This is more of a rant but it has really been upsetting me. I started seeing this "new" guy a week ago. We had a fling a couple years ago but the timing wasn't right and we recently connected again and really hit it off. I feel so extremely comfortable with him, and the second time we hung out I actually ended up sleeping with him. This is the opposite of my character. I've had a little bit of trauma regarding sex with guys taking advantage of me and using me, but for some reason with him its different. It usually takes MONTHS for me to even think about sex with somebody. I mentioned my anorgasmia to him (something I never tell people) and instead of judging me or blaming me he made me feel so loved and told me he's experienced challenges feeling comfortable and finishing too so he gets it (everyone else has told me I'm broken and they take it personally). I'm trying to take it slow but the physical side went really fast.
Meanwhile, my mom knows I've been seeing him but nothing physical. She's been really judgmental with what I've done before (she told me I had too many bodies when I had been with two guys, but she had random occasional hookups in her twenties and isn't afraid to tell me that). Today she told me I should take things EXTREMELY slow and should only be with him sexually if I love him. First of all, that makes me feel like trash since I have already slept with him and was really happy about it, and also I have finally started having a healthier mindset regarding sex, and she just keeps making me feel bad for doing anything. I've been slut shamed by peers before (right after my FIRST (and only for awhile) time) and it messed me up. She knows that.
I know she's like this because I have rushed into things with other guys and they used me and walked away and she is only looking out for me but sometimes it just really hurts knowing that in her eyes I'm a fuck up if I sleep with somebody "too early". I feel like I finally have control over my body and I'm doing things because I want to- not because there's "love" or I waited long enough. I like him, I wanted to do something intimate with him and I did.
I've just been so upset all day. I just said okay and she said "don't worry you'll thank me later". There isn't even anything I can do about it, but now since I have severe anxiety she planted a seed in my head that it'll all come crashing down and everything will be my fault. He plans bonfires and pj nights for us, and maybe I'm just blinded but I personally don't think that is something a random hookup would do. He thinks his roommate's girlfriend and I will be great friends and can't wait until we meet. He thinks I'm smart, beautiful, cute, and sexy (nobody has ever called me sexy) and is genuinely interested in listening to me. We cook each other dinner- we spend the night with each other with no plans to hook up or anything and then sometimes we get lost in the moment and do. Idk- it doesn't seem like a bad thing to me. He doesn't seem like a bad person, he seems like a pretty good one.
I just had to rant. I feel so sick to my stomach about the whole thing and I can't tell her because she would shame me more but it's just been weighing on me a lot.
unfortunately many on my campus do not and it bothers me a lot.