Masterbation & Sexual abuse

[_rasberry_]

I have been thinking about masterbating again but I seem to fail every time. My first time trying I was maybe 12 and I was toying with my clit and managed to squirt but it wasn't pleasurable. And even now whenever I touch myself or any vaginal stimulation with my fingers it feels the same as me touching my arm. I've even tried using a vibrator and it wasn't pleasurable.(i'm fully aroused when trying) I was maybe 6 or 8 when I was molested by two older cousins. I've learned that sexual abuse can effect my body's view on sex but my abuse doesn't really impact me since I was so young. I'm 15 now and I plan on waiting for the right person before sex (who knows how long that'll be ) and I don't wanna be frustrated forever. Not to mention the only time I have orgasms is from wet dreams and even then it's not pleasurable if that makes sense. I'm kinda stuck and I don't know what's wrong.

[Elise]

Hi there _rasberry_, I'm so sorry that you experienced sexual abuse in your past, that is something that you shouldn't have had to go throuhg. I hear you saying that it "doesn't impact you" because of the age you were, but have you spoken to a therapist about this? I say this as, whilst it might not be effecting your day to day life or intrude on you conscious thoughts, it may be effecting you emotionally and how you might be triggered to feel (or shut off feeling) when experiencing this kind of stimulation, when it has been something that was harmful in your past, and a therapist would be best equipped to help you look at that.

We're of course also here to talk to you about this as you'd like to, if you can share with us how what your healing journey has been so far, we'll be able to understand where you're at and how we can best help.

[_rasberry_]

I haven't been introduced to therapy although I want to, my parents are weird. My parents don't know what happened to me and I'm not ready to tell them. My mom isn't the best person to talk to and my dad can only do so much. They found out about me being suicidal and shrugged it off as my hormones. I've been struggling with depression (undiagnosed) since 6th grade and ever since my whole personality changed. My parents think it isn't possible for a child to feel anything but happiness since they don't pay bills. My mom really doesn't listen to me and I'm not comfortable sharing with my dad. Since then I've been doing better mentally and gotten better tremendously. There's a lot my parents don't know and the reason being is because I don't trust them.

[Sofi]

This is definitely a tough situation and I'm sorry you've had to deal with those feelings, I want to first validate how you feel and make sure you know you have this space to vent and talk about it. I'm glad you've been doing better lately, though. I don't want you to feel pressured to orgasm or enjoy masturbation - although I know you WANT to, of course - but know it can be a process for many people and it takes some trial and error in the form of exploring and getting to know your body and different things it likes (or dislikes).
I definitely agree with Elise, therapy is a good resource for you to work through this with a professional. Since your parents are weird about your depression, perhaps you can tell them you would like to go to therapy to cope with something else that you know they'll be more understanding of (you don't have to flat out lie, you can just not mention the depression and trauma part, and phrase is differently if that makes sense).

[_rasberry_]

Thank you Elise & Sofi for you're advice and time. I really appreciate the both of you. Like you both said I will try my best to talk to my parents about therapy. Hopefully in the future I will feel more comfortable talking to them about what happened.

[Sofi]

You're welcome! Wishing you the best of luck, you got this.