Worries

[Digdawg]

Hi Scarleteen,

I’ll cut to the chase. Boyfriend and I had vaginal sex today. I’m on the pill, he wore a condom and pulled out. The condom was a thin one we wanted to try if that helps.

Without getting too into the details, we were in doggy and he had finished. Apparently, he saw something on my back that he thought was ejaculate, but after feeling it may have been the lubricant we used pooled and mixed with dead skin or whatever. Nonetheless he told me and wanted me to take the Plan B we had on hand just to be safe.

It’s been a few hours, I took the Plan B. He’s still worried though, and I wish I knew how to calm him down. Usually I’m the one freaking out. Don’t get me wrong, I have my concerns, but we essentially used 4 methods of birth control. He’s not usually a worried person, and I’m also autistic, so I just don’t really know how to support him in this specific situation. Got any ideas?

Thanks.

[Heather]

Maybe you need to cut him loose with this fear and let him manage it himself? After all, it’s not like HE would be the one pregnant here, and YOU are the one now having to bear the physical burden of extra (and unnecessary, as there was nothing your pill wasn’t already doing that Plan B could add save a burden to your body) hormones.

Personally, I would kindly let him know he needs to back off and manage his own feelings from here, were it me. And perhaps reevaluate his readiness for this kind of sex given this, and let you know if it just doesn’t feel like something he can handle right now, with the reassurance that of course that’s okay, if that’s the case. That’s my two cents.

[Digdawg]

I did the math using y’all’s “Buddy System” article and told him that with all the birth control we used, there was less than a 0.09% chance all of it failed. Telling him that seemed to ease his anxiety some.

I’ve told him that there’s really nothing we can do now except wait for me to get my period. We’re gonna take a small break from vaginal sex until I get my period for his sake.

He’s particularly worried that the thin condom we used wasn’t as effective as our typical box of condoms. I’ve let him know that they’re just as effective, and though he liked it, he’s hesitant to try use more.

[Sam W]

I'm glad the information from "Buddy System" helped him calm down some. And I think the two of you taking a break from sex until he feels more comfortable or able to manage his anxieties around this is a sound call.

As Heather mentioned, these are ultimately his feelings to manage, so you may want to kindly direct him to our main site. That way, he can get all the information he needs to ease those worries without making you be the one to find it and relay it to him.

[Digdawg]

I’ve directed him to the site if he needs it. He told me that looking back, he may have been overreacting.

I’m actually studying biology in college. While I understand I’m no fertility specialist, I know enough about the fragility of human sperm and the absolute game of chance a successful pregnancy is to explain it to him. He seems comfortable knowing that sometimes sperm just straight up suck at their jobs sometimes, even the best of them.

[Siân]

Hi Digdawg,

It sounds like you're on the right track - and you're absolutely right both about sperm being fragile little things very few of which will ever make it even close to an egg, and thin condoms being just as effective as thick ones as the reduced friction counters the tiny reduction in strength from thinner material.