My crush didn’t show up for a video chat ... now what to do.

[Sabine]

You know what could happen to her where my crush is not checking anything? I am hearing more and more about fires, especially along the West Coast in the US. I am terrified for my friends. Orange Skies and shit. Just worried my friends could have died and so could her. Do you think that is a valid reason? 

I’m now terrified and want to talk more than ever. I want to check in with my friends and want to know still wants happening in the West Coast, especially my home. I want to come home (her, if not a girlfriend and other friends, only a small reason). If that may be the case, I don’t know what to do or how to approach the situation along with the other concerns I expressed.

[Mo]

I think it would be fine to send a message to her, or to other friends you have in the areas impacted by the fires, to say something like "I've been hearing about what's happening in your area, I just wanted to check in and I hope you're staying safe." It's important to keep in mind, though, that things have been pretty intense over here (I'm in an area that's had some very bad smoke lately) and that she may not even be checking her messages right now; the lack of a response doesn't mean she isn't okay.
In regards to your earlier post about wanting to text but not wanting to be invasive, the general guideline I go by, when I'm communicating with someone and don't want to overwhelm them, is that I will give myself two or three times to contact them without a response, with some time in between those attempts, and if I don't get a response that second/third time I will assume that if they want to get in touch they'll take the initiative but I won't keep pushing for contact. That might be helpful to keep in mind when you're thinking about getting in touch; how recently has she contacted you, and have you tried to contact her multiple times since then?

[Sabine]

I think that would be a good idea, maybe send it in a few days, one week or two weeks. And also what do you mean the lack of response doesn’t mean she’s not okay. She didn’t leave my texts on read, both on Instagram and my dating app. It means she did not respond to them, she did not even check the apps. Sorry if I am being repetitive, but that’s what it is like now.

She has contacted me (and followed me on Instagram) on September 1st. So ... 18 days ago. I tried to send her messages on the 4th, but she didn’t read them on Instagram. I sent one again one week later. I didn’t send any messages this week, but I am planning to send one for the near or far future. Now, I am also just worried for also my close friend who is going to college in Oregon because there are big fires there and she may be evacuating there or she just be busy. I’m scared because someone who has befriended me on that same app I met my crush who is in Canada says that the skies are still smoky ...

I just want someone to talk to, but I’m scared that the West Coast is burning and that I may not be able to come back on time in 2021.

[Sam W]

If she read the texts but didn't respond, that at least tells you she's okay in the sense that she's getting through all the fires and resulting nastiness in one piece. Beyond that, it could mean anything from "she's busy" to "she's not interested," an only she can really what's going on.

It's absolutely okay (and understandable) to feel scared or worried about the people you know who are dealing with the fires. It's scary stuff (all of my family is on the west coast, and I'm still dealing with the smoke out here in the desert). I think it might help to figure out what you need, and what you can do, to deal with that fear. For instance, with talking with someone, that could be with your therapist when you get linked up with one. Or it could look like talking with friends who aren't in the fire area, or writing all the fears out in a journal just so they're not in your head anymore. But figuring out what you need and brainstorming how to get it can make dealing with those feelings easier.

[Sabine]

Yeah, I can understand that, well ... I also thought that leaving messages on read meant that someone’s not interested in you and that clearly someone ghosted you. and also, I don’t see her activity on the app (as I often see people on the Online right now function and can see whether people are online or not as apart of my feature) nor Instagram.

And well, I want to know whether she is interested in me and how to approach the subject, like message her about it. Like she wanted to video chat once I purposed to her saying “I would love to”. She asked me questions like “Found any good TV shows to binge watch”, “What have you been up to” and “Have your classes started?”. I also mentioned such comments as “Gorgeous and intelligent, a girl who can do both” when I referenced my grades and classes. When I also said she looked like royalty and she was the queen, when she showed pictures and when she was mean’t to dress like that dressed like that she texted “So, I’m royalty and you’re fame ... we make quite the pair don’t we.”

So, it would be very weird if it was a hit and run flirt. I don’t know how do I ask her that and/or interpret the situation.

Those are all amazing strategies. I hopefully will text some of my friends and talk to people. Like I really want to video chat more online friends I trust too. I need to remind myself to that more. Tonight, I am going to text the president and the social media account of a college club I cannot attend because I want to work on more projects.

[Sabine]

Also she had a bunch of expressive, positive emojis with the especially two comments that stood as my interpretation of flirting, as well as the video chatting comment and (as well as a texting saying she was looking forward to doing it so much as well). But, it doesn’t register on this forum. Sometimes she types it along with the comments besides it and thats my way of communicating too. I just wanted to say that as well.

[Amanda F]

I think your idea of sending a check-in message in a few days or a week sounds good, and until then, your ideas of how to keep yourself busy are great! What is the focus of the college club that you are interested in working with?

