I'm Confused

[girlplayer34]

So basically I've been single my whole life, I've never had a girlfriend. I sometimes I don't know if I do, it sounds amazing to have someone in your life that loves and cares for you but I also like being alone. Seeing some of my friends in relationships they always have to go out and hangout with their friends and to me that sounds exhausting. I am very introverted so I am drained when I hangout with people. I've always told myself that staying single this long would allow be to find a real partner but there are days that I wrestle with that idea. I've never had romance before I don't know what it feels like to have someone do that for me and sometimes I don't know if I want the experience it sounds great but would I actually enjoy it? my therapist says I'm afraid of rejection which is true but thats not why I fear that this is something I wont figure out. Maybe I do want a relationship I'm just afraid of the end result be honest when it comes to dating I fear whats out there waiting for me if I decided to take that jump.

[Jacob]

Hiya!

It sounds to me like through the past few years you've done really well at staying true to what you wanted (and didn't want) and what you were feeling at the time. I'm not hearing that you're somebody who has wanted to date or have a partner while liking the thought of it occasionally but are now getting curious about the possibility for real. Is that right?

I think there is a myth out there that 'healthy' people have 'healthy' relationships which apparently means finding a partner and forming a couple, that way all of us who don't feel that way are made to feel like there is something wrong with us, or to be told that we need fixing. So while I don't know what's true for you, I want to be careful not to agree straight away that fear of rejection is the only explanation. As you say, you're unsure about that explanation yourself, as though it's more of a mix.

I wonder if there might be a possibility you can experiment with dating without it feeling like you're making an irreversable 'jump'?

That would be one way to become closer to understanding what actually feels good, and if when you get past some initial fears whether your desire to carry on dating increases or stays closer to what your preference has been until now.

There's no reason why you couldn't decide "nope, I'm not into it" and then work on other stuff instead.

How has it been going with the therapist otherwise, have they been helpful in other areas?

[girlplayer34]

I wanted a serious, long term relationship when I was 4 years old I mean we all the know the stories fair-tales we tell ourselves. But once I found out I was gay I think I was often punished for wanting love so now it's like a taboo to me, making me wanting it more because of how shocked and ashamed I am by the feeling. Then that leads into to the 'not being good enough to be loved' thing and it becomes real high stakes. I was always terrified of not being good enough for it. I went to my therapist because I wanted to know how to stop wanting loved or being loved because Its a feeling I've always wrestled with but now I don't know I've spent so much time alone that maybe my mind is playing with the idea.

[Jacob]

I see!

Not feeling good enough for love is a horrible horrible feeling. I have no doubt you are plenty good enough for the right people who you could be dating! I also don't think there is anything to be ashamed of in having adjusted to taboos or fears that were around you at a certain time... We often just want to feel safe and if you felt safer by ruling out relationships for whatever length of time then that makes a lot of sense, and maybe even helped you get through things.

I'm really glad you went to see a therapist, and that it has perhaps started a journey for you where you can explore a wider spread of possibilities which you haven't considered for a long time. That doesn't mean all the 'bad things' from those possibilies will tumble down on you, for now it sounds like all you're doing is considering them.

Going forward I also don't think we can ever be definitive about exactly what we want with another person who we haven't met yet... Dating, in my opinion, is a little better when you don't have that fully decided, and where it's just as useful to work out which sort of connections aren't going to work... Maybe thinking about it that way will make it feel less like a win/lose gamble?

[girlplayer34]

I'm a little confused what do you mean dating is better when you haven't fully decided ? I have also felt like love is a gamble no matter how I looked at either I'm happy or I get hurt there are no other options. My therapist thinks I am trying to deflect but it doesn't feel like that to me. I mean what do we know about love ? I'm a very logically person so when it comes to the history of things there is no joke love through out history has been changed for the better purpose I mean Valentines day is even a lie. The priest Valentine who married people secret was true but the story didn't end well the pope found out and made everyone get an aliment and Valentine was beheaded. Even with Shakespeare most of his plays ended in tragedy I just don't see why love is worth fighting for.

[Jacob]

I did not know that about valentines day! Thanks, pretty interesting! ... I am pretty critical of traditions like that anyway.

What I meant when I said dating can be better when you *don't* know is related to that. When people go in with a super precise image of who they want to date, exactly how they want to date... It can sometimes get in the way of getting to know new people or discovering new unexpected wants or preferences.

I have had plenty of experiences in love and dating that were tough... Even painful but that is mixed up with lots of good stuff too. And I appreciate all of it because it both helped me learn things to avoid in future and gave me lots of happy memories.

The truth is that it's almost always a bit of both. Maybe exercise is a good metaphor, you can benefit from a bit of pain when pushing yourself. But also will want to be careful to only do what you can handle. You could also get injured and have stop sport until you've healed and sometimes your plan to do your favourite sport forever changes.

I don't know if that helps a little?