Struggling to keep my weight gain fantasies under control

[belled]

TW: weight, body image

Hi, it’s me again. A couple months ago, I posted on here about struggling with changes in my weight. I was doing some unhealthy behaviors so I tried to correct them, but my problem has actually gotten worse and I think I seriously need help.

So basically I gained about 10 pounds last year because I was quarantining and not exercising much. At first it made me feel kind of crappy and depressed, but then I started feeling really horny all the time. I would seriously get turned on just by touching my stomach and feeling a little bit of squish there. I’m not really into regular masturbation (I tried it once or twice and it just wasn’t my thing), but lying in bed and rubbing my stomach would make me feel sooooooo good. I’ve actually come close to having an orgasm a couple times just from rubbing my stomach and thinking about my body, and I’ve had some wet dreams about gaining lots of weight.

I’m starting to think I may have a stomach fetish. I read that there’s a thing called alvinolagnia where people get strongly attracted to the stomach area and I think I might have it. I also get really turned on by other women with big stomachs. I think it’s been going on for a long time because when I was 9 or 10, I used to draw tons of plump women in crop tops. I’m also attracted to skinny and average-sized girls, but my recent fantasies have either been about having sex with a very large woman or gaining a lot of weight and having sex with a skinny woman. I usually handle the first fantasy by looking at pictures of chubby girls in bikinis and lingerie, let my mind wander for 5 minutes, and get back to doing homework or whatever. But since the second one involves my own body, it’s harder for me to manage it.

I discussed this on this forum a few months ago and I was advised not to intentionally gain weight because it could mess up my physical health. I’ve been trying hard not to do it, and I’m not doing any crazy feeder fetish diets. However, I still do overeat sometimes when I’m feeling really horny, and I’ve gained another 12 pounds over the past few months. It’s been gradual, but I can tell my body is changing shape (I can’t squeeze into my jeans anymore) and I feel kind of guilty because I’m enjoying it so much. I was a size 0-2 before quarantine and I know I’m still skinny, but I know I have to rein this in because it could eventually get out of control and become a risk to my health. At this rate, I could easily be obese in 5 years if I don’t stop.

The thing is, it just happens sometimes before I can consciously stop it. I don’t just go on a rampage through the kitchen, eating everything in sight. Sometimes, I’m just sitting at the dinner table and I take an extra serving of dessert because I want to feel stuffed. Sometimes I’m lying in bed and I have the overwhelming urge to get some ice cream because I’m getting horny again. It’s just a little here and a little there, but I’m afraid it might turn into a bigger obsession if I can’t keep it in check. I’ve seen documentaries of people who went too far with their fat fetishes and ended up being like 600 pounds, and I’d like to avoid that.

It’s difficult for me to resist because it’s such a satisfying feeling. I really feel better than I’ve ever felt in my life. I feel sexy and happy, and I don’t want this to stop even though I know I don’t want to develop some kind of weird addiction. I just feel kind of overwhelmed and anxious about it, so I thought I’d ask for some advice. Thanks.

[EdSnow]

This is so hard… I've struggled with this since I was diagnosed, gaining, etc. I did a few months with a friend from DiabetesStrong and she helped me prep for workouts by treating with low glycemic carbs. It did help, and I changed to glucose tabs only for low blood sugars instead of other snacks. I’ve found that eating a sweet potato or something similar before workouts helps stabilize… at least it does for me.

It is a hard balance… but know that you are not alone. Sometimes it feels pointless to workout, and like everything is working against us, but we are doing it for our health, and even if we have to treat and gain more calories, it is worth it.

[belled]

This is so hard… I've struggled with this since I was diagnosed, gaining, etc. I did a few months with a friend from DiabetesStrong and she helped me prep for workouts by treating with low glycemic carbs. It did help, and I changed to glucose tabs only for low blood sugars instead of other snacks. I’ve found that eating a sweet potato or something similar before workouts helps stabilize… at least it does for me.

It is a hard balance… but know that you are not alone. Sometimes it feels pointless to workout, and like everything is working against us, but we are doing it for our health, and even if we have to treat and gain more calories, it is worth it.

That’s an interesting suggestion! TBH I just haven’t been exercising because I’m really lazy, and frankly I like how I feel right now. It sounds weird, but I honestly feel scared of working out because I don’t want to lose weight. For me, gaining weight this year really helped me feel beautiful and sexy for the first time. I used to have zero curves and I looked like a 12-year-old; now I feel like a hot, feminine woman with an adult body. I guess for me, losing weight is associated with losing that feeling of sexiness and femininity, so I don’t want to risk it.

