My crush didn’t show up for a video chat ... now what to do.

[Sabine]

I have been waiting for my crush and date to show up on Friday at 7 PM my time on Instagram, but she didn’t. But, she did say she was helping her sister move and settle in. She also didn’t respond to me since Tuesday, but followed me on Instagram and I am sure flirted with me a lot un the last full interaction.

So, yeah she most likely be busy, but I don’t know how to keep myself consistently stable and to remind myself, while keeping realistic expectations. How do I keep that in mind without predicting wrong or going insane? I am really anxious that she will end up not following up, which is always an fear of mine.

However, my fears ended up being wrong because the last time I thought she ended up ghosting me, she was really busy with helping her cousin move in. When we talked for an hour, we really talked on and on for one session. She said in one exchange when I talked about my good grades “Gorgeous and intelligent. A girl who can do both”. And also when I said she is the queen (in reference to a Pride outfit where she looked like royalty), she said “With my fame and your royalty, we make a good fair, don’t we”. I think this is flirting but I am not sure. Either way, I am hopeful that she can get back to me soon once she is not busy.

I just really want to have a relationship with her, but I hope she’s just free. How do I manage my expectations and anxiety? But, at the same time, how do I be honest with her where I do not alienate her? I want to show her I care and not overwhelm her, yet communicate what I want too. Also what do I do once she responds, because I really want to set up another date with her. And for sure she is not a Catfish because she’s verified by the app and she followed me on Instagram.

So this is the full situation, I would really like help in this case because since Tuesday she’s not been responsive nor checking my messages. I know people don’t live on their phones all the time, but I really just wanna video chat with her and when I asked her to do so that one time she said she would love to and was really looking forward to it (with emojis and all). I think she likes me, but I’m not so sure. Again considering some past situations and with me having some difficulty with therapy right now, it’s making my stress a little more worse. Much help would be appreciated, if there’s any questions, please feel free to ask.

[Sam W]

Hi Sabine,

The comments you describe from her strike me as flirtatious, and it does sound like she enjoys talking with you, but just has other things that have to take priority sometimes.

As far as communicating with her about all this goes, how have you communicated your feelings to her thus far? For instance, if you enjoy talking with her, how do you let her know that?

When it comes to managing the anxiety around this, I think we're back to the fact that some of this comes down to learning how to challenge and break negative or unhelpful thought patterns. If you therapist hasn't given you any tools to do that, would you like a few that can walk you through those processes on your own?

[Sabine]

Thats what I got from it too and other people got from it too. I was thinking of writing like a short little message on my dating app letting her know I thought about her. I haven’t communicated that I have enjoyed talking to her thus far, but I am thinking of doing it in a future message. After all, before that date past, when I purposed to her she said Yes, we started planning and she said she really looked forward to videochatting with me. Also, she followed my Instagram as well. How do I do that without invading her texting space too much? Like get her when she is available texting wise?

She has, it’s just I have not tried them so much or I forget because I am at a moderate or extreme level. I’m also sleeping less and less because trying new strategies, so that could be why. I have some strategies, but they are more distraction than addressing the problem. I just you know, cannot make my inner negative critic go away or ignore the critic sometimes, idk ...

[Sabine]

Also, I want to tell her I like her at the right moment and signal to her that I like her so. However, at the same time I fear that just like the last crush, she is just too busy and won’t be able to have a relationship (for her). I mean I am busy too, but I want to have a relationship and plenty of friends too.

I just hope all goes well!

[Mo]

I think that sometimes waiting for the "right moment" can mean you wind up waiting longer than you need to to tell someone how you're feeling. You can't really know a perfect time to say something, because you can't know what's going on in her life and when she might feel most inclined to chat, but I think sending a low-key message like "I really enjoy talking to you and I like you a lot, can we schedule another time to chat?" is something that's appropriate to do at any time.

[Sabine]

Okay, I sent her a message. I hope to get one soon. I just don’t want it to be like my other “busy” crush who didn’t end up contacting me at all and deleting her instagram (actually all forms of contact with me).

My message was on Instagram and I had to go through some guidance with my Dad. It was “ Hey, I heard fires in California are getting much worse! I hope all is well with you and you are doing well.” I was struggling whether I should do the dating app or Instagram lol.

