Long Post: Sexual Frustration and Advice for Relationship

[poke_s7s5]

Hello everyone, I'm a regular visitor to Scarleteen and I love the knowledge provided and the support shown by everyone here. After lots of thinking, I finally decided to make a post here and ask for advice regarding my relationship. This is also a chance for me to get this off my chest, since I have no one else to talk to about it. Bear with me guys, this will be a long post. Very long, so I really appreciate your patience.

A bit of background. I'm male and my partner is female. We're a couple in our mid-20s and have been dating for 5 years. We have every intention of getting married in the future. She works as a tearista (like a barista, but tea, cause of the bubble tea trend) while I am a freelance software developer (I have lots of spare time and a very flexible schedule). We live in a tropical Asian country where there is a social stigma for couples in relationships and any sexual activity before marriage is frowned upon, but young adults and non-married people engage in it nonetheless. We are of the minority race and minority religion here, so I think we're lucky in that regard, because those from the majority religion and race will be persecuted for engaging in such activities.

Our parents (whom we are both not very close with, typical Asian parents) grew up in the very same environment and thus have the same type of mindset as well, so talking with them openly about this is not only discouraged, but downright unfilial. To them, sex is only allowed in marriage, which is why the norm here is for couples to get married early and have kids even though they have zero or little savings to get a house of their own and feed themselves. Most are forced to live with their parents. Me and my partner are different. We want to marry only when we are financially secure and have a home of our own.

First off, we're both sexually active and masturbate frequently, but my desire is more than hers so I do it more often. My love language is touch, so a lack of it is difficult for me, especially after I'm with her, since I love her deeply and I need the physical display of affection. We've had relations a couple of times and both enjoy it when we're doing it. We first started doing phone sex, sometimes with video, and sometimes with photos of each other for solo sessions, but there was one time her mom almost caught her in the middle of phone sex and she refused to do it with me anymore. She also cited worries of her phone being tapped or her apps being hacked. It was also during this period that I didn't have a car, so she'd give me blowjobs or handjobs in public places and I'd lick her nipples as well as finger her and rub her clit in return. That lasted for some time until she felt it was too risky, so when I asked what we should do, she said I should get a car so we can drive by ourselves and get a room, though not for the night because then our parents would disown us.

Before I got the car, we did lose our virginity in a city hotel where we rented the room for a couple of hours. It was an awkward experience, like most first times, but although I was open to doing it again, she said she did not want to go through the process of meeting anyone in the reception and felt that they would judge her because of it. I assured her no one would care because many people are also doing it, but she still said no and she never wanted to do that again. At that point, I still hadn't gotten the car but was working my way to get it, so in the meantime I suggested if I could take a taxi to her place whenever her house was empty and we can do it there. She agreed and we did so a couple of times, until she felt uneasy that I had to take a cab constantly, so she said she wanted to wait for the car.

When I finally got the car, things were good. I went to her home for sex and post-sex pillow talk once a week (I can't bring her to my home because my walls are thin and my mother is a stay-at-home housewife), and on days where we spent time in the evening, we would grope each other when I sent her home (we do practice safety when driving. It's usually me touching her breasts and her jerking me; once, even mutual masturbation till orgasm, but this was when we were parked). No complaints here.

But then things changed when her sister was pregnant and expecting a baby. Since the sister spent a lot of time at home, there were no more once-a-week romps. After a couple of months without any physical contact, I suggested we could go to a hotel far from the city (we shall name this Hotel A). It was perfect for two reasons: it was far enough that no one we know had any purpose being there, and she did not need to meet the reception, because guests need not pass the reception to go to the room (there were two separate staircases for the reception and the rooms). I also had a car already so driving there was no issue.

She was initially reluctant, but after receiving my assurance that no one she knew would be there and she would not need to meet the hotel staff, she agreed. Sex then became a once-a-month thing where I'd call the hotel and ask for a day room. I bought the condoms and paid for the room while she bought all the food we would have after our romp. Having sex here was more enjoyable than ever before because we can let loose a little and be slightly noisier instead of having to worry about her neighbors. It was quite perfect and we discovered our preferences with each other, how best to make each other orgasm, had lots of deep pillow-talk with each other that we would otherwise be unable to talk about, and generally enjoyed our time to the fullest. I have also masturbated less because the sex was so good. Masturbating never even crossed my mind after we had regular sex. I can go round after round during sex, but I no longer masturbate as often as when I was single (I think that's a good thing).

Then came Covid-19. Another couple of months without any contact as our country plunged into crisis. When restrictions were lifted, we chose not to go out too often and decided to meet once a week at her house. We would spend time together while I did work on my laptop. She had asked her sister whether it was okay for everyone that I came to do my work, and the sister said it was fine. Since my initial thought was to go there for the work, the usual routine was that we had some food and snacks in the kitchen before going up to her room and do my work, since I needed peace and quiet. By then her sister had also given birth to a baby boy. I wanted us to have some intimate time, but then I was also worried because there were people (sister and baby, and occasionally, a nanny) at home. Meanwhile, she felt comfortable enough with it and she gradually eased me into it, saying that her home was very soundproof (it was) and no one would barge in or disturb us. I finally agreed (how can I resist the temptation, right?) but said that we had to be very quiet, because I was still nervous with her family around the home. We started with some non-penetrative for a couple of weeks, then once I felt more comfortable, we had sex very quietly--no moaning, no rough sex. I made sure we were quiet because I was still quite anxious when there were people at home.

