I was emotionally abusive. Should I carry my guilt?

[springflower]

TW: suicidality, emotional abuse, manipulation
I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years. I’m 21 years old. When I started college, I became suicidal and there were lots of reasons for it—my mother had been emotionally abusive to me, and being away from that for the first time meant I was really starting to process that trauma. I was also on a birth control that dramatically worsened my depression. Our relationship turned toxic. I called him, crying for help, and he came every time to keep me safe. It got to the point where he was terrified to get a text from me because there was a good chance I would be in crisis. I was completely dependent on him for my well-being. Things started to get better when I changed my birth control and my medication for depression and started therapy. But even though the crises became less frequent, they still happened. After several months of crises of fluctuating intensity, my boyfriend said he wanted to take a break. We did so for a month. During that month, I made a ton of progress. It was a wake up call for me, and my therapist and I worked together to create a wellness plan for me. I practiced coping skill every day, drawing from CBT, DBT, IFS, and mindfulness. I built my support system outwards so that my partner was no longer my only emotional support option. My friends, my sisters, my therapist, and myself. I got stronger, happier, healthier, and I felt like myself for the first time in so long.
So we met up again after a month. He was extremely anxious and said that after deciding several days ago that he was going to end the relationship, he immediately felt awful. I said I understood and I wanted us both to be happy. I apologized for hurting him, and said even though it wasn’t intentional, there was no excuse for hurting him and for making him feel responsible for my actions. I explained that I wanted to change and told him about the work I was doing. I said if there was any way he could see us being happy together one day, I was willing to do the work. But if it wasn’t possible for me to make him happy, I said we should walk away now, and find people we could be happy with. He broke down crying. I asked do you want a hug, or a hand, or some space. He said no. I waited. We talked for hours and eventually decided what we would each work on, individually and together.
It’s been 3 years since then. We’re living together, we’re in love, I’m doing really well, and although my partner is going through some of his own stuff right now that I’m supporting him through as much as I can, our relationship is good and we’re happy.
I’m in the process of learning more about domestic violence. And as I’m taking the course there are some aspects of my previous behavior that are being discussed by others in the course and I find myself thinking more often about that period of time in my relationship. I spoke with my partner about it, and asked him about his feelings about our history now that time has passed. He wholeheartedly forgives me and says he doesn’t ruminate on that time, that he knows I am a very different person now that my depression is firmly in remission.
And here is my question, and it’s a heavy one: should I carry the guilt with me? I know that even though I have done and am still doing all I can to be a better person, a better partner, I still caused him harm and I can’t undo that. Where does that leave me? Is it part of my penance, a necessary consequence, that I should carry my guilt, maintain accountability for my actions, acknowledge that causing harm was a choice? It feels like a lie to look at my past and say “I was a different person back then,” because I’m not. I am that person, just 3 years down the line. I guess my question is this—SHOULD I hold onto my guilt? Is that maybe what I deserve for hurting someone else?

[Carly]

Hi Springflower! Thank you for sharing all of this with us. Sometimes it can be hard to be vulnerable and open about past behavior we aren't proud of. It sounds like you've taken your growth very seriously, and I think you should be really proud of the progress you made in not only getting to a healthier mental space but understanding the harm it caused others also. I personally do not think you need to hold on to the guilt, but the knowledge you've gained about yourself and your sense of responsibility for your actions instead. I think it is totally possible to be an accountable person without actively carrying the pain of guilt around with you. You said that your boyfriend has stated that he's forgiven you and has moved on emotionally - is there something you still need closure on with what happened?