Bathrooms

[confusedhuman]

I'm agender, and while I'd love to be able to use gender-neutral bathrooms, it's not always doable. There aren't any at my school (save staff ones, which you have to get special permission to use from the counseling office, are at the back end of beyond, and you'll often get questioned). They also aren't exactly universal out in the wider world. At the moment of course I'm at home so no need to worry about that for a while, but there is a question I have about the future. For whatever reason, I'm more comfortable (at least in my head) using women's bathrooms than men's. I suspect it has something to do with being gendered as male so many times that it hurts more, but I have no real clue. The problem with this is I don't remotely pass and I'm terrified of being questioned because nothing I can say is quite right. If I try to explain that I'm agender but this restroom is less uncomfortable for me, I'm not entirely sure that that will be accepted because that essentially boils down to "I am not a woman but I am in the women's restroom" which while perfectly defensible, doesn't sound great on the surface. The other option is just saying I'm a trans woman, which is a flat out lie, and while I'm fine with lying when I'm potentially in danger otherwise, it doesn't strike me as right because that can very quickly be misinterpreted as pretending to be trans to get into the women's bathroom. Admittedly it's still defensible and it probably wouldn't be found out in the first place, but I wouldn't fancy defending that and I'd say that could easily put me in more danger than before. I have asked a few female friends if they'd be comfortable accompanying me to the bathroom if we're out in a place where there aren't gender neutral bathrooms and they've all said yes, so there's a good chance I'll have a friend along and probably won't be questioned as a result, but I'm still nervous. Does anybody have any advice for this situation?

[Sam W]

Hi confusedhuman,

I just have a few suggestions, and hopefully other folks will chime in with things that have worked for them. Using whatever bathroom feels most comfortable, and taking friends with you when possible, are both great steps. It's also awesome that you're being conscientious of how different explanations might sound or what misconceptions they might reinforce, but if you do get confronted by someone in a bathroom, it's okay to prioritize your safety in that moment and say whatever you sense will help get you out of the conversation.

Too, you may not even need to say something specific; sometimes a “Pardon me?” or “That’s none of your business” can work like a charm, because it reminds the person that asking someone their gender in a bathroom is really freaking rude, and embarrassment can make them back off.