Who is responsible for calling out abusers? Is this safe to do?

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ams5694
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Who is responsible for calling out abusers? Is this safe to do?

Unread post by ams5694 »

I have recently heard, but not witnessed firsthand, that someone who was once a close friend is verbally and physically abusing her partner. My gut reaction is to cut her off entirely - I don't mess with abusers. I would love to call her out for her behavior, but we're not as close anymore and I've only heard this through a mutual friend, so I don't feel it's my place.

I guess my main question here is, if you have witnessed abuse firsthand, as our mutual friend has, what is the best course of action - ESPECIALLY if the abuser is someone you're close with? Do you call out their behavior, or does that put the abused person at too much risk? Do you cut off contact? Do you shift your focus to helping the abused? It's just hard to think that someone I once cared for so much is capable of something so awful. Support and advice welcome.
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Sam W
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Re: Who is responsible for calling out abusers? Is this safe to do?

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi ams5694,

This is one of those situations that can feel so tricky and emotionally charged, even more so when it involves someone you consider a friend, so this is actually a really good question to ask. I would say a good, general rule is to center the needs of the person who is the target of the abuse. Both because they will be able to tell you what the most helpful way to support them is, but also because, if they're still in the abuser's orbit, they're the ones in the most danger if something goes wrong.

In this case, do you think your mutual friend can reach out to the partner and ask if there are ways they can support them?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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