my guilt is eating me up alive

[haikyufan123]

hey scarleteen staff,

i cant help but to feel guilty what i did to my boyfriend. i give my boyfriend blowjobs and i stop after he cums. there was this one time where i think i accidentally kept going after he came, im not sure. anyways, i remember us talking about how it can feel intense and uncomfortable for someone to keep sucking after the person finishes.after, i remember doing it another time as well just to tease him for like 5 seconds but i stopped when he pulled away. i just feel like an assaulter and a rapist. i did talk to him and he said that it was fine that it really doesn’t bother him but i feel horrible because i feel like i sexually assaulted him

[Marisha]

Hi haikyufan123,

I respect the fact that you're thinking about your boyfriend's comfort during sex. Tending to a person's needs and respecting their boundaries is just as important to sex as pleasure.

I'm reading the words you've written -

i think i accidentally kept going

i stopped when he pulled away

i did talk to him and he said that it was fine that it really doesn’t bother him

- and it sounds like you didn't mean to cause harm, and likely did not. So, where is the guilt coming from? Did you tell him about your guilt?

I feel that another line of questioning is in order: did you continue this behavior after he told you not to? Did you do so with the intention of violating his boundaries? As in, did you have the thought of continuing despite his preferences?

The reason I'm asking these questions is because I'm trying to give examples where the behavior would absolutely be unacceptable to measure your own actions with. It sounds like you weren't purposely trying to cause him discomfort, nor were you necessarily putting your pleasure above his at his expense. However, I will pose these questions anyway because, though your description of things makes it sound like it's unlikely that you caused harm, we can still think about how to draw these lines that lead us to reduce harm whenever possible. What steps are you taking as an individual to make sure that your boyfriend is okay?

Ultimately, the best way to know whether you made your partner uncomfortable is to ask them and to allow them the space to comfortably express any possible negative feelings.

It's good that you care. Just remember to show it!

[haikyufan123]

all i know is that i wanted to tease him when i tried to keep sucking. i tried to but i didn’t really get to do it fully because he pulled away. i haven’t done it since. this guilt is coming from the fact that i was sexually coerced before and he was also pressured to do things he didn’t want to do in his previous relationships. i did tell him about how guilty i felt and he did say that it was fine and that it really doesn’t bother him. i just feel horrible because i remember us having conversations before how it feels weird for a girl to keep sucking after a guy cums. i feel like i sexually assaulted him

[haikyufan123]

basically, we had conversations about how its weird for a person to keep sucking after the guy cums because it feels weird for them. i still tried to do it to tease him but i stopped once he pulled away. i feel guilty and he said that it was fine and he wasn’t really bothered by it

[Marisha]

all i know is that i wanted to tease him

So, it sounds like you weren't trying to hurt him ...

i did tell him about how guilty i felt and he did say that it was fine and that it really doesn’t bother him

...and he didn't seem to feel or express any hurt.

Here at Scarleteen, we define sexual assault as "[d]oing something sexual to someone who does not want that done to them, often by force or threat, or having something done to you sexually by someone else that is not wanted and/or which you have not consented to." You may have done something that felt weird for him, but you stopped as soon as he moved away, and did not try to coerce him or do it again. Again, it sounds like you did not cause any harm in this situation. I think it's also significant that you mentioned your guilt to him, allowing him to talk about his feelings in this context, and he did not express feelings of hurt or discomfort. There's a difference between an act that feels weird and an act that feels wrong. Does all of that make sense?

this guilt is coming from the fact that i was sexually coerced before and he was also pressured to do things he didn’t want to do in his previous relationships

I also want to say that I'm very sorry that you both went through this. It makes sense that you're talking this through because you don't want to reproduce the same harm that you both experienced in the past. Do you want to say more about this?

