Anxiety about potential relationship manifesting into a series of nightmares

[Sam W]

You can absolutely take whatever space you need! We're here to help or talk when you need it, but you can always take a break or end conversations here as needed.

[Rocky]

I finally got to hang out with him again today. He actually messaged me ten minutes after the last time I messaged you saying he didn't show up because he spent the whole day packing and preparing to move back to campus, and then fell asleep half an hour before he was supposed to meet me. Glad he had a good reason for not showing up, I won't get upset with anyone for that if they had a legit reason. We watched two Twilight Zone episodes. He saw one episode a few years ago, and didn't know anything else, he didn't know any of the twist endings that the show is famous for, and told me to pick anything. I deliberately chose something that isn't one of the best known ones, because everyone seems to get introduced to the show with the classics, also because while I do like some of the classics a lot, there are some I think are a bit overrated, some I still enjoy, others not so much. Guess that's what I get for being a snob of the show. He seemed to enjoy both episodes I showed him, and the best part was hearing his reactions to the twists. The first episode we were both completely silent, until the end he said "Oh my God! He disappeared!", and then went on about how he didn't see it coming. The second episode had an even bigger twist, and his reaction was great. It looks like we will be watching more episodes when we meet in the future. Once again, he suggested meeting later in the week, but I said I would prefer to meet next week at the same time, partially because that would work best for me class wise, and because I'm still trying to figure out what kind of boundary I need. We also discovered we have a film class together. I wonder how long it will take before I am ready to show him an episode that makes me cry.

[Mo]

I'm glad you had a good time together!

[Rocky]

I think I'm getting to a point where I am starting to like him even more. I have found myself having fantasies about him. Kissing, sex, having a future with him. Wonder if part of it is my mind feeling social interaction deprived. I haven't hugged someone who wasn't my parents since March. I wouldn't say that I love him, still don't trust myself after my previous relationship, but my feelings for him are becoming more intense. I feel weird about it since I haven't met him in person. We are going to watch more Twilight Zone this weekend. We were thinking about hanging out today, but had to reschedule since he had an appointment. I'm just glad he is giving me legitimate reasons. I was also using a bunch of nervous energy today, so I'm glad we rescheduled. I feel like what was going on in my mind the past week went a little out of control. The thoughts make me happy for the most part, but I don't want to get my hopes up. We did chat a little yesterday, and I found myself wondering whether or not I should have sent him a picture of how much snow there was where I live. As far as pictures go, that seems fine, and he did reply with "Oh my". I still want to keep in mind that whenever I do date again, it could be with a different person, but I think we have potential. I have heard that when it is safe to socialize again, people may go a little crazy I wonder and kind of hope if we will go crazy when we can meet in person. On a different note, for my masturbation sessions, I think I am beginning to figure out how often I need to have them to keep myself satisfied. Seems weird I feel the need to plan them in advance, but having routines does help keep my anxiety in check.

[Mo]

I do think a lot of people are having a hard time figuring out their emotions around relationships and attraction right now, when social interaction and physical contact are so limited. Even if you aren't entirely sure how you're feeling in a long-term context, it sounds like things are going well for now, which is still a good thing!
And I can certainly understand why planning would be helpful; if it works for you and helps your anxiety, then I think that's a sign of a good routine you've worked out for yourself.

[Rocky]

So today is Valentine's Day, and I always find myself feeling a little blue this time of year. I have done some pretty stupid things on Valentine's day when I was a kid. There were two occassions when I tried giving anonymous Valentine's to boys I liked in middle school, but they both figured out it was me. Both got me bullied. I was also one of those people who never received Valenties, I felt like a Charlie Brown. The second occassion was actually intended to be a prank, where I gave him chocolate in the shape of a fish, and I wrote an overly gushy love letter, then I realized I actually did have feelings for him, and things kind of spiraled out of control from there. I'm not autistic, at least I don't think I am, but I had a hard time picking up on social cues in the past. I have asked my mom if she is sure I'm not autistic, and she's like "I never thought you were, but you do pick up on social cues better than you did in the past", so I feel like that kind of contradicted what she just said. What happened in eighth grade was complicated. I did overstep my boundaries, and I probably did deserve being temporarily blocked on social media by him, but he was confusing to figure out. Even after I was able to get over my crush on him, it felt like he couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to be friends with me or just hated my guts, that seemed to alternate a lot. In all fairness, he has gone through some hard times. His family wasn't really nice or accepting, He was a repressed gay for years and one day he snapped mentally, and became even more unfiltered. He has been through a lot, but my family and I both agree that he is hard to feel sympathy for. Senior year he went to a different school, and seemed to disown everything that happened the previous four years. There was more than one occassion where I saw him, and wanted to chew him out, but refrained. I once had to delete his phone number because I was on the verge on calling him out for being a jerk. I decided to refrain from messaging the guy I like today. I have been through so much awkwardness on past Valentine's days that I just want to avoid it this year, though I secretly hope he'll message me today, but I'm not going to get my hopes up since it looks like we are just friends. We were going to try to hang out yesterday, but his circadian rhythm is messed up, and didn't wake up till six in the evening last night, which I honestly thought was kind of funny. I may ask him tomorrow if he wants to hang out later this week, but I'm not sure. I'm still reluctant to make myself look insecure. Also, one of my friends from high school got engaged. I'm happy for her, but I find myself thinking, "You're only 20 years old, and you haven't dated him for a year yet", but at the same time, she seems happier than she has ever been. She has also been through quite a bit. I messaged her congratulating her, and that I glad he makes her as happy as he does. It feels kind of jarring, it feels like a reminder that we are not children anymore.

