unable to masturbate/ dissociation during sex

[cemetarycowgirl]

Hi,

First, this is the first site I've found addressing my problem, and it was nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks!
Second, I've read a lot of like posts on here, so sorry for the redundancy, but the most similar ones I've seen havent yet reached resolution. I'm ready to give any info needed

I'm 20 now and have never been able to remotely masturbate, or feel significant pleasure during sex.

The closest I've ever got to orgasm was just by thinking!! But every time I touch myself, the illusion is instantly shattered.
Sometimes I immediately have no interest in continuing, but even when I do and try getting back on the boat, nothing works (have tried "relaxing", focusing, toys, technique... nothin so far). At worst I feel a bit grossed out.

Sometimes sex is enjoyable, but nothing ever "builds" the way it does when I'm just thinking. The good feeling of sex feels separate to the really warm feeling I get when just thinking, so while it's nice, I know it's not what I "can" be. It seems like a shallow pleasure. It's like I hit a wall. Often, I just dont feel anything.

As with masturbation, I have been truly aroused when beginning sex, but it fades pretty soon (at best ends up shallow pleasure), no matter who I'm with. I have only had a few partners-- one was really good, but I still hit "the wall". I have recently had worse consensual experiences where I ended up dissociating ("numb" and not present, robotic/ on autopilot, foggy memory of it, etc).

I really want to be able to connect what I feel inside to the outside, but as of now they have always been adamantly separate experiences. Im sure its in my head, but not sure where. Why do you think it's like this for me?

[Sam W]

Hi cemetarycowgirl,

I'm glad you feel comfortable asking about this here! It sounds like you've done a lot of experimenting around this already, which is awesome, but I can see how that would start to feel pretty frustrating if you're still feeling that disconnect. You mention dissociating during sex recently; is that something that happens to you outside of sexual situations, or does it only seem to happen if you're trying to masturbate or have sex?

Too, you mention it feels like the illusion shatters when you try touching yourself. Can you say a little more about that? What elements feel like they shatter? What things suddenly feel like they're missing or, conversely, are there unpleasant things that suddenly feel very present when you touch yourself?

[cemetarycowgirl]

Arrrgh I typed a long reply and accidentally deleted it...!;-;
I don't dissociate in any other situations, though I do have a sensory processing disorder that can making overstimulating environments upsetting. I know that is possibly related to my problem, but with such a different reaction I don't really know what to do.
Masturbating just feels like "nope". As soon as there's contact it's too distracting to continue imagining anything, but without that arousing imagination the whole thing is empty and meaningless. Its very "grounding," but in an uncomfortable way. I become aware that it's me, and can't overlook that. Relaxing and focusing don't feel like solutions for that struggle.
The most arousing part of sex is seeing my partner's arousal. I can "act/be" sexy, but have to be pretty dissociated to do so. I could venture to say actually including myself is a turn off. Any issues with my own sexuality aren't clear to me, but then I've "always" been this way so maybe I just can't see them yet.

[Heather]

Hey there.

I wonder how you feel about just letting yourself only do what DOES feel right for you? What I hear is that you very much enjoy watching someone else be aroused -- does it work for you to touch them and not be touched yourself, or is it once *any* kind of touch is involved that you dissociate or feel grossed out?

In other words, you don't have to do the things that don't feel right or that seem to result in dissociation. You could just do what does feel okay and doesn't result in that. Same goes for "acting" sexy. You don't have to do that, either. None of this is required.

If you wanted to try and change that, on the other hand, a sex therapist would be the best person to start with.

[cemetarycowgirl]

Any touch is harder, honestly. Being in my head is the most yielding option for me... though that in and of itself is desperate to actually "fulfill" those feelings. I do appreciate though the input that ... theres not a "right" way to experience sexuality. I think I've focused more on that than is helpful. While I'd like to move past just my mind (it can only go so far.. very frustrating!), I should go easier on myself and will no longer "set myself up for failure" (hide my difficulties from partners). Though I already kinda knew it, hearing the idea that what feels right IS right encourages me to believe it more than before. So thank you! And in the future I will probably seek a sex therapist thank you for the help! You guys do great stuff on this site ♡

[Heather]

I'm glad to be able to help.

I hear you, about wanting what you want and your head not letting you. I'm an assault survivor, and it's been a while, but I've been in a similar spot before.

I do think the best route to get there, is starting by letting yourself be where you are, and by not doing *anything* you don't want to or that makes you feel bad. Sometimes our sexualities just are what they are: it may be that this is how yours is. Other times, and more commonly with things like this, it's how they are for now, and they'll likely shift over time in any number of ways.

Do you feel able/ready to be honest with partners and tell them what works for you right now? If not, do you want any help with that?