I’m so anxious because thats what we agreed upon, but I’m worried that it will touch a nerve with her. Either way, I’m worried she will not end up not wanting to videochat with me because she is busy or because she fallen for someone else. I am just remembering experiences and I know that it won’t dictate my future, but I really don’t want it to happen again which is why I am trying to get the best advice possible so that I don’t alienate her and she doesn’t reject me both as a friend or a GF!

[Sabine]

So ... I know that I shouldn’t ask this question, but what to you think will most likely happen. I really don’t want the reason that this spark doesn’t happen is because of her being busy and of me being busy as well. And I really also don’t wanna overwhelm her as well, as she hasn’t been checking both the dating app and Instagram.

But she has indeed apologized in the past for being late with messages and has followed me on Insta. So what does that say?

[Sam W]

As we've said before, that's just not something we can predict. And, perhaps more importantly, at a certain point it's not something you can predict either. At this point, it may be most helpful to focus your energy on a few different things besides trying to predict her reactions.

The first thing to work on is what you would need in order to start scaling back how attached or invested you get in these very casual connections. It's not that being interested in someone or wanting to date them is bad, but as you've identified, getting very invested very quickly just tends to lead to anxiety on your end. We've covered some ideas for how to scale back that pattern in previous threads, so what I'd suggest is going back through those and looking for things to try.

The next thing to do is to find ways to start scaling back on that impulse to try and optimize your approach to dating to be the most perfect it can be. Especially in new relationships, allowing space for things to be low-key (as Mo suggested earlier in this thread) and imperfect is really important, because it takes pressure off of you and off of the other person. Too, you can do things in the most optimal way and still not have them work out. That's not a comforting thought, but it's the reality of dating (and a lot of other things). So, it may help to take some time to think about what you'd need to feel okay with things not going perfectly in your dating life. Does that all make sense?

[Sabine]

I have been doing some things besides focusing on her reactions and that can be good or bad. I have been playing Animal Crossing, working on school, working on my internship, swimming and walking. But, also a lot happened, my sister perhaps is going away to college, I am forgetting to discuss finding a new therapist with my parents, I cannot attend a DVC club and I had to drop a class I really wanted due to a time difference. So, I would really like a relationship to keep consistently, not just exclusively a girlfriend. I feel like I am trapped with the same people and I am nervous to go out by myself for fear of getting lost (keep forgetting to learn with my parents).

But I want to balance not getting attached with some hope to it. Because I do not want to become so cold, you know what I mean. Like get attached at wrong points and then detached at wrong points. Like, I still want to hold hope and believe that it would work out (not with her but maybe one day soon, idk).

That makes sense. Should I reduce the risk of asking other people for advice? I always use that as a crutch to reduce me being anxious and texting them and therefore alienating them again. I always think I am hurting them somehow because also of my social awkwardness and my autism too (again I know other autistics have relationships and I know my worth, but I have scared off people in the past ).

[Sabine]

This is one of the reasons why I am cautious about dating people in Austria. I know I am set to go to the US. I am so set in the future and want to plan for the future. I don’t want to set them up with the expectation that we won’t end up for the long haul (more than 3 weeks - 5 months) or that she will move JUST for me because thats a horrible idea for anyone. I know I will be anxious about that and maybe she will be too, no matter what emotions, we won’t be attached. This is not like Before Sunrise. So, that’s why I want to date my crush in the USA and best part - she understands my situation. I hope she gets back to me soon because of that.

I had (and still have) incredibly poor luck in terms of dating. Maybe thats because people see through my self confiendece to find self hatred (according to my parents) or maybe its because I am gay and want a certain type of woman. Either way, why I get attached is because I have horrible luck in comparison to my sister or to anyone in my life even though I have plenty of amazing qualities.

I also don’t want to waste time with bad or mediocre women before I get to the good women. And I don’t know if I am a goof judge of that because I want someone also thats good in the looks department as well as identifies herself as a femme like me and has a good personality lol.

[Sam W]

While I think it's good to know what you want in a partner (and to know you'd rather date someone in the U.S), it may help to figure out what you'd need to feel more comfortable with the idea that you may not find a girlfriend who's a good fit for you on the first or second try. Dating involves a lot of trial and error, so it's not "wasting time" to date people who turn out to not be a great fit; it's just part of the process. Does that make sense?