[Sam W]

Hi Amthyst,

Valentines Day can bring up a lot of different emotions and memories for folks. It's one of those days where we're dealing with expectations or ideas about romance that we've been picking up since we were kids (and, as you pointed out, the way Valentines Day plays out in school is a great way to take some hits to your self-esteem). How are you feeling now that the day is over and done?

I hope you're able to hang out with your friend later this week; even if things aren't heading in a romantic direction, it sounds like the relationship is a positive one!

I agree that it can be really jarring to see peers hitting those big life transitions. I feel like your twenties are a big time for those, because people are in radically different places in their life.

[Rocky]

I'm doing okay now. My parents also aren't big on Valentine's day, but they still give me presents that day, and yesterday they gave me a huge collection of Ray Bradbury stories and some Twilight Zone trading cards, so that was nice. I glad that my parents really love each other, this summer will be their 25th wedding anniversary, and the 30th anniversary of when they met. I was feeling pretty depressed yesterday morning, but I was feeling better later in the day, especially when I was able to get out of the house and up to the country since I was stuck inside on Saturday due to an ice storm. I was thinking about watching "Be My Valentine Charlie Brown" yesterday, but opted not too since I didn't want to get that depressed again. Instead I ended up watching the Black Mirror episode "Be Right Back". For the past couple of years my way of coping with Valentine's day seems to be watching anti romance things, which was kind of why I watched that particular episode, and last year I watched "Blue Velvet" that night. Even the one Valentine's day where I was in a relationship, I didn't even do anything with him that day. We ended up having to celebrate a couple days early because I had a late night play rehearsal, but I did go out of my way to wear the shirt he gave me. One of my few good Valentine's day memories was he gave me that Rush t-shirt. I still wear it occasionally even though we don't really talk anymore now.

[Sam W]

I will say that using Valentines Day to indulge in anti-romantic things is a time honored tradition! And it sounds like its working in terms of giving yourself something to do on that day. And I''m glad to hear you're feeling better!

[Rocky]

Hey

I'm worried about my mom, and she is getting on my nerves. I have said it before, and I will say it again, I love her very much, I am fortunate to have the type of relationship I have with her, but I don't know how to communicate with her right now. She has had a rough time this past week, and has every right to be upset. She's a teacher, and she has been at home since Covid happened, but starting in March, she has to go back into the school building and teach virtually from there, and she was going on about how her computer there is a piece of crap.

She was using big words that even I as an English major can't see myself using when angry. She seemed to calm down that, but yesterday she went into the building to check to see what cables she needed. She is also a photographer, and a few years ago posted a bunch of pictures that were in the main office. Well, the people in the office took all the pictures down without telling her, and just placed them in her classroom. She still hasn't recovered from that. Like I said, she has every right to be upset with what is going on, but I just want her to shut up.

I have been stuck at home with my parents since Covid hit, and haven't hugged anyone since last March. I want to move out so badly, and have made it very clear to my parents that it's something I have been thinking about a lot lately. I have thought about moving into my grandparent's old house, or to my other grandfather's camper, but I know staying in this house is the safest option. I wish I could move in with someone, but I shouldn't right now, and I'm not going to lie, when I'm vaccinated, I'm probably going to go stay with someone for a few days to escape my parents. My dad is a lot easier to talk to, but my relationship with him is different, we don't have serious talks very often.