Funny enough, I’m aware that I’m the only person getting turned on by the changes in my body. Other people don’t see me as some gorgeous goddess or something; they just think I put on a little weight. For me, this transformation has been something personal between me and my body. I’m not doing this because I want people to check me out. I’m doing it because it makes me feel good about myself. Gaining weight has made me feel more confident about my body, and I’m afraid of losing that amazing feeling if I stop.

[Heather]

Hey there, belled. Good to see you again.

I see two prongs to this conversation: 1) making sure that you're not engaging in thinking or behavior that endangers your health in some way, that isn't in some way disordered (and I don't mean because you think it's sexy to be fat -- there's nothing the matter with thinking or feeling fat is sexy!), and 2) working out how you can engage in things to basically take care of your body that feel like a fit for you being comfortable in your body.

I'm going to start with the second, because it's a bit easier, and it kind of takes care of a lot of the first, too.

You know, there are plenty of fat, fit people. I have a lot of them in my life and my world. Just for some examples, do you know about Jessamyn Stanley? What about Louise Green? Or Ragen Chastain? Or Bevin Branlandingham? Jessica Rihal? Meg Boggs? If not, it's going to be a fun day, I think, for you and your search function of choice. You can be active and still have a fat body.

Ultimately, you can exercise and still have the body that's right for your body to have, and this is where we get into that part where the answer to the second bit weaves into the first. Ultimately, the best way to live as healthfully as we can with our bodies is for us to not try and make them ANY size at all, but for us to try and let them be the size THEY want to be, just by living in them and taking care of them as best we can: feeding them, moving them, watering them, resting and relaxing them. And we need to do all of those things for them, not just some. Skipping all movement or doing too much movement, or eating too little or too much to try and *make* a body be a given size just isn't a healthy thing to do to ourselves physically or psychologically no matter WHAT size that size is. Get what I'm saying?

I do want to also interject with some of the things you're saying here. A 20-year-old, or 40-year-old woman who is thin and small and not curvy doesn't look like a 12 year old. Rather, she will look like someone exactly the age she is who is the size she is. Womanhood, femininity or age is not determined by what our bodies look like, and frameworks that have made that so in the past or do still are really oppressive and very painful for a lot of people (yourself obviously included!). I'd encourage you to do all you can to try and work to dump these ways of thinking rather than to lean into them, or to think that the correction is to change your body rather than these mindsets.

How does that all feel? What might you think about the idea of rejecting some of these oppressive ways of thinking, loving whatever body types you do, loving your body as you do now -- again, there's nothing wrong with having fat and being into it! -- but maybe also finding some ways to still take care of yourself in basic ways instead of setting something up where you're telling yourself you can't engage in really basic self-care without losing your body, your body that actually really needs that basic care. <3

[belled]

Hey there, belled. Good to see you again.

I see two prongs to this conversation: 1) making sure that you're not engaging in thinking or behavior that endangers your health in some way, that isn't in some way disordered (and I don't mean because you think it's sexy to be fat -- there's nothing the matter with thinking or feeling fat is sexy!), and 2) working out how you can engage in things to basically take care of your body that feel like a fit for you being comfortable in your body.

I'm going to start with the second, because it's a bit easier, and it kind of takes care of a lot of the first, too.

You know, there are plenty of fat, fit people. I have a lot of them in my life and my world. Just for some examples, do you know about Jessamyn Stanley? What about Louise Green? Or Ragen Chastain? Or Bevin Branlandingham? Jessica Rihal? Meg Boggs? If not, it's going to be a fun day, I think, for you and your search function of choice. You can be active and still have a fat body.

Ultimately, you can exercise and still have the body that's right for your body to have, and this is where we get into that part where the answer to the second bit weaves into the first. Ultimately, the best way to live as healthfully as we can with our bodies is for us to not try and make them ANY size at all, but for us to try and let them be the size THEY want to be, just by living in them and taking care of them as best we can: feeding them, moving them, watering them, resting and relaxing them. And we need to do all of those things for them, not just some. Skipping all movement or doing too much movement, or eating too little or too much to try and *make* a body be a given size just isn't a healthy thing to do to ourselves physically or psychologically no matter WHAT size that size is. Get what I'm saying?

I do want to also interject with some of the things you're saying here. A 20-year-old, or 40-year-old woman who is thin and small and not curvy doesn't look like a 12 year old. Rather, she will look like someone exactly the age she is who is the size she is. Womanhood, femininity or age is not determined by what our bodies look like, and frameworks that have made that so in the past or do still are really oppressive and very painful for a lot of people (yourself obviously included!). I'd encourage you to do all you can to try and work to dump these ways of thinking rather than to lean into them, or to think that the correction is to change your body rather than these mindsets.