If you're realizing that part of why you're' so quick to get attached is that you feel like you have bad luck or are behind the other people in your life when it comes to dating, something to try is to remember that there is no timeline that a person "should" be on when it comes to dating. We each go at our own pace.

I also want to circle back to something that we've mentioned in previous threads, which is learning to do more and more without the assistance of your parents, or taking small risks to help you get more comfortable with risk taking in general. For instance, is there a reason you need your parent's help finding a therapist? Or is it something you could potentially do on your own?

[Sabine]

I would like someone who at least has my looks type and has a good personality. And likes me back. Because this will be my first relationship, if I communicate with them beyond a month and see them often via videochat because quarantine. I also feel like I have to prove to my parents that this is real because they said when I dated my first date that it wasn’t a real relationship. And I agreed with that. My sister had relationships longer and deeper than me.

And its not about a should for me, its about a want. Well, also technically a should. I don’t want to feel like ret**ded and a virgin in the bad sense. That’s going to have to have some time to get over. Again, I’m autistic, have OCD and I am gay. Feel like its a bad thing for most because other people with my disorders had relationships and that I want to prove that I am NOT my disorders.

There is a reason - finances. They fund my therapist and they pay for it. Especially during COVID-19, I feel anxious to get outside of the house alone especially when its a new environment with a foreign language and I forget to remind them to teach me. My fault, not theirs.

Update about my crush: Still has not responded to my messages on Instagram or my dating app. I am now more worried. This has not been keeping me up too bad, but I want to talk to her so bad as well. I want it to be like the last time where she answered me just when I thought she ghosted me. I am so stressed that it is going to be like the last two times, one where a girl ended up with her neighbor and the other where the girl ghosted me forever. I don’t know what to do but wait, but I want to be ready.

How do I most likely predict the outcome? Is it a good idea? How do I decrease anxiety? How do I be okay with not predicting the future and the outcome. I am fixated and remembering the past so much already, I am anxious and scared. I really want it to work though because she is flirty and she followed my insta ... so that’s something.

[Mo]

I'd encourage you to listen most to the parts of you that want a relationship for yourself, over the parts that want to show other people that you're more than your disorders. To be clear, it's no good when people judge you by disorders or differences you have, or think you aren't capable of relationships or other things because of them. I can understand why you'd have that desire to show people that they don't define you, especially since it sounds like some of those feelings might be impacted by the feelings of some of your family members. But if a relationship feels like a statement, or proof of something, that can sometimes negatively impact the dynamic between the people who are actually in the relationship together.

Have you taken a look at things we've suggested in earlier threads to help you start scaling back how attached or invested you get with people you're meeting online, like Sam mentioned above? I think that would be a good place to start. We do also have some anxiety resources here, if you want to check them out to look for some ways to manage your anxiety about the situation: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources.
I do think that trying to make any predictions about what's going to happen, with this person in particular or with other women you may be interested in later on, isn't going to be helpful for you and will likely reinforce your feelings of anxiety, instead of helping you decrease the amount of anxiety you're feeling. It can be scary to know you can't predict what's going to happen, but since you can't, I think trying to wean yourself off of the impulse to make those predictions is a good goal.

[Sabine]

Well, one way that my parents try to make me feel better (and other previous “crushes”) is to say that she is not even a crush.

But, would she even even count as a crush? I mean we have had exchanges with her on the app and I had never seen her on camera. However, she had given pictures of me and verified herself. My parents think I am just attached with the idea of her, which is true, but thats the idea of a crush is, not being in love! I feel like I have to validate everything with my parents, but secretly I think other things inside. 

I don’t know, I should just shut up and listen to everyone around me. My mom said to pretend that she was on vacation she was busy and to stop making things up about her and assuming stuff. Finally got me to SHUT UP about her and shut the about my self loathing shit otherwise I might as well delete this app (considered doing it and giving in, but mainly taking a break and talking to other people). I really don’t want to delete it though because I sometimes have problems with self loathing, but I feel like its on me to fix it. Thus, I will shut up about my crush and shut up in general.