[Sabine]

Thank you so much! I will keep that in mind. I also want to ask you with the evidence I gave in the top post, do you think she is interested in me (you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, just someone answered it before)? And how do I ask if she’s interested without being so blunt?

The college film club works on movies, not just watches movies and I have a good number of friendships there. I had to give the president my info so that the club can keep running lol. I hope it does. I really hope it does so that I can be in a production and that I can be a member, I’m still a member of my college.

[Amanda F]

It's really impossible for me to tell. It sounds like she's been flirting and friendly, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she wants a relationship. Plus, with the stress of the fires and everything, that might affect her ability to feel interested right now. Only you have the ability to figure out whether she's interested.

I understand that being blunt can be scary, but it's also likely to give you a firm answer, so you don't have to keep wondering how she feels over and over. What do you think of telling her how you feel, and asking her if she's interested in some kind of romantic and/or sexual connection with you? You could phrase that however you want, depending on what you are looking for. Again, I know it's scary, but ultimately you do WANT to know how she feels, so you'll have to take some steps to ask her.

Fingers crossed the club continues running! That sounds fun!

[Sabine]

Yeah, I can understand that. I really do. Got rejected last time by a girl because she was so busy.

And at least I want to casually date her, but I really want a romantic connection. I cannot have a sexual relationship right now because the distance (she totally accepted it and was cool with it). I want to do it, but I’m afraid of coming off too strong and blunt, like “Hey how are the fires” and the next sentence being like “I like you and I want to date you. Do you feel the same way?”. Like I don’t know how to say this properly and transition properly. I am awkward and I don’t want to get rejected because of my words. I want a proper understanding, no miscommunication and keep on being friends if she rejects me as a girlfriend.

I don’t know how much I should take slow so that I don’t overwhelm her and how much I want to be honest and figure it out without being too forceful ya know what I mean?

[Sabine]

Also, I am debating whether to invite her again to video chat and then ask her her feelings and tell her mine or tell her how I feel how I fell in the same message as the other ones I wanted to tell her (if I should include them). I want to say this because I may not get the chance to video chat with her, not just because of the rejection but because of the fires and her being busy.

So, I don’t know how to approach this smoothly and correctly, telling her at the right time and without overwhelming her.

[Sam W]

I think it's sound to recognize that going from a check in message to a confession of feelings would feel pretty abrupt and odd to her. So, if you decide to reach out to her again, it may be best to stay in that more casual tone for now and focus on finding out how she's doing and feeling.

[Sabine]

Yeah, I really want to do that. That can be great. I was thinking along the lines of “Hey, heard that the wildfires are bad. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always video chat with me! however, I understand as you are busy with your sister. Please let me know if you ever want to.” Or is that too much pressure? I’m also debating about whether I should send an image of my looks or not, but that could be overwhelming.

I also don’t know if she is ghosting me based on this situation and what she said in the past. I’m panicked too because I don’t want to be ghosted, like, it hurts for me to be lonely (not alone) and I sometimes feel that way even though I have family. Sometimes I feel like I am a huge burden for the family to carry so thats why I need friends to talk about something other than whats bothering me or not to bother them. Or someone I can love and be physically affectionate with too.

[Mo]

I think any sort of message where you say you'd be happy for her to get in touch but are leaving it up to her to reach out, like you've outlined here, is unlikely to feel like pressure. Like Sam mentioned above, I think just sticking to this invitation to reach out is going to be best for now; if she responds you can see how that conversation goes and then decide if you want to send pictures also.

[ardenmagdelena]

Hey Sabine! I wanted to say something even though I'm a little late to this conversation because I can feel how stressed out you are about this and I can feel how much you want all of this to work out and I really relate to that because I have felt that way in relationships and with crushes! Something that has helped me is to remind myself that it's not actually possible to make someone feel a particular way about me, no matter how strongly I feel about them -- and that means that if somebody doesn't feel "that way" about me, there is usually nothing I could have or should have done differently. The only thing that is under my control is whether and how I say what I would like to happen between us and give them a chance to say "yes" or "no". And once I've done that it's really out of my hands -- repeating it in different ways hoping to get a different response is very unlikely to change anything (unless it makes the person start to feel pressured which is obviously not good!). I think that what you've outlined above is perfect -- and then I think after you send that you should do something nice for yourself (maybe a few nice things) and not reach out again until she responds. You've said what you would like to happen (you want to video chat with her) and it's on her to say "yes" or "no" (and a lack of response, as with any kind of consent, has to be understood as a "no") -- and then to keep saying "yes" by following through on actually making it happen (proposing a date and time, or responding when you propose a date and time, and actually showing up at the date and time you've agreed on.)

