Help!!! BDSM? Lesbian? Oh no!

[gerardsgirl]

Hi! My name's not important, but what is, is that I'm 13. I am also strangely interested in BDSM and I guess I'm unsure if that's normal? For starters, I am a lesbian, which makes most people disapprove of me automatically haha... But, most people retch at the idea of me being into being tied up or gagged. I'm also a bit of an extremest? I guess I'm scared what I'm into is dangerous for me and want to know if it is. I have a girlfriend who knows all about my kinks and whatnought and she's supportive and more than happy to fulfill my said fantasies which brings me into my second question. Am I too young to begin doing sexual things? I havenought done anything yet (I've been researching) but finding reliable sources on whether or not i'm too young is hard! Most of the websites that pop up are for adult websites that display unrealistic ideas of sex. Maybe I'm rambling now... I really hope to get an answer to my questions as they have stumped me for eons and I'm unsure of who to ask (My parents are definitely out of the question though)
Xoxo, GerardsGirl

[Heather]

Hey there.

Sexual curiosity is normal, in that it's something most people have. It's also common for what people are sexually curious about to be all over the map, and curiosity about or interest in things like role play, including with hierarchy, and sensation or bondage, is not at all unusual.

There's no one right age for people to be sexual or not with themselves or with partners: development isn't so much based in years as in other things. That said, at 13, if you're living in a home where talking to parents about sex is out of the question, and you feel like you haven't even begun to find the kind of information you need AND it's a pandemic, to boot, then for sure, I think it's safe to say that in your circumstances, you're clearly at the very start of looking down this road, and probably not quite ready to go down it in a safe way yet, you know? There's just going to be a lot more you need to even consider your choices first, let alone make them.

But you're here now, so you at least have found one place where you can start getting some information to begin getting a better sense of things. Can I ask what you've looked at on the site here so far? What kinds of conversations have you and your girlfriend had about sexual readiness for both of you in general? What's it like for you two in terms of even having a relationship right now: do both of your parents know about your relationship? Are they accepting? What's your scoop with contact right now given COVID, and what are your family rules with basic contact and all that at the moment?

[gerardsgirl]

Hey there.

Sexual curiosity is normal, in that it's something most people have. It's also common for what people are sexually curious about to be all over the map, and curiosity about or interest in things like role play, including with hierarchy, and sensation or bondage, is not at all unusual.

There's no one right age for people to be sexual or not with themselves or with partners: development isn't so much based in years as in other things. That said, at 13, if you're living in a home where talking to parents about sex is out of the question, and you feel like you haven't even begun to find the kind of information you need AND it's a pandemic, to boot, then for sure, I think it's safe to say that in your circumstances, you're clearly at the very start of looking down this road, and probably not quite ready to go down it in a safe way yet, you know? There's just going to be a lot more you need to even consider your choices first, let alone make them.

But you're here now, so you at least have found one place where you can start getting some information to begin getting a better sense of things. Can I ask what you've looked at on the site here so far? What kinds of conversations have you and your girlfriend had about sexual readiness for both of you in general? What's it like for you two in terms of even having a relationship right now: do both of your parents know about your relationship? Are they accepting? What's your scoop with contact right now given COVID, and what are your family rules with basic contact and all that at the moment?

Dear Heather,
Thank you for the response, so far on this site I've looked at other peoples problems regarding sexual readiness but it just made me feel more lost if I'm being honest. The conversations I've had with my girlfriend have been about tons of things! For example, what we like and don't like, the risks of it all, how we want to prevent STD's and of course, the elephant in the room, my BDSM kink. My girlfriend is a dominant person, we've practiced more "kinky" things with our everyday relationship, (for example I'll call her mommy, she calls me princess... or she'll "punish" me *it's consensual!* for certain things, her punishments are usually spanking or choking or making me wait to go to the bathroom) As for my parents, they do not know about my relationship and are not accepting of the kink community and me being lesbian. I currently go to school (I live in a VERY small, christian town) and hang out with my girlfriend outside of school (usually at her house or a nearby park) Her punishments also take place in school, there's been multiple occasions where she's spanked me in the school bathrooms, but for the biggest mostest part, anything sexual we do is at her house. Her mom knows about us and is fulling accepting, but, her mom is never home (that's when she does the majority of the punishments and whatnought) My parents rules for contact is school and my girlfriends house, or as they know her, my best friends house. I'm also frightened that the punishments count as abuse despite me wanting them and giving her consent to do so every time when she asks.

[Heather]

Hey there.

So, you've posted about some things here that pose some real dangers in a couple of ways.

1) Choking or any kind of "breath play" or erotic asphyxiation is very dangerous and isn't something that's advised by sexual safety folks for people of ANY age to do (separate from simply holding your own breath like you might while swimming). It's not safe for anyone to be choking you, in any context, ever.
2) Waiting to go to the bathroom when you have to is also not a healthy thing for anyone to be doing, especially anyone with a vagina: that's a way to get urinary tract infection (which then means having to go get healthcare for it, btw, since they don't just go away).
3) Engaging in sex play at school is also a very unsafe thing to be doing in a lot of ways, particularly given it sounds like your school is highly unlikely to be understanding about your orientation OR the kinds of sexual play you're engaging in. In the event you get caught, or word gets to them from other students, and your parents are informed, that also means being outed to your parents about all of this, and certainly not in the ideal way, to say the least. To boot, that also potentially nonconsensually involves someone else in your scene should they walk in, which is just never cool to do, again, no matter our age.

So, that's all that stuff, which I'd advise you reconsider right away. Some of that stuff suggests that one thing you're having a hard time with, and your girlfriend, too, is good judgement around all of this, which isn't super surprising. It's hard to have amazing judgement at 13, which is why you may be already getting ahead of yourselves here, you know?

It also sounds like maybe neither of you have been researching much about physical or emotional safety and BDSM. I'd strongly suggest that before you move forward, you take some real time to do that.

It sounds like you haven't actually looked at the site as a whole so much as the message boards, do I have that right? You talked about other people's problems, which doesn't sound like you were looking at site content so much.

Here are a few articles I think would be a good idea for you to take a look at to start with, and from the sounds of things, your girlfriend, too. Perhaps you could look at them together:
• Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
• Well, F*ck Me! It's a Scarleteen Zine!
• Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
• This piece is written explicitly for people with disabilities, but also has some great general information for everyone: https://www.scarleteen.com/wheelchair_b ... disability
• 50 Shades of BS - How to Tell the Difference Between Kink and Abuse

That's a bunch to start with, so how about you spend a couple days with those and then we circle back from there once you have some more basic info on your plate to inform these conversations?