I don't know what to do

[jenny01]

The only free online "therapy" I found was strangers that listen to you while you talk. That's not exactly therapy.

Freak out means take away my phone, get mad and disappointed, and not trust me anymore. Basically grounded even though I'm 19.

My older sister is a snitch and will tell my mom anything I tell her. My older brother tries to help me out but my mom doesn't trust his judgement bc he was a "rebel child" compared to my other siblings. And my older brother tries sometimes too, but he's too scared to try to talk to my mom about anything.

And my seizures do give them many excuses for not letting me do things. And it's so annoying. I like only have seizures at home. My mom cares for my safety which I appreciate, but I don't have seizures everyday anymore. It's so annoying when for example if I'm bending over to do something or just in a random position doing something my family assumes I'm having a seizure. It's like NO! I'm NOT! STOP ASSUMING THAT!!!! I get mad and sad and just downcast when they do that.

And I don't need help transitioning into an independent life, I just need the freedom to be able to like all of my other friends. If I had a job, I could earn and save money. Then once I had enough saved and kept working, I could move out with one of my friends or my sister. The only problem is a ride. Like I said, getting an Uber everyday would be expensive especially since I'd only have a part time job since I'm still in school. And I'd need a ride to a bus station or something.

Just seizures, and strict parents, and not having money from a job, and not being able to meet anyone sucks!

[Heather]

The only free online "therapy" I found was strangers that listen to you while you talk. That's not exactly therapy.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by this, or what's disqualifying for you here. Every therapist is a stranger until we meet them and start working with them, for one. But by all means, therapy available online isn't just about people listening while you talk (and chances are, that's not how any therapy online you'll engage in would go, because just about any therapy is more than someone just sitting there listening). That said, when I'm asking what you're open to, I'm also not asking just about what you might have found for yourself. We're pretty good at finding resources around here, especially someone like me, who's been doing this as part of my job for a couple decades now. So, I'm generally going to be better than your average bear at finding the kinds of resources I'm suggesting. At the same time, I also don't know what your expectations of therapy are, and I'm feeling a little like I'm still not sure you've answered my question. So, I'm going to try again: would you be open to looking into this?

So, if that's what "freak out" means, that's actually inappropriate behaviour for the parent of a legal adult, and something you could actually do something about by involving adult protective services if you want to actually change this situation. It's not appropriate for parents of an adult to do things like keep them from support services like therapy, to limit them from using public transit, or to keep them from social media. And from the sounds of things per your siblings' behaviour, your family has a longstanding pattern of being dysfunctional all around, if not emotionally abusive. Your older adult brother feeling scared of your mother isn't indicative of a healthy family.

And I don't need help transitioning into an independent life, I just need the freedom to be able to like all of my other friends.

I think that there's something you keep missing here. You live with deeply controlling parents who, to some degree, you're also allowing to "keep" you in some ways (financially, etc.). They clearly are not going to change. They've shown you that again and again. If you want things to change, it's you that's going to have to force some changes here, and that is going to mean transitioning to an independent life: that transitioning is what gets you that freedom. And transitioning *means* things like getting to a place where you can have a job, and the help you need to the steps to have that job.

If the barrier were only a ride, an independent way to manage that would be to talk to some friends or others who worked where you did about carpooling and pitching in on gas/car expenses to make that work, or moving somewhere where you *are* within walking distance of the bus or light rail. See what I mean?

[Heather]

By the way, I'm heading off for the day, but I want to leave you with this starter list of links for disability services in Minnesota: http://bridgetobenefits.org/Disability_Services2

I think that it would be worth your time to call a few of these and see what might be available to help intervene and help work with you and your family to get your family to do better when it comes to your disability -- to be less reactive and certainly less ableist, and also to stop using it as a vehicle for control -- and to also help connect you with helps and services that could benefit you. For example, you may well be eligible for an access van for transit (and also eligible for a whole host of other disability benefits, including an income) and not even know about it. There may be programs to get you to independent living sooner than you've imagined. There may be coaching available to you to also help you from getting in your own way so your life can start looking more like you really want it to.

[jenny01]

Ok there was this website, I don't remember what it was called, but basically random strangers clicked on buttons. One was for a listener and one was for a talker. So the website would pair together a listener and a talker. I am open to therapy, but with an actual therapist. One with a PhD. My older brother is seeing a therapist, an actual therapist. And the therapy has to be totally online, free, and through chat boxes bc otherwise my family would hear me talking. I am open to it, but there's a lot of barriers.

