Uhhh I don't know what to call this

[jenny01]

Hi guys! So, I have this guy friend. Our families are really good friends. Lately I've been thinking about asking him something. We're both open with each other and we don't really have secrets. When we we were in middle school, we used to like each other. I've thinking about asking him if he'd want to finger me if I gave him a hand job. I don't know how horny he is but we usually talk dirty so I assume he's as horny as I am. If he said yes and we did it, what would happen after that? He's going to college in the fall and I'm staying where we live to go to college. What if we do it and we start to like each other? Not that we don't already like each other, but what if we start to sexually like each other? We're really good friends and we're both the crackheads of our families who would do this type of thing. It's just I really need this I think and I'm pretty sure he'd agree to it. Any advice?

[Emily N]

Hi jenny01!

First, I want to share this article, Reciprocity Reloaded, which discusses the way we can reframe “giving and receiving” during sex . Rather than framing engaging in sexual activities as a transactional proposal “I’ll give you A if you give me B”, how would you feel about framing it to your friend as exploring together? But, you can (and should) still be upfront about what activities you are comfortable with and which you are not.

If you are interested in engaging in sexual activities with him, it is probably best to have an honest conversation with him about it. That way you don’t have to guess about his interests!

It sounds like you are also being thoughtful about how this might affect your relationship when you ask “what would happen after that?” If he also wants to explore with you, it may also be helpful to talk about your boundaries and expectations before having sex. Asking things like - “What would you like to try together?” “What are your boundaries for sex?” “Are you open to expanding into a sexual or romantic relationship in the future, or would you like to set up emotional boundaries first?”

What do you think about these suggestions? Do you have other questions?

[jenny01]

I do want to be honest with him. But I really don't know how to bring it up bc we've never talked about it before. And I said I'd give him a hand job if he figured me bc I want us both to be feel pleasure like I just don't want to be like "please finger me" you know? Also, if we did this, how would we make sure our parents didn't find out? Our parents would literally kill us if they found out.

[Heather]

If that's the case -- if your parents would literally do either of you some sort of harm -- then the only sound answer is not to do this thing that is a choice to do and that you can easily not do. Part of making sound sexual choices is making choices that are healthy for us in all of the ways, including the social contexts in which they can happen.

You're very clear that this would be a reckless choice to make, so it should be pretty obvious that it wouldn't be a good one, don't you think?