[haikyufan123]

thank you marisha,

im a huge overthinker and ur words really made me feel much more calm and relieved thank you. other than that i used to smack his butt playfully to annoy him because he doesn’t like it but i stopped because i learned more about consent. other than that, i don’t remember if he said he didn’t like it when girls keep sucking after they guy cums because it feels weird idk. anyways, he said it doesn’t bother him and that hes kinda used to it because of his previous relationships which i told him that it wasn’t good at all. he said that it’s okay and i apologized. i was sexually coerced before and the guy thought i was joking when i said no. it still affected me but i am now more okay with it because i am going to seek therapy. thank you again marisha

[Carly]

Hey haikyufan123! I think Marisha is touching on some great point here, one of the most important being that it sounds like you did not intentionally violate your boyfriend's boundaries and you do not want to do it again. In order to not do it again I think you need to keep communication about sex as open as possible, especially communication that happens while you're having sex. Have you ever had a conversation where you both talked about things you wanted to try and do and what you didn't?

I also wanted to encourage you to make sure that consent is active and ongoing while you're having sex. It sounds like you're familiar with consent already, but this article goes into a little more detail on it and gives some common verbal signals of consent and nonconsent.

[haikyufan123]

thank you for ur response carly,

i just feel horrible because even if i didn’t do it unintentionally i still violated his boundaries. i don’t remember any other times where i did the same thing. anyways, i will check out that article thank you

[haikyufan123]

i’m just scared that i may have sexually assaulted him with the whole blowjob thing

[Emily N]

Hi haikyufan123,

I agree with both Marisha and Carly - it sounds like you realized immediately that it was physically uncomfortable for your boyfriend and you took good steps to apologize and check in with him about his feelings. So, this doesn't sound explicitly like assault to me, either. I understand that it can be really difficult to immediately remove yourself from guilt though. The most important thing is that you and your boyfriend are both continually communicating about your boundaries as well as the things that make you feel good - both may likely change over time!

[haikyufan123]

thank you for ur reassurance,

i was worried that i might have sexually abused him because i felt like i crossed boundaries. he also reassured me that it didn’t really bother him and that he was used to that type of stuff due to his previous relationships and i felt bad and told him that what they did was wrong and what i did wasn’t good either

[Emily N]

It's good to hear that you are validating his experiences, as well! It sounds like you are building a supportive relationship

[haikyufan123]

just to make sure,

so i didn’t sexually abuse or assault him?

[Emily N]

In addition to Marisha, Carly, and my thoughts, it also sounds like your boyfriend has assured you that he is feeling fine afterwards and you didn't assault him. Do you want to talk more about how to deal with those remaining feelings of guilt, or is there something else that would be helpful to talk about?

[haikyufan123]

sure i’ll talk about my feelings,

i’m just worried. he said that he wasn’t bothered and that he’s used to it because his exes would do stuff like that and i felt really bad because what if he’s bothered by it in the future and like the only reason he doesn’t feel bad because he’s used to it. i keep overthinking that i did abuse him and that i did assault him because i do remember us having convos about how uncomfortable and weird it is for someone to keep sucking after the guy cums and i decided to tease him and do it. i feel like if i were to tell someone else they’ll say that i did assault him. i need some advice on how to really let go some of this guilt

[Heather]

Hey there, haikyufan.

It sounds to me like in order to do that, you might have to figure out where it's really coming from.

He's been very clear with you that it was NOT a boundary violation on his part. Just because something might feel weird sometimes doesn't mean a boundary has been crossed, by the way, but again, I feel like he's made that clear to you.

My guess is that what this might actually be about is your own trauma per the coercion you suffered in the past. have you talked with your therapist about this? That'd be what I'd suggest as a next step.