How does that all feel? What might you think about the idea of rejecting some of these oppressive ways of thinking, loving whatever body types you do, loving your body as you do now -- again, there's nothing wrong with having fat and being into it! -- but maybe also finding some ways to still take care of yourself in basic ways instead of setting something up where you're telling yourself you can't engage in really basic self-care without losing your body, your body that actually really needs that basic care. <3

Hi Heather,
Thank you for your help! I actually didn’t know about the fitness gurus you mentioned, so I looked them up and I was quite surprised by what I found! All of those women seem really cool and I’d be happy to live a healthy life like that.

However, I’ve found that my body naturally starts to lose weight whenever I exercise lately, even if it’s just a few times a week. A couple years ago, it took forever just to lose a few pounds because I had very little fat. But now that I’ve filled out a little, my weight starts to instantly drop if I work out. My mom is naturally slim, so I think it might just run in the family. I’d like to just roll with the body that I’ve been given like you said, but I’m afraid I’d be back to skinny old me in a few months.

I get what you’re saying about how body shape and age aren’t actually connected, and I think you’re right. However, I always struggled with puberty because my body didn’t really change much. My hips spread out a bit, but I never felt like “Wow, now I’m a woman!”. People have always mistaken me for being younger than I am because I have a young-looking face, so I guess I was hoping that puberty would make me feel more mature. When I started gaining weight last year, I felt like I was finally growing into the adult body that I had pictured I would have. So I think my issue is tied up in that. I’d really like to grow out of this mentality, but I’m not quite sure how to do that.

I think the most intrusive part of it is the sexual aspect. I have a lot of weird kinks to be honest (I’ve never acted on any of them, but I have a lot of thoughts and dreams about them). I don’t really feel embarrassed or uncomfortable with them, but it’s frustrating because I think about them all the time. I have an obsessive personality, so it just gets stuck in my head and distracts me from important stuff like school and hobbies. For me, this weight gain thing is just one more of my kinks. However, I think it’s bothering me because it’s one of the only fantasies I can act on. For example, there’s no safe way I could have sex with six people at once, so that fantasy just stays in my head. But my weight is something that depends only on me. I guess I’m just obsessed with it because this is the first time that something has given me true sexual pleasure. After I started gaining weight, my fat fantasy started getting really out of control and now it’s basically all I can think about. It has even started to overtake the other fantasies that I used to have all the time.

That’s why I’m concerned that I might be developing a full-blown fat fetish. This doesn’t just feel like “being into bigger girls” or “loving my curves”. It’s so intensely connected with sex for me that all I can think about is sex, sex, and more sex. For example, I was eating dinner a couple days ago with my mom and I ate a little too much. My stomach got so full and round that I had to unbutton my pants, and I had to literally leave the table because I started getting so horny. I’m almost embarrassed to eat in front of people because I swear one of these times, I’m gonna start screaming at the dinner table.

Also, I don’t know how long I can keep this from my mom. I’ve been trying to squeeze into my old clothes for the past few months but I finally broke down and told her that I needed new pants because I gained a couple pounds. She isn’t too suspicious yet, but I know she’s going to say something if I keep putting on weight and don’t seem bothered by it. I’ve been blaming it on the pandemic because I don’t want her to know about the sexual aspect of it. We’ve talked openly about sex before and she knows that I’ve had some bizarre fantasies, but this feels different because it’s actually happening in real life and not just in my head.

I’ve tried relieving it with a bunch of different things, but none of it is working. Regular vaginal masturbation isn’t my thing. Porn actually makes me laugh because it looks and sounds so fake. I found some smutty fanfiction online and it sometimes takes the edge off, but it never lasts long. I used to look at pictures of hot women on Instagram, but now they look kind of boring compared to my own body. I can almost get up to an orgasm from rubbing my stomach and mentally fantasizing, but it always stops just short and then I’m stuck in this heightened state of desperately wanting sex for like an hour.

I’m scared because I don’t want this to become an unhealthy fetish. I’ve had unusual sex fantasies since I was 14 and I’m 18 now, but this is the first time when one has truly become intrusive. It’s been interfering with my sleep schedule, my relationship with my mom, and my schoolwork. So I’d really appreciate some tips on how to manage intrusive sexual fantasies. Thanks!

[Heather]

I appreciate you trusting me to share all of this, belled. I'm so sorry there's so much fear wrapped up in all of this for you in so many ways.