I love my parents. They do really nice things for me. Plus I'm adopted. And I wouldn't want to get them in trouble, especially since they support me financially and my meds cost like $1000. But I do want things to change.

I do live under my parents roof so they are in charge of me kinda. I would ask a friend but my mom doesn't want me to. I try my best to listen to them, bc they keep reminding me that my siblings are watching me and if I don't listen to them, then my siblings will follow my lead. And my siblings are brats already. They like never listen and it exhausts my parents, so I try my best to be a good daughter.

[Marisha]

Hi jenny01,

You may be able to find low/no cost licensed tele-therapists by searching online, but the exact situation you described - a free, licensed professional who offers text services - may be difficult to locate, if they exist at all. This is another situation where I would suggest talking to your parents about if it's something you'd like to pursue, because you'll have to go the paid/insurance-covered route for a pro.

I hope you're able to find some way to make this thing bend before it breaks, because the amount of wants and needs that you're having to negotiate on is sounding like a lot. And by the way, wanting to use Tinder, have a therapist, and get a ride to work are not things that make a 'bratty' kid, and are things that you should be able to access easily like every other 19 year old. The barriers in your way are not justified if you ask me.

In terms of finding somebody, this may be one of those things that you'll have to be patient and wait a little longer for. We've been going around in circles on ways to meet people and keep hitting the same wall, so I feel at this point that I can only wish you luck and hope that you strike gold on the plans you have to find someone for now while you work toward graduation.

[jenny01]

Thanks for trying to help you guys. It's just I get so frustrated at the situation sometimes. I don't feel like things are going to change anytime soon though.

I worked up the courage to ask my mom if I could have my phone in my room last night. She was in bed on her phone and facing her nightstand so her back was to me. I came upstairs to tell her goodnight. This is how it went:
Me: Good night
Mom: Good night
Me: Love you
Mom: Love you too
Me: So I wondering if I could have my phone in my room now?
Mom: No, I don't really want you to do that. It will just mess with your and your sister's sleep schedule.
Me: Not if I--
Mom: I don't want to have this conversation right now. Especially not when I'm in bed.
Me: Ok then
Then I left.
I'm going to try to ask again when my dad's around. But her reason was lame. How is it going to mess with my sleep schedule? It's not like I'm going to be on my phone at 1am. When my sister turns the light off in our room, we both go to sleep. I just want my phone so that I can talk to my friends when they actually respond, bc they're at work during the day. Just like I don't respond when I'm doing school. It's just so frustrating, bc my older siblings got their phones in their rooms when they were in college.

And I dm'd my guy friend bc his mom posted that he got mono. So we started talking. I always kinda liked him in high school. We always did stupid stuff together lol. So maybe we'll get closer. I think he's going to my school and will be in the same program as my best friend. He's from a big family like me and he's great with kids.

Anyways, thanks for trying to help.

[Sam W]

Hi jenny,

You're very welcome, and given the situation you're describing, being frustrated is a pretty dang reasonable response.

With your phone, and really with any of your possessions, what would happen if you just kept them the next time you had them? As Heather mentioned earlier in this thread, what your mom is doing is incredibly inappropriate behavior to engage in towards another adult, even if that adult is her kid.

Were you able to contact any of the other resources Marisha and Heather provided? Like Heather mentioned, some of them might have things that help you address some of your other frustrations, like the limitations on your travel.

[jenny01]

My mom would take it away from and hide it somewhere until she was ready to give it back. And it is inappropriate behavior but she won't change.

Ok, so when I first made this account, I didn't know how safe it was, so I lied and said I lived in Minnesota. I actually live in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I kinda forgot about it til just recently when Heather was talking about Minnesotan transportation. I now know Scarleteen is safe and very helpful. I'll go change my account info.

[Sam W]

Thank you for sharing your actual location, even if it's just the state or city, since that really helps us in terms of helping you find resources. To start, you might want to look at this site to see what your options are, or if they can help you connect to things like transportation so you're more able to move about on your own: https://drsdlaw.org/services/whatwedo/.