[haikyufan123]

thanks heather,

yes i have an appointment with her today so i am going to talk to her about it. thank you so much for all of your guys help and reassurance

[Heather]

Sure thing. I hope you can start feeling better about it soon. It sounds like this has just been really activating for you when it comes to your trauma. <3

[haikyufan123]

i also forgot to mention,
i still feel guilty about this one incident and idk if i should still. i remember is that i wanted him to finger me and i think he was hesistant and he did finger me. i also remember (i think he stopped fingering me) saying “PLEASEEE” even tho i think he said he had to go and i don’t remember if he did finger me after nagging. i talked to him about it and he said he really doesn’t remember and he doesn’t feel violated and that i shouldnt worry. i still feel bad and worried tho

[Heather]

Hey there, haikyufan.

I really think that this sounds like a level of guilt that is so severe, pervasive, and intrusive, and so misaligned with what it's attached to (in this case, situations where your partner is assuring you that they do not feel violations have occurred) that we are not the right people to help with this. This just feels like we'd be far out of our depth, and that your therapist or another mental health professional, something with that training and those credentials, is the right kind of help.

Was talking with your therapist about this fruitful last time? Can you continue to do that?

[haikyufan123]

my therapist said that i didn’t really commit a crime and since we did cross each other boundaries. i just can’t stop ruminating about it and it’s worse because i can’t remember everything and neither does he. all ik is that he told me that if he did feel like i assault him he would have remembered and told other people that i did. even after i told him about the situation he said that he doesn’t feel violated and that i have nothing to worry about. my brain just won’t shut off and i need so much reassurance but i cant get it unless its from myself

[Heather]

What you're saying in your last sentence sounds like a very correct description of what's happening here, which is why I am honestly surprised to hear that that's all your therapist said about this. Have you told them how pervasive these thoughts are? Because this sounds, to me, like it is clearly at the point of obsessive thinking, something I'd expect a therapist to address in a different way than telling you you didn't commit a crime. Did they talk to you at all about obsessive thinking, do any evaluating around OCD, PTSD or both, or refer you to anyone else for that? That's what I would both expect and think is needed at this point. I'm very concerned about you finding help and relief with this: this sounds tremendously disruptive to your life and well-being at this point. <3

[haikyufan123]

yes, my therapist has told me how i have been obsessively thinking about it and she thinks that since i didn’t use force or threats or stuff like that that i didn’t commit a crime. i just cant help but to feel worried and doubt myself even tho my ex told me that i didn’t violate him or pressure him. i just feel worried because he doesn’t remember but he assured me saying that if he doesn’t remember it didn’t traumatize him and that i should be okay. and its worst because i keep thinking about it so much and trying to remember everything to the point where it’s frustrating. im so scared that im a r*pist and i coerced someone. it scared me so much. i feel horrible about myself. i am going to talk to her tmr but thank you so much for everything heather

[Heather]

You're welcome, but I'm so sorry that there isn't more I can do.

There is, however, more a mental healthcare professional can do for you. At the point that one has identified obsessive thinking, they'll also know that trying to talk you into recognizing that it isn't rational is futile. That's part of why we probably can't help you much more with this here. Unfortunately, once a brain starts operation that way, it isn't being rational, so it's not going to be responsive to rational explanations. It -- and you -- will need a different kind of help. I would ask your therapist about that next time, and if they don't offer, it may be time to ask for a referral for help with this (like for a psychiatrist, specifically).

One thing you can do for yourself in the meantime though is to do what you can to try and STOP focusing on this. More focus on this is not going to help you, it's just going to keep your brain in that loop. Distraction is your BFF right now. I'd be doing my best to do whatever you can to get your mind as focused as possible on other things. Can you go get out and do stuff that isn't about this? I bet your boyfriend would like to do something else with you than focus on this, from the sounds of things. How about whether with him, alone or with a friend, you enjoy the weather and get some walks or bike rides in, if those are within reach? Are you a reader? Can you dig into some fiction to take you somewhere else? Binge-watch something if you want to be inside?

[haikyufan123]

okay i will try thank you,

i have one more question, can someone consent while they’re still high on weed or drunk? like if they’re not that high or that drunk