You know, to me, this is starting to sound like mental health professional territory in a few ways; like you'd be much better served by someone with that training and in that more private environment. Is that something you might be open to looking into, and that you might have access to?

[belled]

I appreciate you trusting me to share all of this, belled. I'm so sorry there's so much fear wrapped up in all of this for you in so many ways.

You know, to me, this is starting to sound like mental health professional territory in a few ways; like you'd be much better served by someone with that training and in that more private environment. Is that something you might be open to looking into, and that you might have access to?

Thanks, Heather. I’m actually quite open to getting a therapist in the future. I’m going to college in a few months and they have free counseling services there, so I think I might give it a try. Thank you for all of your help!

[Heather]

You're welcome! It just sounds like this is getting outside both our abilities here, but more, outside what this medium offers. I think that what you need here is probably going to be way better delivered in a more private setting at the very least, you know? Both when it comes to the matter of others reading per sensitivity to them, but also for you to be able to talk about this in the way you are and really feel safe and able to keep being so honest and transparent. Plus, with something that might well teeter on the edges of disordered eating, you really want to be careful, and ideally want to be talking with someone with training and skills in that arena, and I'm afraid that's just not something any of us here can offer.

I do think I can offer some in-the-meantime things, though, if that's something you'd like?

[belled]

You're welcome! It just sounds like this is getting outside both our abilities here, but more, outside what this medium offers. I think that what you need here is probably going to be way better delivered in a more private setting at the very least, you know? Both when it comes to the matter of others reading per sensitivity to them, but also for you to be able to talk about this in the way you are and really feel safe and able to keep being so honest and transparent. Plus, with something that might well teeter on the edges of disordered eating, you really want to be careful, and ideally want to be talking with someone with training and skills in that arena, and I'm afraid that's just not something any of us here can offer.

I do think I can offer some in-the-meantime things, though, if that's something you'd like?

Hey, no problem! I agree with you and I definitely would be open to trying some therapy soon. I think I’ve just slipped into some unhealthy habits and ways of thinking, and I’d like to get that straightened out.

In the meantime, I’ll still probably use this forum if I have any questions or concerns. You have been so helpful!

Right now, I think my biggest concern is just how frequently these fantasies are interrupting my everyday life. They’ve been impairing my ability to function sometimes because they’re very distracting and time-consuming. So I was wondering if you might have some tips for cooling off? Sometimes I just want to chill and read a book without daydreaming about sex, you know?

[Heather]

I get it. It's no doubt extra tricky in pandemic-times.

This kind of thing is one of those I think is really a matter of figuring out what does that for you. For some folks, masturbation takes care of them for a while, while for others that only makes them feel more focused. Something that gets a person in their body that isn't sexual -- like getting sweaty and full of feel-good-chemical like movement/exercise -- can work for one person, while it does bupkis for for another. Have you experimented with some things around this, and found anything that does or doesn't work for you so far? Any clues, al least?

[belled]

I get it. It's no doubt extra tricky in pandemic-times.

This kind of thing is one of those I think is really a matter of figuring out what does that for you. For some folks, masturbation takes care of them for a while, while for others that only makes them feel more focused. Something that gets a person in their body that isn't sexual -- like getting sweaty and full of feel-good-chemical like movement/exercise -- can work for one person, while it does bupkis for for another. Have you experimented with some things around this, and found anything that does or doesn't work for you so far? Any clues, al least?

Yeah, I’ve been trying to experiment with a few different things to cool off but I haven’t found something that totally works yet. My body barely responds to regular masturbation because I tend to get too tense and then it’s actually quite uncomfortable. I do enjoy touching other parts of my body, but it tends to just get me more worked up unless I do it for a very long time and eventually get bored. For me, strenuous physical activity actually tends to trigger my sex drive even more than usual, so I’m going to try something else.

As I said before, I sometimes read short, somewhat NSFW stories on fanfiction sites. If I’m having a fantasy, I can usually find a story about it, read for 15 minutes, and get back on track with my day. However, it usually only works for a couple hours, so it’s not a long-term fix.

Yesterday, I actually tried writing a short smut story and I was so surprised by how good it felt. I basically just wrote out one of my crazy fantasies in detail, and at the end, I felt less stressed and fairly satisfied. However, I’m not sure if this is actually helping me get better or accidentally feeding my obsessions, you know?

[Sam W]

Hi belled,

I wanted to chime in about your last point: sometimes, when we have thoughts or ideas that just keep circling our heads, writing them out can actually be really helpful (even when they're not distressing us and are more making it harder for us to focus on other things we want/need to be focusing on). Yes, sometimes the writing can become part of the obsession and we need to be mindful of when and how often we're engaging in it (and if we're neglecting other important things to do so), but right now it sounds like it's helping you manage those thoughts, so I'd encourage you to hold onto it as a method of addressing them.