In all honesty, the situation with your parents (especially your mom) sounds untenable, especially if you ever want any degree of independence (including really basic things like, "you are the boss of your own electronics"). You've mentioned desires for both your dating life and your education/career that, frankly, I don't see coming to pass unless you're able to claim more autonomy. For instance, from what you've told us of your mom's behavior, I suspect she'd come up with reason after reason for why you can't go on a date, even if you met someone who you hit it off with (or already knew).

So, given all this, how would you like to proceed? Do you want to talk about how to build that independence in subtle ways, or work towards the goal of eventually being on your own? How to start more actively pushing back on or resisting your mom's methods of controlling you (assuming it's safe to do so)? Something else entirely?

[Heather]

Jenny - I also have a couple emails out to SD disability services asking for some specific resources for you. I’ll keep you in the loop if I hear back, and if I don’t, I’ll do some more looking/calling myself. I’m also happy to give you some places to call with questions to ask if you’d like to do that on your own behalf.

[jenny01]

So yesterday I asked my dad if I could have my phone in my room and this is how it went:
He asked me why? It's pretty obvious. So I could actually respond to my friends when they respond. They all have jobs during the day and I do school during the day. My dad asked me why I don't just bring my phone up at like 10. Two reasons: I am already in bed and they don't like when I come upstairs late at night. They get mad at me bc I make too much noise. There's a reason I take my pills at 8:30.

I told them that they need to treat me like an adult, like my older siblings. My dad was like an adult is someone who got an education and financially supports themselves with a job. The thing is they won't let me get a job bc they don't want to drive me. He also said he 4doesn't HAVE to do anything.

So it's not fair for him to tell me that.

My mom's reason that she didn't want my phone in room was bc she said "it'd mess with my sleep schedule". That's such a lame reason. Bc it wouldn't. It's not like I'm gonna be on my phone at 1am. I love sleeping and I know I need sleep so I don't have seizures. She thinks if someone texts me when I'm asleep I'm gonna respond. It's like I don't answer when I'm doing school, I'm not gonna respond when I'M SLEEPING!

My dad was like you're already on your phone all the time and I was like no I'm not! So he told me to show him my screen time and I was like oh you want to see my screen time? So I went downstairs to go get my phone(proving I'm not always on it) and I brought it up to show my dad my screen time was 1hr 22min. He told me that was a lie and it obviously isn't! I told him I do school all day long that I'm not on my phone! He got mad and told me to go downstairs. So I went downstairs and sent my parents a video of my screen time which ranged from 53 min to 2hr 30min. Now I'm not really talking to them.

I also texted my older siblings yesterday asking them for help. But none of them have responded.

I pushed back and now I'm just mad. They don't see me as an adult. And it's infuriating. My dad also tried to buy my forgiveness. He asked me if I wanted ice cream from the ice cream truck. And it's like no! I really don't know what to do. I just want them to treat me like they treat my older siblings. I have never been apart of the "older siblings" group even though I'm closer in age to them.

[Sam W]

That all sounds incredibly frustrating! It also seems to be demonstrating that both your parents are pretty committed to keeping you under very tight control, and setting conditions in which there is no way for you to win; your phone is a good example (when you proved to them you were doing the "right" thing by not using it to much, your dads response was to say you were lying), as is the catch-22 of "I'll treat you like an adult if you have a job/no you can't get a job."

I'm glad you reached out to your siblings for support. I hope they're able to give you some, especially the ones like your brother who have been able to put some distance between themselves and your parents.

Since you're finding out what happens when you push back, is that and boundary setting something you want to continue to do as long as it remains safe? Or would you rather focus your energy on goals and steps that help you move towards the future you want for yourself?

[jenny01]

Exactly! It's a catch-22. Whenever I tell them that it's not fair for them to do that, they say I don't care if it's not fair. And I was so pissed when my dad told me that it was a lie. It's like my phone is the proof!

I really hope they help me out. But they're really bad at responding. My mom complains how they never text or call her. It's like there's a reason. If my siblings don't respond in the group chat I made, I'll text my sister-in-law, because she said that if I ever needed help with anything to talk to her.

My parents would never physically hurt me. But I also don't want to have a bad relationship with them. Right now, I'm not going to be moving out anytime soon bc I don't have the money. Pushing back makes them really bad. But I want to be in control of my own life. They are very controlling and I have told my mom that before and she said she doesn't see it as controlling. She sees it as "keeping me safe".