But, who am I kidding, I am stuck in COVID with mostly my family who have to bear with my bad days! We all have to bear eachother bad days and issues. I really want sometimes to stop because its like I have a choice to accept the feedback, which is true. I feel like I made Moms morning even bad even though she said, “I feel great for you waking up and writing a great essay”. Not having a therapist (with taking a break with my therapist) can even be tricky, so I have no choice but to use strategies, which I am not doing. Everyone is busy with other stuff and my sister is going to move soon. So, I am worried my mental health going to go more downhill. So, I’m going to read your article, but what to do about all of this?

[Sam W]

If you're noticing your mental health is heading down hill, or you're worried that stuff going on around you may cause it to do that, then it would be sound to either reconnect with your therapist or look for a new one. That's especially true if you're struggling to use the coping strategies you've been given in the past (that's a common thing to struggle with, by the way, because doing things to challenge our unhelpful behaviors or thoughts can be tricky). Do you think you can try connecting with a mental healthcare resource sometime this week?

You're right that the feelings you're describing match up with having a crush. But more than that, it's actually pretty unhelpful of your parents to act as though they, and not you, are the arbiter of your feelings. Too, it's not actually that supportive to respond to someone saying "I feel X" with "no, you don't" or "you should feel Y."

[Sabine]

This all started because I wanted to send her a short birthday message on the app. I thought was younger than me, but she turned a year older than me. I wasn’t sure whether it was her real birthday, as I don’t give major sites my real birthday. I wanted to ask her this and if this was true, say happy birthday.

Also, send her some RuPaul memes because I was guessing she is stressed from helping her sister move and stuff in California. I was asking my parents to do that when Mom told me that good advice. Now, I am wondering if its a good idea to do always and think always want your parents say. I want validation by the people who I love, lived and who have acess to my life the most. However, deep down I have some personal vaules.

Ultimately, I don’t want to mess it up with her and be considered pushy, creepy and all the way a stalker. I don’t want my autism, social awardness and anxiety to take over and to loose another relationship. I also to know when something will never work out and to practise restraint.

[Sam W]

It makes a lot of sense to want validation and support from the people you feel closest to. But I think it's important to note that there nobody in our lives, be that parents, partners, or friends, will always give good advice or know what they're talking about. Everybody, parents included, is fallible and human, which means it's a good idea to check the advice your parents give you against your own knowledge, feelings, and beliefs. Does that make sense?

Too, how does looking into connecting or reconnecting with a therapist this week sound to you?

In case you haven't seen them yet, we have pieces by Douglas Laman about navigating the dating world while autistic that might be really helpful for you going forward: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/disa ... her_people.

[Sabine]

Yes I can. I actually sent out a form to my college counseling program to try and get me to connect me with a counselor. It’s without my parents permission, but turns out I don’t have to pay for any of it, although I should ask in an email.

Thats what I was thinking too. I do understand their intentions, trying to keep me grounded and reasonable. Trying to keep me thinking with logical rather than my emotions (because I tend to overthink and I am that kind of girl).

[Sabine]

Yes this is what they were trying to do, give me good advice. I don’t know if they ended up doing that well.

I have seen it. First of all, I thought of women before as that, but not any more. Now I am overly careful of how they are feeling, like I sometimes think over and over if this could work out and how can it best work out. I am more careful with my responses because of that and thinking of that future as well (which is why I am more cautious of dating in Austria and in places in Europe and long distance).

[Sabine]

What I was elaborating was that in fear of being a “lack of women” that I both like and that like me back for dating reasons, I have to date someone I don’t like. Which of course is never a good thing, but its taking eons for me and my mind.

I also don’t want to have to feel like I am dating only autistic people even though I never dated someone who is autistic. This is because multiple suggested autistic only dating apps and I don’t think thats the solution. I don’t want to have to feel like I have to “take care of” someone and put up with leaving early on activities I like and doing ONLY what they like due to their issues of sensory or its because they are inflexible. I don’t want to have to clean up after them as well, like my last roomate. I try to be extremely self-reliant and independent and flexible as much as possible (with the exception of Austria, although I should be more adaptive to that as well. Its due to anxiety of getting lost) and thats why I try not to become someone that someone can take care of or vice versa. I’m not mean’t to be a caretaker and I’ll never be.

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear you reached out to the counseling resource, hopefully they can get you linked up with someone soon.

I think it's good to know what you are and are not comfortable with in terms of the dynamics of a relationship. But it's also worth keeping in mind that dating another autistic person wouldn't automatically mean being their caretaker. That doesn't mean you should limit your dating pool to other autistic folks, but neither does it mean you should exclude them entirely. We choose our potential partners based on lots of different factors, so it could be someone who is autistic or allistic has the traits you're looking for.