Unfortunately the process of getting to know someone and beginning a romance or dating relationship is always going to have some anxiety because the process of beginning a conversation and then having more and more in depth conversations and sharing more and more personal things is going to be a slow escalation and both people have to be on board each step of the way. And unfortunately, just because someone gets to a certain "step" doesn't mean that they will want to continue the relationship beyond that -- in this case, flirtatious text messages aren't a guarantee that she's going to want to video chat, and video chatting isn't a guarantee that she's going to want to be "in a relationship" etc. etc. So while you're trying to develop those kinds of relationships it's extra important to do things that make you feel good about yourself -- like practicing something you're good at or learning something about something that interests you or talking to someone who makes you feel good. Other than that, the good (and bad!) news is that all you can do is ask at each step and wait for a response.

[Sabine]

Thanks so much for the advice! I love how you said that it’s all about consent and I’m trying to obey the rules of consent. And I know a video chat doesn’t guarantee a relationship, so does flirting. Thats why I should ask, but my parents say I shouldn’t right now and they are right. And just because the lack of response means no doesn’t mean she will come out and say either no or yes right now. Again, if she just left it on red and I ignored it, I know she wouldn’t consent to it like the other people who I know didn’t want to talk to me. You understand what I am saying?

And someone said that she may be on the social media break and it is a new insight. I never thought about along with her being busy. and again, I will give her all the time in the world to respond and to at least read my texts. And at some point, I should let go. That’s her prerogative to ignore the meeting, her right, no matter how disappointing it may be or how busy she is. But, I’m trying so hard to be a decent person, no matter how much I don’t like the person.

I don’t want to worry too much with my crush not answering me. And I know I cannot control the responses, except that I think of that one girl on the same site who did kinda the same thing and ended up falling for her next door neighbor during the quarantine. And also another one on the same site also ended up not being in contact with me (via both the dating app and Instagram). I’m kinda worried that either will happen to her, but I am worried on fixating on those situations. So what to do? How not to fixate on those situations, yet prepare for the worse and hope for the best?

[Sabine]

I also should mention that I sent the message and that I won’t send anymore. But, I am a little worried about it, but trying so hard to let it go even when distraction doesn’t work. Again, the reason that could be that she is having social media break along with being busy can be helpful.

My anxiety though has a risk of increasing because I had a situation on an online forum that was usually safe. They had a masturbation addiction and wanted someone to do it with. They tried to get me to go off the site. They would also say “Please respond” and “Hi” once I was offline. They still want to be my friend, and apologized but I am not sure if I can be their friend. I feel like I have to be friends with them (because I am very kind and they said they have no friends), but I’m cautious of how true their situation is.

So, I want some positive interactions to offset the negative ones. Question is, why does this happen to me? Is it because I am too kind?

[Sam W]

I'm so sorry you had that interaction in that forum. Did you tell the mods or anyone else what happened? It's up to you how you proceed with that person, but I would lean towards blocking or otherwise ending your contact with them. Even if their situation is true, them having no friends doesn't mean you have to set aside your boundaries and comfort to be one. I should also mention that compulsive masturbation (which is a slightly more accurate term than "addiction") is not helped by someone getting others to masturbate with them; it's something that a person works on with the help of a mental healthcare provider.

Since you mention your anxiety has been increasing, how has your search for a mental healthcare provider been going?

It makes total sense to be craving positive interactions after that negative one.Have you been finding them other places, like those clubs you mentioned a little ways up in this thread?

[Sabine]

I am cautious about reporting them since ether technically didn’t send any nudes. But I want to share it with the mods. I made a post and the person notice (called themselves, he but wants to be a trans lesbian and “likes” to trans people and lesbians).

I suggested they seek help multiple times, but they are from India and sex is shameful. So I suggested online resources, but they don’t want to pay. Tried my best, didn’t help. I know that compulsory masturbation is real, but I don’t know if their identity is, he commented on a minors post too wanting to chat with them.

Also, I know I have this immense heart and care for people and thus I have a dilemma sometimes that I cannot easily overcome. But I stoped because I know I would be in trouble with my parents due to the last time these things happened and my insta got hacked. I still sometimes blame myself and I still think that I am a target because of my innocence, mental illness and too kind demeanor.

It’s okay. I had a meeting with a wellness counselor and he’s going to check in on whether he can do therapy over video temporarily. It went okay, but finding a therapist is hard.

I have socialized with a lesbian couple I befriended, but have’t gotten around it to it. I have also not got around to socializing in clubs. It’s also looking that my sister is going to Scotland more and more which is making me in part sad. I will be lonely, like the only child and interacting with peers is hard already! I have tried sometimes, they are busy! And I don’t know if I want to talk about some things with my parents or peers, especially the recent interaction ...