[Sam W]

I honestly wonder if some of your siblings slow or non-response is due to not wanting to engage with your parents nonsense. I'd go ahead and contact your sister-in-law now; if she's offered her help in the past she might be more responsive, not to mention having as many people on your side as you can will be helpful.

I have many thoughts and rebuttals to the idea that massively controlling your kids keeps them safe, but from what you've told us about your family, I doubt this is a point they're going to bend on any time soon. So, it may be best to focus your energy on both ways to deal with them in the short term and ways to start building your ability to get where you want to be. We may have touched on this before, but do you have a way to look for or do remote work as a means of starting to save up a little money? Or is your family part of any community, like a church or even just a group of neighbors that a friendly with each other? I ask because sometimes those networks can be a way of picking up odd jobs which, while not always the most fun thing, can also get you some cash.

[jenny01]

My one brother responded and told me he didn't want to get involved. My sister and my sister-in-law haven't responded but my other brother, the one married to my sister-in-law, reached out and asked me what was wrong. And I cried the whole time texting him back. He knows how controlling my parents are since he was the last kid to go to college.

I plan on getting a at-home job after I get my diploma. But this summer was a great opportunity to get one, but my parents wanted me to take summer classes instead.

We just recently kinda switched churches and don't know a whole lot of people except our friends that we already knew. My mom doesn't like me going places by myself, so if I would get like a babysitting job, my mom would want to make sure my sister went to. Then I would have to split the earnings. I have literally never been somewhere without my sister. Like activity wise. And she is my best friend in the world but it gets super old.

[Heather]

Jenny, I think your sister-in-law and the brother she is married to sound like the right people to be talking with and asking for help. I'd be very honest with them, and not feel at all reticent to ask for what you need. If possible, I wonder if one thing they might be willing to do is arrange to come and get you and let you stay over with them every now and then for a couple of days? Even just that would probably do your stress levels wonders. Then you could also have some private time to talk with them and maybe some other resources to start reaching out for some other helps.

Per employment, I'm hoping I hear back from those disability services folks, but whether or not I do, this is where I'd suggest we dig. Disability organizations often do a lot of work with employment and helping people with disabilities find employment, and are very good at working with whatever one's limitations and needs are.

Lastly, I'm really sorry that your one brother said that. I've personally been in an (in my case) abusive family situation where I have asked for help from other family members and been denied, and I know how painful and isolating that can feel. I understand that that brother may have his own reasons for not wanting to help, including his own mental health when it comes to your parents, which is valid if so, but it also leaves you in the lurch and feeling some kind of way. I'm so glad your other brother has responded.

[jenny01]

I cried the whole time I was texting my brother about the situation. And my brother and his wife(my sis-in-law) live in Rochester, MN, so it's kinda impossible for me to just go spend the night with them. Hopefully they can talk to my parents. Also, my sister said she didn't want to get involved either. She said I wasn't an adult either and everything our parents are doing is because they love us.

And I don't really consider myself a disabilities person. I can do everything except drive only because of my epilepsy. I know that I am technically considered disabled but I just hate using that word to describe me.

[Marisha]

Hi jenny01,

I'm sorry to hear that this situation is affecting you so deeply Though I'd like to put out there that if going to visit your brother and sister-in-law is something that feels right, this can be an opportunity to test your comfort/ability to independently navigate public transport. A bus ride (like Greyhound or Megabus) is about 11 hours according to Google Maps and would cost you way less than a plane ticket or an Uber. What do you think?

I think I can understand why you would want to shy away from accepting your disability as part of your identity. You're currently in a restrictive home environment where your parents use your disability to justify limiting your life (despite the fact that, as you've described, your family are the ones who often trigger your seizures). You're stuck between a rock and a hard place - dependant on parents who keep you from living the life you'd like to live. However, I'd challenge you to think about this resistance to 'being a "disabilities person".' When we lean into certain aspects of our identities, it can allow us to find community with others who experience the same things and are trying to make the world better. When you push back on those identities, even just for yourself, it can feel like you're pushing back against those people. Does that make sense?

I saw you talking about a guy a few posts ago - the one who's in the same program as your friend? Have you two been talking? I wish you luck with him!

[jenny01]

I don't have the money to buy a bus ticket or the food to go visit them(bc I don't have a job) and my parents wouldn't let me anyway.

My best friend has epilepsy also. I like that she understands what it's like. But like none of my other friends understand, they always get a scared face whenever I have a seizure around them and then they treat me differently.