Too, what do you think you'd need in order to start feeling comfortable with the idea that you don't have to date someone you don't like? In other words, what do you think would help you remember that you get to wait and date a person who makes you happy?

[Sabine]

Thats what I mean, I don’t want to exclude autistic people. But, I don’t want to use autistic-only dating sites as well (assuming that autistic women will accept me for me much quicker and will be more loyal). So, its basically me.

I already have that idea, that self respect and preservation and reputation triumphs desperation. I don’t want to look desperate and I don’t want to hurt myself even more because I have been wasting time with relationships that have drained me. I want whats best for myself, but sometimes I don’t believe it would happen and sometimes I wished what would have happened if I dated people who liked me who I didn’t like back, especially one person. That is guy in high school who asked I was gay and I said yes, yet nevertheless, made comments like “how much money would you have to kiss a guy”, asked me for my physical address at the time, only wanted to go to the prom if I invited him (not any girl, because its a small school and I was going with my friend at the time), would text me over and over if I did not respond and many more. But, finally he tried to offer a whole switch in order to let him kiss me (later it was games for a selfie). I reported it to the school and he was suspended, but he sent a picture of his cut up forehands to me.

Just he was one of the first people to desire me fully enough to go ahead and pursue me, but it made me really feel unsafe. So in the end, I am glad I got out of it because I also obeyed the schools rules, but also I wondered if I just ended up with him just to shut him up and be kind to him, he didn’t have any really good friends as well. He was autistic like me after all, but I had no desire to date him or have any desires to date any guys.

[Sabine]

And also, why is she special and I have a crush on her:
1. Well, she flirted with me obviously
2. She accepted my distance situation and she understood it and she didn’t shy away from it when I told her.
3. She accepted my invitation to video chat once I said so and we started planning.
4. She was showing pictures of herself and of her pets when I did so. Sharing my same energy and my emojis and stuff.
5. She was so interested in my experiences and sharing hers to of overseas travel as well. We also bonded over RuPauls Drag Race
6. First time I thought she ghosted me, but she was just busy. Second, she followed my Instagram and apologized for being busy.
7. She hasn’t blocked me on those forms of communication!
8. She is a real person on that app, as she is verified by the program.

So, I may be just too stupid to not shut up about her in my mind. I am going to try and minimize my attachment. I hope she does come back. So that’s why I am trying to explain why she is special in my mind. Plus, COVID-19 and peer isolation is kinda playing with my head. I’m trying to interact with more of people who are friends on the dating app while waiting for my crush. But, I hope my feelings subside. I’ll see how it goes.

I really don’t want to be too cold about it. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst you know.

[Mo]

No wonder you felt unsafe with that guy, the way he was treating you! That sounds scary and upsetting and I'm sorry he pursued you in such an unwelcome and hostile way. You mention the idea of dating him when you didn't want to, as a way to be kind to him, and while he may not have seen it this way, I think being clear and honest with someone that you aren't interested is much kinder (to both of you!) than trying to force yourself into a relationship you don't want; there's no way that could be a positive or healthy relationship for you or for him.

I certainly understand why this person feels special to you and you got a crush! I don't think that you're stupid for continuing to think about her and wanting to stay in contact with her, and I hope you can be a little kinder to yourself around this. It's great that you're also reaching out and interacting with other people on that app; I think no matter what happens with this woman you're crushing on, it'll be good to meet and talk to more people on there.

[Sabine]

Thank you so much. That’s what I was exactly thinking. It was hard on me and I still think about it and how I don’t want to be like him. I am trying to fight the perceptions and my past mistakes all the time.

Thank you so much. And thats what I hope to do as well. I really also am eager to talk to people in general because COVID-19.

Again, I want to balance my hope and realistic expectations. I also hope to restrain myself and gauge her conditions and outlook on me, as I want to text her sometime soon but I don’t want to be too creepy or invasive if she ends up ignoring me, changing opinions about me or having a relationship. However, this would be in about 2 weeks to a month. How do I do that? How do I properly gauge the signals? Should I do it or am I just overthinking everything? Also, I want to ask my parents but currently I am focusing on friends. This is for the future.