Question

[ez.as.pie]

Hello. I've thought about this a lot and I really need answers. I'd really like an adult to answer this.

Trigger warning for rape and bdsm and things like that.

I've always been a sadist, since I was a kid. I'm a really empathetic person, though, and although I thought of myself as a bad person when I was a kid, I've grown confident in myself and my own morals.

But... there's another aspect to this that I haven't ever felt good about. I sometimes masturbate to the idea of rape. Not me raping someone, really, but just kinda... you know. And I know it's a power/sadism thing but it makes me feel horrible after.

I was never assaulted, so it's not that. And I don't want to rape anyone, because that's horrible and disgusting. But sometimes the power aspect and the pain aspect on the victim is like... arousing?

I have a lot of intrusive thoughts as well. I have intrusive thoughts of raping people. Which is totally different from anything else, because those are just terrible and I hate them and it's a mental health thing, but that paired with the fact that I am unto that kind of stuff freaks me out a lot.

Any advice? I feel like I'm not a danger to people, but when my intrusive thoughts are bad I am convinced I'm just damned to become a bad person. So... am I? Are there people like me, who hate rape but are aroused by the idea of people GETTING raped, that aren't bad people? AGH IDK THIS SOUNDS HORRIBLE SORRY

[Sam W]

Hi ez.as.pie,

There are a few things to touch on here, but the one I want to start with are those intrusive thoughts you mention. It sounds like they're something that happens to you often and that they're causing you a lot of stress. Have you ever spoken to anyone, like a mental healthcare provider, about them, or tried any tools to manage them? If so, how has that gone?

Something that may help to remember when dealing with intrusive thoughts, or even with fantasies that bring up complicated or shameful feelings for you, is that our actions often matter more than our thoughts. Our thoughts can distress us, but they can't actually hurt other people, and we're not doomed to be bad just because we think about certain things.

That brings me to your questions about fantasy; people fantasize about all kinds of things, including things that they'd never do, or view as abhorrent in the real world. That doesn't mean they're bad people; it means that desire and fantasy are messy, complex creatures. But, since it sounds like fantasizing about this during masturbation is stressing you out, do you feel like it'd be helpful for you to take a break from them for a bit?

[ez.as.pie]

Thanks for replying.

I am currently in therapy and taking meds for intrusive thoughts, among other things. They're getting better but they aren't quite gone yet.

I suppose it'd make sense to take a break from those fantasies. I'll try that, thank you.

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

Have you brought up this specific strain of intrusive thoughts with your therapist? If not, it may be worth bringing up in one of your next sessions.