[belled]

Hi belled,

I wanted to chime in about your last point: sometimes, when we have thoughts or ideas that just keep circling our heads, writing them out can actually be really helpful (even when they're not distressing us and are more making it harder for us to focus on other things we want/need to be focusing on). Yes, sometimes the writing can become part of the obsession and we need to be mindful of when and how often we're engaging in it (and if we're neglecting other important things to do so), but right now it sounds like it's helping you manage those thoughts, so I'd encourage you to hold onto it as a method of addressing them.

Okay, I really appreciate the advice! I do find that writing about it helps, so I will keep doing that. Thank you!

[Heather]

How's it going, belled?

[belled]

How's it going, belled?

Actually, things haven’t been too bad lately! Writing down my fantasies has helped get them out of my mind long enough for me to function throughout the day. I still had a couple fantasies in the past week and two wet dreams, but that’s a lot less than what I usually experience.

I also ended up accidentally distancing myself from some of the stuff that tends to turn me on. In the past year, I kind of got addicted to looking at Instagram pictures of pretty women (especially curvier ones that triggered my weight fantasies) and I’m pretty sure it caused me to think more about sex. I had some exams this week, so I forced myself to stay off my phone and study. I’m not sure if it’s a coincidence, but I found that I was aroused a bit less this week.

I didn’t do any crazy hormonal snacking either, and I haven’t gained any weight all week. I’m still thinking about my fantasies more than I’d like to, but this week has overall been pretty decent.

[Emily N]

Hi belled,

It’s great to hear that things have been going well for you!! It’s exciting that you have found writing as an outlet for your fantasies, it sounds like it allows you to be creative while also creating space for your fantasies in a way that feels comfortable.

I hope your exams went well! I also find that having something for me to focus on or work towards helps me direct my energies away from feeling anxious/bored/overwhelmed/etc (but it definitely wouldn’t be ideal to have exams all the time haha).

[belled]

Hi belled,

It’s great to hear that things have been going well for you!! It’s exciting that you have found writing as an outlet for your fantasies, it sounds like it allows you to be creative while also creating space for your fantasies in a way that feels comfortable.

I hope your exams went well! I also find that having something for me to focus on or work towards helps me direct my energies away from feeling anxious/bored/overwhelmed/etc (but it definitely wouldn’t be ideal to have exams all the time haha).

Thanks! I’m crossing my fingers that things will calm down a little. Writing has always been calming to me, even when I’m writing about something that usually stresses me out.

Yeah I think my exams went ok! (They were two AP tests, so I won’t get the results back until July, but I didn’t freak out too bad). Lol yeah I definitely wouldn’t want exams all the time, but I did find that it forced me to focus on something else.

Also, yesterday I had a sex fantasy that didn’t involve weight gain for the first time in several weeks. For some context: until recently, most of my crushes were not plus-size. Even though I feel like I’ve always had this subconscious fascination with weight gain (for example, I was really curious about how women’s bodies transform during pregnancy when I was 9 or 10), I didn’t start having sex fantasies involving weight gain until recently.

Several months ago, I came on the Scarleteen boards asking for help because I was obsessed with a celebrity crush. She’s a very petite, athletic woman, and until a few months ago, I literally thought she had the sexiest body on Earth (and a gorgeous face to go with it). Until the past six months or so, she’s pretty much been the only person I fantasize about on a regular basis. We’re the same height and a similar body shape, so I never felt the need to alter our bodies in my fantasies because I thought we would be really compatible. But about 4 months ago, my brain started getting weird on me. I had a fantasy where she was still skinny but I was huge. As the weight gain fantasies continued, I actually stopped having fantasies about her because I suddenly thought she looked way too skinny for my taste. My brain started to replace her with much bigger women, and for the past few months, all my fantasies have been about being extremely fat, having sex with an extremely fat woman, or a mixture of the two. It was like my celebrity crush just went away; I could look at pictures of her and feel absolutely nothing.

But yesterday, I had a sex dream about her again, and neither of our bodies were drastically altered in my head. In my dream, I actually thought she looked really hot, even though she isn’t big like the women in my other fantasies. For the first time in several months, I just had a typical sex fantasy that didn’t involve any weird fetishes. (In the past, I’ve had a variety of bizarre fantasies, but lately it’s just been weight-related). It felt really good and it made me think that maybe my brain is gradually going back to its usual pattern. I’m not sure yet, but I feel hopeful.