I like guys... I think. Am I polyamorous and/or bi?

[Hel]

I've been in one serious relationship, and that didn't go so well. The guy broke up with me for pretty much no reason, leaving me heartbroken and upset. I really feel I was in love with him. The thing is, towards the end of our relationship, kissing him didn't feel right. It felt forced, which was either a sign things were going down hill, or that maybe my own identity was/is changing.

A while ago I thought I was gender fluid (I'm biologically female), then a trans guy, then a girl again, and now I don't know. And I'm okay with not knowing my gender, but a lot of my questioning about my sexuality has stemmed from my thoughts about gender. If I am gender fluid/bigender, am I straight, as in attracted to males? I don't know the term for that.

Another thing: I love fantasy/sci-fi genres, and writing. To get inspiration, I often look at pictures of fantasy worlds and characters. One thing I've realized: there are a heck of a lot of gorgeous female characters. I think they are very attractive, which leaves me wondering if I really am attracted to just guys. I don't know if I can picture myself in a relationship with a girl, but I still wonder... Am I bisexual? Pansexual? I feel like I could be attracted to trans guys or other nonbinary people. I don't know.

One of the situations I can see myself potentially dating a girl or nonbinary/gender fluid person, is in a polyamorous relationship, particularly a polifideltious triad. (I've never been in a polyamorous relationship, but I like the idea just as much as I like monogamous relationships.) I mean, I think two bisexual/pansexual guys is my preference, but I'm not sure I'd mind other genders. What does this make me?

[Mo]

I can certainly understand the confusion that can come with trying to figure out the particulars of one's sexual orientation and gender at the same time! To be honest, when gender identities such as being genderfluid, bigender, nonbinary, etc. come into play, I think this is where "queer" as an orientation can really shine, if that resonates with you at all; it's a great catch-all word for non-cis/non-straight identities and you don't need to pin things down any more specifically than that, if you don't want to or aren't sure how to. In terms of your potential attraction to women, it might be something that gets clearer with time; it sounds like there's something there but whether it's a general aesthetic attraction or something deeper is something that only you will be able to know.
It sounds like you're questioning these parts of your identity right now, and that's fine! Just like with your gender identity it's all right to not know all the particulars of your sexuality for now. Is there anything that's making you feel particularly uncomfortable with not knowing these things for sure, at the moment?

When it comes to polyamory, I think it's something that some people relate to as an identity, where non-monogamous relationship structures are an important component of their sexuality as a whole; for other people who engage in it, though, it doesn't necessarily become a part of their identity. Not everyone might make this distinction, but I think some folks would say "I'm polyamorous" while others might say "I'm open to polyamorous relationships." Having that interest or being open to a polyamorous situation doesn't necessarily "make" you anything in particular although you can of course call yourself polyamorous if that resonates strongly with you. Does that make sense?

[Hel]

I have always considered myself straight, until I somewhat-recently began to explore my gender identity in a deeper way. It's not urgent for me to know my sexuality, but I do think about it sometimes.

It does make sense that being open to polyamory and calling oneself polyamorous are two different concepts. Thank you for clarifying.

[Mo]

You're welcome!

[Nailo]

Hi Hel!

For context, I'm a bisexual, polyamorous, cis woman. That frame of reference impacts how I answer this.

I think Mo hits the nail on the head with the "queer" label being a nice catch-all, if you feel comfortable with that. I have friends who joke that because they are trans/non-binary, every relationship they're in is gay . As for your attraction to different varieties of humans, I'd like to point out that there are all sorts of different kinds of attraction. You say you don't know if you can picture yourself in a relationship with a girl, but think you might still be attracted to women. That's fine! Maybe you're aesthetically attracted to women, or maybe you're sexually (but not romantically) attracted to them. I have a friend who is asexual, but experiences romantic attraction. On the flip side, I have a long term friend with benefits who is not interested in romantic attraction at all, but rather prefers to have several friends that she has sex with. You don't have to be equally interested in all genders in the same way in order to identify as bisexual or pansexual. Also, your partners or lack thereof don't define your sexual orientation, so it's not like you need to be with both a man and a woman to be bisexual. Here's a grid I like better for human attraction than the traditional three point scale of "gay-bi-straight": https://imgur.com/hPuGKes

As for being poly, some people think of it as an orientation, some people think of it as a lifestyle choice. I personally feel like it's a bit of both. What is true is that opening up a relationship looks different for everyone, and it is absolutely essential to have open lines of communication and trust with whoever is involved. You say that you are like the idea of polyamory "just as much" as monogamy- that's fine! Those are just boundaries you will need to discuss with whoever your partner is. If you want to read good books on the subject, I highly recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, or The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.

Hope that helps, and happy exploring!

[Hel]

Thank you for the advice and the recommendations for the books and the grid. I also really appreciate the examples you gave of different relationship models.