Personal issues interfering with sex life

[Hel]

I feel like I really messed up and I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do.

I was with my boyfriend and we were hanging out and talking, and it was wonderful. I thought that I wanted more...

I couldn’t orgasm all week and I thought that I really wanted him in a sexual way. So I convinced him to finger me. The whole time it hurt because I wasn’t turned on. I didn’t even tell him what felt good, which was really bad because it felt forced. (It felt forced on my end. He was just doing his best to help my needs and just doing what I asked.) It wasn’t romantic at all but I thought I really needed it... in the moment I really wanted to suck his dick as well. So I did and I wasn’t really turned on like I usually am. He gave me a facial which normally would have made me super horny. Except it didn’t and I just felt awful like I shouldn’t have done it.

I told him I felt really guilty like I used him for sex that I didn’t even really want. I’m just so stressed about so many things right now: gender, sexuality, stress over family stuff. I told him about that stuff too and he was great and supportive as he usually is. He said it was okay and I wasn’t using him or anything. He told me he loves me and said that I definitely should focus on trying to sort out some of those issues. So basically he was being really nice and a great boyfriend - comforting me and telling me everything will be okay. But I still feel bad because I didn’t even want the sex I just felt like I really needed a stress relief, and in the end I didn’t even get that because I just feel even worse.

I’m going to see a counselor to talk about some of my issues, and my boyfriend loves me and everything, but I just feel so mad at myself. I don’t know what to do. I want to be turned on and do all this new sexual stuff, but I don’t think I’m in a good mental state for it so it’s just super frustrating. Any advice?

[Urna]

Hi Hel, thank you for messaging! It sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and that distressing sexual experience just made things worse. But you also seem very self-aware and attuned to your needs and overall emotional climate, which is great, and will definitely help you work through these circumstances. My advice would be to not engage in any kind of sexual activity when you a) know that you're in a bad mental state for it, b) are not getting turned on by the sort of stuff that usually gives you pleasure, and c) sex leaves you distressed and feeling even worse than before you started. Listen to your body, honour your limits, and please don't traumatize yourself by saying yes to or suggesting sex that ultimately makes you feel miserable. I'm glad your boyfriend is being supportive right now, though, and I'd suggest that you two find other avenues for stress relief, such as maybe going on a date with fun activities planned that can distract you from the issues you're facing at home, or watching a movie together, cooking together, etc. Does that sound viable?

[Hel]

Abstaining from sex related things right now seems like a good solution - unless I'm 100% in the mood for it and I know it won't cause me stress. Thank you for the good suggestion. And yeah, doing other activities with my boyfriend and my friends that aren't related to sex - and are good for stress relief like the ones you mentioned - also sounds like a good plan. Thanks for the advice!

[Urna]

You're very welcome, and take it easy, Hel!