Iʻm embarrassed because I think I have vaginismus

[DesSam]

I think I have vaginismus because Iʻm super tight even when Iʻm just using a tampon or am having sex. I was with a guy when he could barely put it in me even though I was turned on and felt really into it, this was super embarrassing and awkward between us. He just pulled out and finished on my chest, it felt really embarrassing I guess. Iʻve researched about vaginismus and it seems pretty spot on to what I have, is there a way to loosen up??

[Sam W]

Hi DesSam,

While vaginismus can certainly be frustrating (and painful), it's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about; it's just one of the many ways our bodies can behave. Do you feel like the embarrassment is coming mainly from you, or from how this last partner reacted?

If you've researched vaginismus and thing it matches with what you're experiencing, have you spoken to an OB-GYN about it?

[DesSam]

Hey Sam,
I was embarrassed with how awkward it was with my last partner, he seemed unsure of what to do. I know there are other ways to be intimate but in the moment it was frustrating that I couldnʻt do something I wanted. I have an appointment about it coming up soon.

[Heather]

Unfortunately, a lot of cisgender guys don't know what to do when there's anything to do with vaginas that isn't just inserting something easily. That's not on you, that's on them (and on things like their parents and schools not giving them decent sex ed). The truth is that even when someone doesn't have vaginismus, making intercourse or other vulvovaginal kinds of sexual activities comfortable and pleasurable for the people with those parts is outside the wheelhouse of a lot of people.

I'd also add that a lot of people have the idea that not knowing what to do with anything sexual is somehow shameful, even though it's not. We're often having to ask a lot of questions of partners, look things up, experiment and explore if we really want to have sex that's good for everybody. There's no shame in anyone not knowing things, you know?