Loosing V Card (white Hymen)

[Tinkerbell]

Hi all
I recently lost my v card too my current boyfriend and was just wondering if anyone had a similar situation to me so I don’t have to stress myself out, we have had sex about 5 times since loosing my virginity and almost every time I have had a little bit of spotting , I examined my vagina and their have been no cuts or anything and I no that we don’t diagnose here but I just wanted too see if any other girls also bled a little their first couple of times, also is it normal to have a white hymen or I was wondering if anyone else had white skin or a white hymen around the opening of their vagina. Thank you lovelies )

[Heather]

Hey there, Tinkerbell.

So, the hymen is actually not right at the opening, but rather, usually inside the opening. And when you can see any of what's left of it -- by the time someone's having sex, it usually will be pretty hard to distinguish from the vaginal opening because much of it will have worn away already, which is why I say "what's left" -- it tends to be the same color as the other genital tissue. If you're seeing something that looks like a radically different color than the rest of your genital tissue but is genital tissue, I'd say it's probably worth checking in with a sexual healthcare provider about. Since you are sexually active, it's time for that healthcare anyway. Do you know where to find that kind of care? If not, we're happy to help you find local care in your area.

Per the spotting, it is fairly common for that to happen, but when it does, it usually isn't about anatomy so much as about how people are doing things. In other words, it often is about not using lube or not using enough lube, about having intercourse too hastily, too aggressively, or before you're turned on enough or without you being turned on enough, things like that. Can you fill me in on what it's been like for you? Are you doing things like being sure to only have intercourse when you really want to and are very excited about it and turned on from other activities first, when you're using plenty of lube, with lots of communication from your partner so they know what to do that feels good to you and to stop of anything doesn't feel good, etc?

[Tinkerbell]

Thank you so much and yes I’m trying to find the best gyno for me so I can feel at ease, and we have had plenty of foreplay enough for me too get wet enough I think, but maybe it has been a bit rough it’s not painful once we get started only initially when putting it in so I’m not sure. Thank so much

[Heather]

Happy to help.

So, it sounds like you're saying you didn't use lubricant, but only relied on what your body made. If so, that's probably one part of why this spotting is happening: I'd say most people need lube, and if you're using condoms, then ALL people need lube. The lube bodies make doesn't really work all that well with condoms. There's no shame in using lube, by the way. Lube is great! The idea there's shame in using lube would be like thinking there is shame on frosting a cake.

Saying it's maybe been a bit rough also sounds to me like you know it probably has been, so there's part two. All the more so if y'all have been aggressive AND not using lube.

Pain when you start is also an indicator that a) there was not enough lube when you start, b) that you also may need to be more excited and relaxed first, and c) that you may need to start intercourse more gradually. When you start, are you doing things like starting with fingers first instead of a penis? And when you start with the penis, is your partner being very slow, going only a little at a time as feels good for you? Are you two talking as you start so that your partner can know when to move forward based on what feels good to you?

[Tinkerbell]

I think I will invest in buying some lube maybe, and a bit more communication could be a good thing, we always start with penis so maybe we should ease in with something else first. And maybe that will benefit me.

[Heather]

Okay, so for sure, it sounds like you're missing a handful of things and it's not at all surprising that you're having spotting. To be clear and sum up, the things that you are or aren't doing that are likely the culprits here are that:
a) You're not ever using a lubricant.
b) You're not being gradual about this when it comes to entry with your vagina, starting with a penis instead of something smaller, like a finer or fingers or smaller toy, and
c) It also sounds like you aren't communicating enough, including about what you need.

Be sure in that communication that your partner knows that none of this is supposed to be painful for you, not even a little bit. It's supposed to feel good the whole time, and if it doesn't, that means y'all need to change something up, like adding that lube or more lube if some isn't enough, like maybe you getting off BEFORE intercourse from something else, like him taking more time with intercourse, like asking you how it's feeling for you step by step and taking it slow, etc. Make sense?