Yeah, we've been talking. Apparently, he's not going to college rn. He wanted to wait and save up some money first. He wants to be an electrician. He has mono rn so he's really bored so we've had a good convo streak going.

[Sam W]

Do you think your brother and sister-in-law would be willing to cover the cost of transportation to get you to them? If they know how things are at home, I could see them understanding that your ability to gather resources is pretty dang limited right now.

I'm glad you have a friend who understands what you're dealing with when it comes to epilepsy. With your other friends, have you ever talked with them about how it would be helpful for them to react if you have a seizure around them? I think both their alarm and your frustration are understandable, so maybe a frank conversation will help them know how to better support you.

[jenny01]

I forgot to tell you guys two things. First, my brother and my sister-in-law told me that they understand that I'm having trouble with our parents, but they're not going to talk to them. And second, I wrote a letter(which was really long) to my parents in the most respectful way that I could telling them about all of my feelings. My mom said that we'd talk about it this week. So, I don't know if that's good or bad.

I don't have that many seizures around them, so it's just kinda a surprise when I do. And some of my friends have asked me what they're supposed to do if I have a seizure when they're with me and I have told them. But my sister is always with me so she just takes care of it.

[Heather]

Hey, Jenny.

Gosh, I remember friends weirdness around my seizures so vividly. Like the whole thing doesn't (literally!) feel uncomfortable enough.

I don't know about the history of your siblings with your parents, but it sounds like your brother is perhaps estranged from them, and that maybe the not talking to them is about protecting himself, or knowing its likely to be ineffectual (or both)? You can fill me in if you want, but certainly don't have to.

I do wonder, though, if they might be open to seeing if they can't work out some time to have you down to Rochester to visit with them -- maybe they could help arrange it so they could come drive you down, or get you a train or bus ticket? Even just being able to go be somewhere else for a week or so seems like it could be really great for you, all the more if you could talk honestly with two people who it sounds like may understand a lot about what you're dealing with.

I don't know what to think about your Mom's reaction, either, and I'm sorry that you have to sit on it not knowing. But it's a big deal that you advocated for yourself like that, writing that letter! You've been taking a lot of steps for yourself over the last few weeks, and I know it might not feel like that much since things are the same right now at your home, but I hope you're giving yourself credit for them. I think they're a pretty big deal.

[jenny01]

Thanks. Hopefully my letter will help.

And my brother knows how strict my parents are, but he said even if he talked to them they wouldn't change their mind. My parents always tried to control my older siblings, but when they moved out they couldn't any more. My parents don't like some of the things my siblings do, and they try change them but they can't.

And my brother both work and go to school, so they can't really take time to drive 7 hrs to come get me and bring me to their house.

[jenny01]

I talked to my parents last night about my letter. There was no yelling from either of us. They still don't my phone in my room. They're concerned about my health. But I may be closer to getting more social media. I explained to them that none of my friends text. They only use social media. I asked them if we could come back to it and they said possibly. I'm going to ask them again when we go to our lake cabin next weekend. They also said they didn't want me to get kidnapped. I said I never leave the house, it's impossible for me to get kidnapped. They are very concerned about my safety.

[Heather]

It might be worth talking to your brother and sister in law about a visit and letting them tell you if that's not doable for them? They might also be able to brainstorm with you about options like the train. I know that it can suck to ask and get a no, but sometimes we just have to keep putting what we want out there in order to get closer to getting it, you know?

I hear that your parents are expressing to you that they are concerned about your health and safety. It sounds to me like this is much more about control, that is instead being couched in those terms, personally. I don't say that to suggest that that means you can do anything about it directly in this moment, but I think it's important to at least not just swallow it when people who are being controlling with us try and rationalize it as other things. It's actually quite bad for your health in a bunch of ways for you to be so isolated, and to be kept from transitioning to greater independence. And right now, your parents are honestly kind of keeping you pretty darn close to kidnapped, so that's...well, that's quite a projection on their part.

I'm glad that you are advocating for yourself, and glad there at least wasn't yelling. I hope that you can get some of what you want here.

By the way, since it sounded like you weren't open to looking into things that disability services might have offered you because of conflicts with that framework, what about seeing what your online college might offer, at least? Some programs offer free counseling, for instance, or employment help, including for remote jobs.