Changed my mind

[Hel]

So at the beginning of our relationship I made it very clear to my boyfriend that I didn’t want him to touch my butt. At the time I was self conscious about it because I have a lot of stretch marks from when I lost too much weight during one of my eating disorders, and I thought my ass was really not attractive. Now, I’ve had a change of heart. I’m actually feeling really sexy right now - got myself lacy bras and underwear, as well as leggings that are tight and make my ass look FINE.

So in short I want my boyfriend to touch my butt... (he did once but it was a few months ago and we were mostly just focused on talking since we hadn’t seen each other for a while due to COVID, so he stopped) How do I ask him?

I’m letting him initiate things because I have a lot going on and I like it better when he asks me out first. So would it be weird of me to ask about this semi-sexual gesture when I’m not trying to bring up sexy stuff before him? (Just to clarify: I’m letting him initiate things because I had been for a - very - long time and it was stressful for me. I don’t believe in gender norms, I just prefer it when he asks me out because it makes me feel like a priority.)

Also, how do I ask him to call me ‘baby’? Like, not just when it’s both of us but when we’re in public too, because I think it’s a really sweet nickname.

[Sam W]

Hi Hel,

I think this is one of those situations where a direct ask is totally okay! Or, if the two of you regularly check in about what kinds of touch you do and don't want, that could be a good time to bring it up as well. With the pet name, does he generally call you things like that, or are pet names not a thing he does?

[Hel]

I would say on about 50% of the time we spend together, just the two of us, one of us (usually me) asks how things are going with the relationship in general and what kinds of physical stuff is okay. I guess I could bring it up the next time we’re alone together.

The only times he’s called me any pet names - including ‘baby’ - are the times we’ve done more sexual stuff (e.g. “that’s it baby; you’re such a good girl; you’re perfect). That’s nice and all but I want to take the nicknames outside the bedroom.

In the past, at the beginning of the relationship, we tried to think of good nicknames/pet names for each other, but ended up not using any because we couldn’t think of ones that were meaningful enough. (We searched a LOT for good ones.) I just like the idea of him calling me baby more, especially in public, because it makes me feel special. We can’t really do more than hold hands and stand close to each other at school and when we’re hanging out in larger feiend groups, so the idea of using a significant nickname is nice.

[Tess V]

Hi Hel,
That's great to hear that you already do regular check-ins with your partner and open the conversation about your relationship and your sexual/physical boundaries. As you mentioned, it seems like a great thing to bring up to your partner next time you talk!
Regarding the nicknames, it's also totally fine that some nicknames might feel really nice in public but not while you're being sexual. If "baby" sounds nice to him as well, while you're out at school for instance than it sounds like a great option!

[Carly]

Hi Hel! Just wanted to link to one of my fave resources about communication on Scarleteen: Be A Blabbermouth! This a great guide to communication in general, but especially for the kinds of changes you want to talk to your boyfriend about. There's also a related resource with some sample conversations using the tips and tools that the Blabbermouth article talks about. Was this helpful for you? I hope this gave some insight on how to start the conversation and express what you need to.

[Hel]

Thanks for the advice and the articles! It was very helpful.