely the best way to open up that conversation and let him know you're thinking about it.
Does that feel like a conversation you could have with him?

[confusedinlove]

yeah, see, this is the problem. it's hard for me to bring that sort of thing up, especially in an undefined relationship like this. to talk about something like that would be to break the sort of plausible deniability we've maintained and admit i'm quite invested. i also don't want to come off as critical or pushy, because i already have a tendency to be kind of a bitch about other things. like i said, this is a field in which i have, in the past, been much more passive than my regular personality. i'd rather just keep flirting and dropping hints and stuff, but that's hard for me because, and i probably should've mentioned this in the op, i'm autistic. that also contributes to some insecurity and fear about being clingy or not realizing someone's just not into me. so, assuming that i do talk to him about it, do you have any ideas for what i could say?

[Sam W]

Hi confusedinlove,

I can see how knowing this will remove that plausible deniability makes this situation even more intimidating.There are a few different strategies that can make this conversation a little easier, and you can find a good rundown of them here: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. In addition to Mo's advice about not doing this in a moment where kissing is already happening, I'd also say that the more you can present it as a low-stakes question, the better. So, saying something like, "hey, I've really been enjoying making out, but I'm realizing I'd be interested in doing other physical stuff as well. How do you feel about that?" And then listen to his answer and use the conversation to talk about what kinds of things you're each okay with.

Too, if it helps to re-frame it for yourself, there's nothing "bitchy" about clarifying boundaries, even if you're doing so because there's something you want to try but aren't sure if it's okay. Talking about boundaries is a show of respect for a partner and for yourself which, to me, is the opposite of bitchy.

[confusedinlove]

thanks. honestly, reading that article and imagining saying any of that stuff to him made me realize that we're just not at that point quite yet. in the past, i've been in the habit of just letting things happen, and the fact that it's gonna be up to me this time might be good. it was helpful to talk things out, thank you.

[Sam W]

I'm glad the article helped you find that clarity and that talking things out here has been helpful! If you have any other questions down the line, you know where to find us