[Sam W]

Okay, I would definitely report him to the mods if you noticed he's trying to coax minors into those conversations as well. Even if no nudes were involved, the mods will want to know that someone is making their forums unsafe in that manner, and will hopefully take steps to remedy the situation.

It my very well be that there is something about your demeanor that causes certain people to see you as a target. But I think it's important to remember that the fault is still with them, for seeing certain personality traits or behaviors as something they can exploit, and not with you for having them. I believe we mentioned this before, but something that may help is to find ways to learn how to spot red flags or set boundaries, so that you feel better equipped to navigate relationships with other people in a way that feels safe to you.

Finding a therapist can be hard, but I'm glad to hear you're keeping at it! I think it will be really beneficial for you to have a space to learn tools to manage those feelings anxiety and loneliness.

[Sabine]

Yeah, I will. Hopefully, the mods will notice my post. Worst part is that he noticed my posts on him. I shouldn’t have done it, should have dealt with it privately, but ... he kept texting ...

I know how to spot red flags and boundaries, its for me to actually do it because I don’t have to be friends with everyone. It’s not my job, but I feel its my duty. I’m not a caretaker, but I feel like I have to be because I had friends like that and I want to help sometimes. I want to be a good person and if I can help somebody, I feel relief. They don’t have an obligation to thank me or pay me back, but I help them regardless.

Yeah, I want to with my parents as well. But finding the right one is going to be hard ....

One a side note: how do I not fixate on those situations in the past with the two crushes on the dating app for the crush I currently have? I really I don’t want to focus on the two situations that happened with the other girls that makes me catastrophizes and project in the future. This anxiety is especially bad considering the situation that happened, even making me more stressed out and over analyzing my actions.

[Amanda F]

Hi Sabine,

Remember that these are just two people/situations, out of the literally billions of people that are out there, and the many that you will be interested in.

Everyone is different, and these two girls are definitely not examples of what every future crush of yours will be like. You might also think of this as a learning experience - in the future, perhaps you could try saying earlier if you're interested in someone, so that you can find out sooner how they feel about you.

Meeting people online can be pretty difficult in general. Apps make it really common for people to disappear or ghost each other, unfortunately - it's a bummer, but I say that to remind you that it's not YOU. It's a disappointing part of meeting people online, I think. You can also express when you chat with people that consistency is important to you, and that might help you find folks that are willing and able to maintain that consistency.

Going forward, if you developed a new crush on a new person, how do you think you might handle that? What would you say/do?

[Sabine]

Meeting people in real life is also really difficult, especially with todays environment and how Vienna is looking. I’m also scared of just getting info off of random people in a club like Villa Vida, which is when I went to the Queens Brunch because I am afraid that we may fall out of contact or that they will interpret it as way too fast too quickly. Plus, I’m not staying there in like a year, so I’m afraid of that too. I’m afraid of falling out of contact with the couple, as I’m not contacting them so much anymore.

I mean its a balance, I would try to find out but at the same time, get to know them if you know what I mean. As for future crushes, I would set expectations and try not to keep them too high or low. I mean I already expect to get ghosted, but that doesn’t stop me from trying for some stupid reason.

And thats what my parents tell me, take them as learning experiences and I interpret that as improve myself and behavior so I can keep more interactions.

Also, I feel like even though the two aren’t related that the person who creeped on me was my fault and it would decrease the likelihood of my crush getting back to me. It just sends that I am just like them in some way, even though I try not to be, I always try to be there for the lonely people in the world. Even though I don’t believe in karma, these are my intrusive thoughts trying to internalize what I have done and blame it on me trying to wish for my crush to reply to me and sending that message in the first place, telling me she won’t get to you. Oh boy it’s so negative now! It’s not even me!

[Sam W]

I think an easy re-frame to try over the next few days is to not view "learning experience" as meaning you need to do something to improve. True, sometimes what we learn from those experiences is that there are things bout ourselves or our actions that could use some changing. But just as often, we're learning things about the world or other people, including things like what kinds of people we do or do not get along with. The more you can see learning experiences as not leading to failure, the easier it will be to take those positive risks we've discussed in the past.

With those intrusive thoughts, is there a way for you to contact that same wellness counselor and ask if he's able to refer you to certain toolkits or books to use to combat them? That could give you a way of managing them while you sort out the therapy situation.

[Sabine]

That’s true. I’m a perfectionist sometimes and afraid of rejection, but still keep trying, as stupid as that may be. Again, I direct it inward because I don’t know how to deal with uncertainty and what might have caused it. But also, there may be a chance to improve myself so that people (and especially women) may like me more.

Well, I got some news regarding the wellness counselor. I cannot work with them because of the international lines.

At this point, we are trying to find a counselor here and even my college is trying to find a solution. I have had a kind of a bad day yesterday and I’m still feeling a little bad.