Need some comfort

[Lu C]

If you have a little time, I would highly recommend that you read this article: 10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)

It sums up some of the things we should always keep in mind to take care of ourselves. Looking at a new, complicated situation through GAD eyes can be overwhelming. Maybe reading this could help you organise your thoughts and feelings to see them more clearly. I hope it helps!

[flores2231]

I'm sorry but I am confused. I am trying to figure out if he did sexually coerced me because that's what I've been struggling with so much. I feel like that's the only way I can move forward. I do have an idea of what you are trying to say though. I feel like it is up to me to really figure if it was or not based on the information I'm given because I was the one who had those sexual encounters. Because if I do find out that it was coercion I feel like I can't trust him the same. How I feel right now is that I do still love him but I'm a bit uncomfortable around him and need space even though I miss him a lot. I miss how things used to be. But now I'm stuck to figure out if he really did sexually coerce me. My feelings are really indecisive. But for some reason I kept overthinking it. I just need guidance. I need help I'm stuck in this loop hole. If I can't figure out if it was coercion due to the past how can I figure it out

[flores2231]

I don't want my experiences to be swept under the rug. I'm scared that I just dismiss them and I end up finding out it coercion

[flores2231]

I think I figured some of my feelings out right now. I feel annoyed and bothered by the fact that when I said no he didn't take me seriously and would keep nagging. Another thing that also bothers me is that when I said I was paranoid as well he would reassure me and tell me it's okay. I would still do it either way. There's also this one time where we were having sex and I said it hurt and he pushed his penis a bit more and I was about to tell him to stop but then it stopped hurting and I told him to continue. But I feel bothered and annoyed and butt-hurt and a bit of resentment because he didn't really take me seriously those times. There were other times where he did. I don't know how to really overcome those feelings. I do know that he hasn't done it again after I confronted him about it. It's also hard because I do love him a lot and we have a great connection. Right now I'm texting him and we are bonding but at the same time I feel bothered and butt-hurt because of this situation. I do want to move on past it and continue vibing with him but those feelings are blocking it.

[Emily N]

To me, the experiences you have described match the definition of coercion - you did not give him enthusiastic consent, you expressed a desire that he stop, and he didn’t listen. You also mention that you continue to feel uncomfortable around him and that you feel trauma even after he has apologized - these are strong, valid reactions that indicate that regardless of how you decide to label his behaviour, it has greatly affected your relationship.

But I also agree with LuC that you do not need to assign labels to your boyfriend, especially if these labels cause more pain than help. You also mentioned in a past post that you were worried about being hypocritical - but as the saying goes, “two wrongs don’t make a right”. Your feelings of trauma are still valid reasons to end a relationship, regardless of your own actions. It’s also so important that you recognized your own behavior as one you don’t want to bring forward into your relationships, and I see that as amazing growth

[flores2231]

I think you are right. I keep doubting myself though because again I can't remember those memories for sure and I think that's understandable. I have two more questions though about coercion and I think I will be okay

Let's say I say no and he kept asking and I say yes and I was okay when I said yes as well too, is that coercion?

Is it coercion if I was still not sure about it and I said no?

Other than that, I think I'm going to take more time to really figure out my feelings. I just can't seem to trust myself as you guys can probably tell lol. I'm very indecisive. Sometimes I wish I knew what's my intuition and what's my anxiety. I do realize that no matter what I do, I still have to overcome these memories and situation. But thank you for your guys help and it does make me relieved that I don't have to label things. I will label it as sexual pressure and crossing boundaries because that is helpful for me.

[flores2231]

I'm so sorry if this post was long. I just feel like the worst human in the world. I remember this one time as well where my boyfriend and I were doing a sexual position and he at first didn't want to because his butt would hurt but then I told him he can use a pillow and he was fine with it and we did it. We did change positions afterwards because we got bored and his butt was kinda hurting again. I told him about it and he said that it was fine and that it was okay. I just feel like a rapist because I'm not sure if I coerced him or not

[Lu C]

"Let's say I say no and he kept asking and I say yes and I was okay when I said yes as well too, is that coercion?"

Yes. Because not taking a no for an answer doesn't leave room for the other person to do anything but say yes eventually, don't you think? Consent is not enthusiastic and free when we are led to believe that the only way to get out of this uncomfortable situation is to say yes. Whatever narratives we create to cope with that fact, which usually tend to make the other person's desires more important than ours, or perhaps thinking we are okay with it when we say yes, DO NOT change the fact that the other person saw our no and decided to ignore it.

"Is it coercion if I was still not sure about it and I said no?"

The no is what you communicate to your partner. That and your body language of course. He couldn't have read your mind to know you were unsure, but if you know you were unsure, you most likely weren't giving enthusiastic consent, right?

The situation about the pillow doesn't sound like coercion to me. If he told you the reason he didn't want that particular position was the pain but when you brought up a possible solution he tried it and said that would be alright, sounds like he wasn't saying no to the sex, but to the position for a perhaps technical reason. However, his body language could be giving out the details I can't really know. If you are in doubt and feel comfortable with it, you could bring this up with him and ask him. In any case how he honestly felt and feels about it is what will determine whether you hurt him or not.

Here is a short story that could illustrate a little bit for you the kind of conversations that go into play whilst giving/withdrawing consent: Scarleteen Mix #6: Consenting and Other Sexual Communication
Here is a short article that could lead you to others if you are interested in reading more about consent: Quickies: Sexual Consent Basics

I would like to add that consent hasn't been a widespread topic until recently so it is possible that we will realize now about times when we didn't give consent and the other person disregarded it or even about times when ourselves disregarded other person's nonconsent. As human beings what is right to do is apologize and make ammends when we realize we have hurt someone else or when we feel we have betrayed ourselves doing something that doesn't live up to our moral values. But most importantly, we have to learn and educate ourselves about the right way to approach the situation in the future.

[flores2231]

Thank you LuC,

I did talk to him. He said that he was okay with it and he doesn’t feel hurt or violated. I do remember asking why he didn’t want to that position and told him how I wanted to do it and suggested a pillow and we did it until his butt was hurting again lol. I am going to take time to find the answer within me. Thank you for ur advice last time about how I shouldn’t break up with him because of coercion instead break up with him because there’s no trust or comfort in the relationship. I am still going to take time to figure things through thank you so much

[Sam W]

Hi flores2231,

I'm glad talking here has been helpful, and I hope that time of self-reflection helps you out. Is there anything else we can help you with around this (or anything else) right now?