Fortunately, for me at least, when my mom goes back to the school building, I'll have the house to myself during the day. I hope she doesn't become even more of a pest, (I have another word for that, but I don't know if I'm allowed to swear on here), even if she has every right to be one. She fortunately doesn't go into vicious mode very often, but when she does, it freaking scary. She says she's thinking about getting a therapist when we return to a sense of normalcy, but I don't understand why she's waiting. I'm doing virtual therapy, she's paying for it! What does she have against it? In high school, when I was having trouble to contain my emotions, she used to tell me that I need to keep in mind about how my actions can affect other people, I feel like telling the same thing to her, and those people who took down her art work without her permission.

I wish more people will be willing to admit that they have screwed up. I try to be a good kid, and ask if she is okay, but hearing her say no over and over again, it doesn't feel like it's worth it. I hope she'll forgive if I decide to stop talking to her for a few days. I just don't know how to talk to her. I also have been having more trouble containing my emotions. I have been crying more often lately. I wonder if she'll accidentally push me into moving out. I have certain safe havens, but when I think about what has been going on lately, I get upset more often.

[moderator edited to add breaks for readability]

[al]

Hi Amthyst,

I'm sorry to hear that your mom's behavior has been getting on your nerves. It sounds like she's dealing with a lot as a result of COVID, and that maybe her fuse is a bit shorter for feeling angry and frustrated. I'm glad that you can see the stress that she's experiencing and coping with, and it sounds like it's also having a negative effect on you.
What does it look like when your mom goes into "vicious mode"? How does it make you feel? Have you ever tried talking to her about that at a later time, when she's not quite as worked up?

It seems like therapy has been helpful for you right now, especially when you're having trouble regulating your emotions (which - who isn't? Show me someone who feels totally in control of how they're feeling and what they do about it right and I'll show you someone who's compartmentalizing to the maximum degree). Has your mom ever been in therapy before? What reasons do you think she has for putting off the idea of going to therapy after COVID?
I'm really glad that you're brainstorming ways for you to take care of yourself and get some relief from 24/7 parent time. Have you been able to connect with your dad at all (about your mom, your own mental health, or something else)? What are you doing when your mom is away at work to take care of yourself or enjoy that relief?

I'm sorry that things are feeling so tough right now. I'm hoping, for your sake, and everyone else's, that while we don't know how soon we'll be able to have some relief from social isolation and being stuck with others without a break, that we can keep identifying and using mechanisms for coping and self-care in the meantime.

[Rocky]

When my mom is in this "vicious mode", she seems to act like the world should revolve around her, and she won't like it if things don't go her way, and she doesn't care how others feel. I don't know how to describe how it makes me feel, but one particular moment, it felt like she forgot how my previous relationship hurt me. I also think of it as a Mary Tyrone moment, but my parents have never read or seen "Long Day's Journey Into Night", so they won't know what I'm talking about. My dad has another way of wording it, based on the way she behaved at an event they were at once. An example of when she an a so called Mary Tyrone moment was last summer, my dad tried taking us up to a waterfall my mom wanted to take pictures at for years, but she "couldn't" because there were people everywhere. I really think she should have taken pictures, and just edited the people out. Anyway, I was standing in a different part of the park, and I saw something who looked alarmingly like my toxic ex, I could have sworn that I was looking into her eyes. It triggered some memories, and then my parents came back, and I told my mom, and she said very bluntly, "I'm sorry", and my dad told me she was upset, so she didn't care how I felt. She seemed to forget we were in a global pandemic, and when I walked off she said "I'm not going to bite your head off". I really wish she didn't feel the need to justify herself, and with her tone it felt like she was trying to convince herself she didn't want to. She went on about how she wanted to take pictures, and my dad and I stared at her, and our eyes were clearly saying, "Shut up!", and she finally went to the car to calm down. I feel like I can't talk to her about these things, because she always seems to say "Am I not allowed to be upset?" Of course she is, I don't want her to be a Stepford Wife. She definitely has my grandfather's vicious streak. She has not been to therapy before. I wonder if part of the reason she keeps putting it off is because when she was growing up, she never felt comfortable telling her parents about her struggles. I love my grandparents, but they can be incredibly stubborn sometimes, and so is she. She just seems reluctant to ask for help. I actually seem to have a better relationship with my grandma then she did. I have talked about politics and my body struggles with my grandma, while my mom doesn't. I can connect with my dad, one of the few times we had a really serious talk was when my mom went back to the car to calm down after having her Mary Tyrone moment. It felt so raw. My dad probably understands me better I am essentially a clone of him. Ironically, he says he feels more at peace than he ever has been. I'm not sure what I'll be doing when my mom is out of the house at work. Guess I'll know when the time comes.

[Sam W]

Oof, it can be so rough when a parent has moods that put you, them, and anyone else on edge. Do you feel like this is something you could try addressing with her or setting a boundary around (for instance, when she's in one of these moods it's okay for her to feel frustrated but not to direct those feels at you)? Or does that feel unsafe or like it won't work?

