i did something i regret

[fivefootzero]

hello everyone.

so i’ll get to the point, last night i went to small gathering on campus (everyone tested negative for covid) and had sex with someone. i was a virgin and something that was important to me was that i wanted to lose my virginity to someone who loves me. i started to feel like that was just never going to happen so i just thought i should take what I can get. a guy that i’ve thought is cute for a while and i’m pretty in to seemed to be paying attention to me, and we hung out at the party. at the end of the night he walked me home. it was cold out but we still wanted to talk, so i invited him to my dorm (i wasn’t expecting him to come on to me). we ended up having sex, i told him i was a virgin and everything, he didn’t mind, and i gave him consent for everything that happened because i thought i wanted it at the time. but now i just feel used. and gross. i feel horrible because i just gave my body up to someone because he paid attention to me. i feel completely awful about myself. i liked him but he only wanted sex from me and i sacrificed my morals because i felt lonely. i just need someone to tell me what i should do.

[Heather]

Hey there.

I want to make sure you know that you still get to have a first time with the kind of sex that you want. Sex with someone you love and who loves you back is still something you can be part of not just once, but likely many times in your life if you want. This choice didn't take that away from you.

There's never, ever only one first time with sex: there's so, so many of them, something that's hard to conceive of from where you're sitting, and a lot easier from where I am, at 50, with so, so many firsts to look back on, over decades. This idea that there is only one was never sound or real, and never beneficial to anyone but people who wanted power and control, and mostly over women.

We can talk about that more if you like, but I think for right now, what you try and do is accept that you decided to try something, and you found out it's not what you wanted, and that it wasn't something that made you feel good. Now you know. There's no shame here, there's just you finding out what's right for you and what isn't.

You didn't give up your body: it's still all yours. I promise. We don't ever give our bodies or selves away with sex: it's only ever a temporary share, not a giving away.

I'm afraid I can't hang around here tonight, but I'm happy to talk with you more tomorrow, if you'd like. For tonight, can you think of some ways to just care for yourself? If you need some support, is there a friend you can call on? I hope that you can be gentle with yourself, no matter what. (And also that you can be sure to set yourself up for a quarantine, given the COVID surge right now: can someone help you with that?) Hang in there. <3