Crushing on Friend/Exploring Bisexuality

[historygirl99]

Hey all! I've found myself in an interesting position with a friend. We've been friends for about three years. We are both bisexual women. I have never dated a woman (I've only ever dated one guy) and I believe she's only dated one girl. We get along really well and I have kind of developed a crush on her over the past year. We haven't been able to hang out as much while I'm at college but I've recently moved home to finish the semester so we're in the same town again. We were talking about our attraction to women the other day and she brought up that she was interested in casually dating more women. I also expressed wanting to try to actively date women and the conversation kind of left at that.

She has expressed in the past that she had a crush on me back in high school but never said anything about it. We sometimes low-key flirt but never openly express anything. We've shared some very deep conversations about our struggles, relationships, parents, etc. so we have a pretty solid connection. I think I want to ask her on a date or say I would like to try something more romantic than platonic if she is up for it.

My main issue is that I am not really out to family and would hate to be in a position where if we get serious I'd have to hide my relationship or not be in one. I'm out to my friends and kind of out to my sister. My parents are pretty understanding but I do have some religious older family on my dad's side that might not be as accepting. I don't want to live my life forever having to hide a part of myself and limit who I can date. The friend is aware I'm not out to my family so it would not be a surprise to her.

My other issue is how do I approach her and tell her how I feel and taking the next step in our relationship if I should at all? We have a solid friendship so I don't think rejection would ruin us being friends. I don't have much experience in dating at all. My ex-boyfriend made a to of the first moves, so I'm unfamiliar with putting myself out there to people and letting myself be vulnerable in that way.

[Heather]

Hey there, historygirl. Welcome to the boards.

Since it sounds like your friend already knows about your limitations when it comes to not being out to family, and it also sounds like you feel confident that putting yourself out there to her in terms of dating wouldn't create problems with your friendship, AND it sounds like you really want to, I sure don't see any reason not to go ahead!

I think that as for the how, that's really about what feels right for you. There's no one way or right way to do this: it's all about our own personalities and then what feels right to us within whatever dynamic we have with the other person. Do you want to brainstorm a little and talk about what you think might feel like the right approach for you?

[historygirl99]

Thank you for your reply!

We often hang out and get lunch to go from one of our favorite restaurants and then eat it up on my city's riverfront. I was thinking of perhaps asking if she was interested in that being a date? Then we could go for a walk on the riverfront and discuss things more in-depth?

[Heather]

My pleasure! I have some feedback on that for you to do what you will with.

I can see pros and cons for that. The pros are that it's a ritual and setting you already feel comfortable with, and it's also something that's already very much about the two of you and your relationship. I think that latter bit might also be the con, though: I wonder if it might be hard to shift something to being a date that's already so established as not-a-date? What would make it a date versus all the times before?

I bring that up because something that can often come up for women dating who are already close friends is working out how it's different from being close friends. When there's already so much emotional intimacy, and pre-established rituals, it can make it all feel a bit murky, and I figure that if you want to be on a date, you probably want it to feel like a date, you know?

[Melamyl]

Oh, thanks for that advice Heather, I have the same exact issue as with our OP here. Thank you.