Not feeling good about myself

[Daisy]

Thankfully found this place by accident and would like to release my mind

Yesterday I was with three friends, 3 guys and 1 girl, and the one girl has a relationship with one of the boys (my previous boyfriend) but I am right now single and both of the other boys are also. What I realized during our time together is that I have had sex with two of the boys, lost my virginity to one of them, but I don't think that either of them know that I have had sex with both of them. The girl knows I have been with her boyfriend, but this was way before she got involved with him. The uncomfortable part is the wondering of who knows what? Do the guys know that I have been with both of them? Does the boy I have not been with know anything from any of them? I feel like I am being judged but that is if they both know. I want everything to be private and I don't want anybody knowing about my sexual life but maybe all of them know???
I have knots in my stomach from this. I enjoyed my time with both of them, enjoyed sex with both of them, but yesterday was the first time we all got together and now it all feels wrong. I am regretting having a sexual relationship with two of my best friends because I feel like I could break with all these thoughts in my mind. Who knows what???
Help

[Alexa]

Hey Daisy,

I'm glad you found us! It sounds like you're starting from a strong place -- you had pleasurable, consensual experiences with two people. I hear you wanting your privacy -- have you talked with each boy about wanting to keep your histories private?

Are there other reasons you feel regretful now? For what it's worth, I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex with your friends as long as everyone consents and knows the boundaries of the relationship. <3

[Daisy]

All of it was very consensual but now it feels more like a mistake. I had a relationship with a boy but I wasn't ready to have sex with him and I told one of my best guy friends about it and I ended up losing my virginity to him instead, I trusted him and I still trust him and it was a good experience. We kind of had this boyfriend girlfriend relationship for a bit but then we decided just to remain good friends because I didn't see him as a love interest even though I had sex with him. This was all back in January and February and we have just been good friends since then.
I told one of my best girlfriends about him and now she is dating him. That's okay with me and I think they make a great couple but it makes it really weird.
A couple weeks ago I had sex with one of my other good guy friends, and it happened because it happened. We are good friends and good friends only and I don't plan on doing it with him a second time as I don't see him as a love interest either. I didn't tell anybody about him and I hope he didn't tell anybody about me.
Yesterday was when we were all together for the first time in months and none of it felt right to me because I don't know if anybody knows anything about anything. None of it feels right even though it was all consensual and it was all okay at the time. I I'm hoping that none of the guys have talked to each other about me, I want to stay friends with all three of the guys but I don't want any of them to know that I had sex with two of them. And maybe they already know and I just don't know? This is why I have knots in my stomach and this is why I feel some bit of regret.

[Heather]

Hey there, Daisy.

I wonder if it helps to know that in queer and other small communities (very much often including high school circles), it's actually very common for a lot of folks to have been with each other's currents or exes before, or with shared friends, and it doesn't have to be weird unless someone makes it weird.

Can I ask why you feel like it would be a problem for these two guys or your other friends to know? I hear you saying that it doesn't feel right now, but that it did then and that everyone is still friends. What do you think has you feeling so uncomfortable?

[Daisy]

Thanks for such fast replies.
Part of what is uncomfortable is that I was raised a Christian and raised to believe that I shouldn't have sex until marriage. I am okay with not being a virgin but it was very awkward sitting across the table from two of my best friends whom I both had sex with. It was awkward having a fun conversation among friends while also wondering what they knew about me. I have no regrets about what I did, but now I feel like I'm being judged. Does that make sense?

[Sam W]

Hi Daisy,

That worry does make a lot of sense, given the messages you grew up with. Did they do or say things to suggest they were judging you, or do you feel like that perception was coming mainly from your mind rather than their actions?

I will say that, given that two of them were people you had sex with, if they were judging you for being sexual that says way more about them than it does about you (and what it's saying isn't very flattering).

[Daisy]

Sam, they did not do or say anything that was in any way judgmental. It was the knots and butterflies from knowing that I have had sex with two of my best friends and never ever imagining that I would. None of my friends have ever been any kind of sexual interest. My boyfriend was a sexual interest, but I was afraid of having sex with him. Welcome to age 16

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear they weren't acting judgemental towards you, since that would have been majorly not okay. I wonder, would it help to remind yourself that most of us end up doing things in our lives (sexual or otherwise) that we never imagined we'd do? That doesn't automatically mean that those are things we should feel guilty about. Too, while they my not talk about it, I'd bet decent money that most of your friends have had some kind of sexual interest (and maybe even acted on it), so you're certainly not alone in that.

When you say you were afraid of having sex with your boyfriend, was t those same kinds of potential judgements from other people that scared you? Or something else?