Then one day, her father came home and was shocked to know that we were alone in her room. He called us down to have a talk, and although we did not do any sexual activity on that day, he told us that we made everyone at home feel uncomfortable because we were always alone in the room. Her father would have punched me as soon as he saw me, if not for her sister calming him down and telling him that his baby grandson was in the house. I explained I was in the room because I need quiet to work, since the Covid situation also made it difficult for us to go out constantly. I apologized that my actions made them feel uncomfortable. She was unhappy with what her father said and did because she felt that he was a hypocrite--he had cheated on her mother a couple of times but tried to be a moral police toward his daughter. Furthermore, her sister was allowed to bring her partner back and spend alone time before they got married, and was never shamed like that in front of everyone, so my partner felt it was unjust for her family to treat her that way.

Fast forward to when the Covid situation is getting better (2 months after the incident involving her family), We agreed not to spend anymore time at home (since our country's pandemic situation getting better also) and decided to eat out/visit malls sparingly to minimize Covid risk and order takeout/go for walks in the park on most days When I brought up subject of going back to Hotel A, she asked why I could accept going to a hotel amidst a pandemic when I could not accept eating out. I explained hotels are not crowded now, unlike fast food joints and hawker stalls and malls that are usually packed with people. She still seemed reluctant. A few days later, she jerked me for a while in the car, but did not seem to enjoy it even though she used to love doing that to me in the past. She has also become less enthusiastic about sex and the frequency of touching each other on our night drives have diminished severely, along with her eagerness to see my dick pics. It is worrying to me because I don't feel desired (this is important to me...), and I've conveyed my worries to her, though she assures that she still loves me.

She recently sent me a text saying she did not want me to bring up booking a day room in a hotel ever again and never to ask her anything about that anymore. She said she felt dirty and uncomfortable and I was surprised to hear that actually. I argued that was when we enjoyed ourselves the most--good sex, showering together, napping together, eating delicious food on the hotel bed, and having deep intimate talks with each other--but she said it was uncomfortable and she never actually liked it. As of now, she said she could only accept having sex if we got our own home, or if we go on an overnight holiday. The latter option is dependent on the former: get a home, then get married, then go on holiday. Thus we are left with only one option, that is to get a home. While I am doing all that I can to secure a good home, we are still a long way away from achieving that. I'm sexually and emotionally frustrated. I believe going to Hotel A is the best way for us temporarily. I'm not asking to go every week. I can do with once a month or even once every two months, but those are all a no-go.

I want to try and talk to her about it, but she shuts out all communication if its sex, saying that I'm being weird about it and she doesn't want to hear it. Perhaps a jerking off in the car or even phone sex would be better than nothing, but she isn't receptive to any of that either. I feel like I've been trying my best to ensure that our emotional and physical needs are satisfied while at the same time ensuring that there is nothing for her to worry about. I'm lost for options. My frustration is affecting me, because I now masturbate every night without feeling any sense of satisfaction, as if I'm numb. I don't know what to do. I don't think either of us is in the wrong. I love her and I'll definitely persevere for the sake of our relationship, but I just wish we could come to a compromise for our physical needs, and I want her to show that I'm still sexually attractive to her.

To those who read this till the end, thanks for your patience. Even if I don't get a reply from this, I'm glad to be able to get this off my chest.

[Sam W]

Hi poke_s7s5,

It can definitely be frustrating when there's a pretty drastic change in the sexual part of a relationship. The tricky thing is that right now there isn't really room for a compromise; you still want to be sexual in some way, and she doesn't. The fact that she doesn't is what sets the boundary, because you don't want to pressure her into something she's not comfortable with (especially since it sounds like she was uncomfortable with some of the things you two did in the past). So, for now it's best to treat sex of any kind as entirely off the table for the foreseeable future, just as she's told you it is.

That being said, it may help to think about what non-sexual forms of touch or intimacy you two are each comfortable with and enjoy, and focus your energy on those. Non-sexual touches can make us feel as desired and as close as sexual ones,so there may be a way for you two to be physically close without her feeling uncomfortable or you feeling frustrated. Does that seem like a conversation you two could have?

[poke_s7s5]

Hi Sam W, thank you for your response.

We've just had the talk today, where both of us vented out all our feelings and frustrations to each other openly, with no holds barred, and conveying our expectations of each other during this trying pandemic. Our conversation included topics beyond just sex. It was painful at times for both of us, with tears and raised voices, but we both agree that we're making progress on our relationship and addressing the issues we currently face. We hope that after today, we can navigate through and weather the pandemic with compassion, love, understanding, compromise and determination. We will get through this.

I'm grateful to have received your advice and I am glad that I chose to do make a post here. Thank you. I will not hesitate to come back and ask for advice again in the future.

[Sam W]

You're very welcome, and I'm glad you two were able to be honest with each other and to start taking steps towards addressing issues in your relationship.