Since it sounds like you're not yet at the point where she's out of the house for work, are there other way you've found to give yourself some breaks or space from being around her or your dad?

[Rocky]

We actually had that talk earlier this morning. My dad had to go to work in bad weather, and she was understandably pissed off, which caused me to break down. She said she was sorry if her mood has been upsetting me, and I did tell her she needed to be aware that her actions could affect other people, and she said I also needed to be aware that people needed time to process emotions, and that it was part of living with people. When these things happen, I question if whether or not I'm cut out to live with other people. I try to listen, I'm just not the type of person who can handle seeing someone have a melt down. When I hopefully move back to campus in the Fall, I was briefly considering getting a single living space, but maybe it would be good for me to have one suite mate. I would still get my own bedroom, and one suite mate is more tolerate than four. Maybe this is something I should talk about with my therapist. Fortunately, I haven't witnessed her have one in a couple of months. I'm glad that so far during lockdown she's only had two really bad episodes. What I had this morning was also only my second breakdown with lockdown going on, and I actually am considering a partial move out, where I sleep at home, but potentially spend the day in my grandfather's camper, or his upstairs bedroom, but that would all depend on when I get vaccinated, which would hopefully be sooner than later with my asthma, but who knows. I don't know if I'll actually do it yet, but a change of surroundings might do me some good. I spend a good deal of time in my bedroom. My grandfather also lives across the street, but getting there wouldn't be a problem. I said my mom has never been to therapy, she actually did try it when she was in college, but she quit because she didn't like the therapist, and she wants to wait till we are back to a sense of normalcy because she doesn't know if she would have time. It is hard being 20 years old, and being stuck with my parents when I should be starting to enjoy my freedom. I really hope I can go back to campus next year.

[Sam W]

I'm glad the two of you are at least able to talk about this; it may not have changed anything in the short term, but if those lines of communication are accessible that may mean there's hope for more productive conversations down the line.

I would for sure bring up those concerns about living with other people with your therapist. I do want to point out that just because we have trouble living with certain people doesn't mean we have to live alone forever (although there are some people who can and do just that because it works for them). I also think that we're often more attuned to and responsive to the moods of people we live with if they're family members, because we've spent our lives around them and often have deep, emotional relationships with them. Roommate scenarios can be very different, so if it's something you want to explore it could give you a sense of what it's like living with people who aren't family.

I feel you on that frustration with being stuck at home. I dealt with that between undergrad and grad school (without the added stressor of a pandemic) and it can definitely make you feel like you're chewing the walls or like your ability to be independent has been curtailed.

[Rocky]

So originally my mom was told that she was going to be able to work from home for the remainder of the school year, but has now just received an email saying that she now has to start working from the school building she works at on March the 29th. I really do feel sorry for her, but I honestly looking forward to finally being able to have the house to myself. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I do worry about her, and was even considering temporarily quit talking to her, because I didn't know how to communicate with her. She even said that if she could quit her job or retire she could, combined with this and her art show getting taken down without her permission. I kind of wish she could too, if she really feels this way, but she doesn't have a choice since she is the main one in the family who earns the income. I hope I don't see her vicious streak, but am worried that it is possible. I hope that she will adapt to working from the high school, but I hope she doesn't carry a bunch of frustration home. Fortunately I don't think I'll have to deal with this for too much longer, I'm planning to move back to campus in the fall, and just got my an apartment. I have three suite mates, but have my own room this time. I think I do have times when I am afraid of my mom, and I try to be a good kid, but it's hard. For her, it's a week of working at school, then she is on Spring break, then she goes back. I thought all of this got resolved, but now things seem to be boiling up again. My dad wants to take us on some trips over their Spring break, and I hope she'll be pleasant to be around after going back to work. Lately it seems like I can't think about traveling with her after she had that meltdown last summer, even if it was just a one time thing. I hope I don't get to a point where I feel the need to temporarily quit talking to her.

[Mo]

I can understand why you'd be looking forward to your mom being out of the house for a while, but it sounds like her stress at being back in school might manifest itself in ways that will make things tense in a different way than having her at home all the times does. For now it might be best to focus on ways to give her a lot of space and try to de-escalate conflict any time you're able to (even if that might mean temporarily letting things go that you'd rather push back on), while you prepare for being able to move out and have your own space.

It may even be helpful or fun to put some free time into making plans about how you'll fill or decorate your room in your new apartment, figuring out the logistics of what you might need to buy for how prepared you feel for being responsible for your own meals, etc. so that you're able to keep some focus on the positive move happening in the future when your current living situation is stressing you out.