Fear of sperm.

[Rose flower]

Hi! I'm new to this and this is my first time posting. Recently I've been having this terrible fear of touching sperm but I'm not in a relationship and not sexual active. I'm scared that I'll touch something that has sperm on it and then touching myself I've gotten to a point where I'm scared to even masterbait. I know this fear is crazy and could never happen but I just can't convince myself that I'm safe.

[Sam W]

Hi Rose flower,

That sounds like a frustrating fear to deal with. Do you have any sense of what beliefs or ideas are underneath that fear? And have you ever had this kind of hard to shake fear about something before?

[Rose flower]

I never had this fear before. I used to be so relaxed and I barley though of sperm or sex or really anything sexual
. But if I were to try and pin it on anything is my fear of pregnancy, not bring properly taught what and how pregnancy could happen. I asked the older women in my life and they gave me very good answers. But I just can't seem to shake the thought and fear if me getting pregnant I know it's not possible but I can't convince myself that sitting on a toilet won't make me pregnant or simply living with men can't make me pregnant

[Sam W]

Have you gone through any big life changes recently or things that are causing you a lot of stress in general?

In case you need them, these articles may help fill in remaining gaps in the information you got about pregnancy:
Human Reproduction: A Seafarer's Guide
Who's Afraid of Sperm Cells?
You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You think You Are? (this one touches on where underlying fears of things like sperm might be coming from).

[Rose flower]

Well I did start talking to a guy that I've been crushing on and he has feelings for me but the thing is he's the first guy I ever fell in love with I've only dated girls before so I never had to worry about sperm. But the thing is the guy I'm talking to live across the country from me so even if we started dating it would be online dating. I really like this guy he's the first guy I ever liked so I guess the thought of being with him a actually biological male scared me a lil to go to Google (I know now that was a very dumb idea) to try and get some more information on sex and how pregnancy happens but I only got horror story's of how women got pregnant from sitting on a toilet or the "next virgin Mary" all of these sent me into a spiral of fear. I know my fears are irrational but I can't convince my brain to believe me.

[Marisha]

Hi Rose flower,

It's kind of difficult for me to help you address this kind of anxiety because I have the unbroken habit, I think, of approaching these kinds of situations by trying to offer logical solutions. I could offer you the fact that you've lived your entire life so far without becoming miraculously pregnant despite sharing the world with people who produce sperm; I could also suggest that you read the articles Sam linked above which explain that sperm require very specific conditions to survive the journey to your reproductive system and that you can't become pregnant by touching sperm or sitting on a toilet seat because it will have likely died before you come in contact with it. But would those ideas help? As you said, your anxiety continues to affect you this deeply despite the fact that you're a non-sexually active person dating a boy that you've never come into contact with. I think maybe If I'm able to help at all, we have to start by peeling back these layers which are causing the anxiety.

1) I suggest that you stop pursuing things that trigger your anxiety. No more scary internet articles about "virgin Mary pregnancies." Those articles likely don't have reliable sources anyway, if they're sourced at all. Don't feed the demons.

2) If sex with your partner is something you want to do in the future, I wonder if you have any questions about contraceptives and how to introduce those into your relationship? Do you know how to prevent pregnancy, or have a plan for what to do if you fear that pregnancy may occur? I still think you should read those resources Sam gave you, and I'll throw in our resources about contraceptives as well.
Birth Control Bingo
The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control With a Second Method

3) I want to possibly discuss the idea of feeling/being in control of your body, because I sense there's some underlying assumption in your anxiety that you have no control over whether you become pregnant or not. Do you feel in control of your body?

[Rose flower]

I've stopped looking at the articles since I Kno it's never helped me. But being in control of my body was something I felt I never had control of. When I was little a female neighbor molested me I thought it was a game and she was my friend so I never did anything about it but knowing everything now it makes me feel sick. I let people pressure me into alot of things I get scared that if I say no they'll leave me. But I Kno this boy is different I told him I was asexual and he completely accepted me. My fear has gotten a little better I'm not always thinking about it or refusing to use the toilet after a guy. Thank you for talking to me I don't feel alone anymore.

[Marisha]

I'm glad we could help!! And I'm very sorry to hear that you've suffered with these things I hope talking about it here wasn't too painful or triggering for you. It's amazing to hear that you feel safer and happier with your current partner and that your anxiety has ebbed a bit. Always know that you have a choice about how much of your body you wish to share with others and that anyone who violates your wishes is completely in the wrong, not you. If a person decides to leave because you say no, I hope you find that your life is better without them.

[Rose flower]

I just have some left over questions about everything. 1) can you get pregnant from touching an item that had sperm on it then touching myself? 2) does water and soap really kill sperm?

[Marisha]

1) If the thing you're touching is a penis or a sex toy that was recently used by someone without being cleaned, then yes, there is a low risk of pregnancy if you touch yourself directly afterward. If the thing being touched is some random object where contact with sperm is unconfirmed or unlikely, like a toilet seat, or it has been cleaned, then no, there is no risk. The activity that poses the highest risk of pregnancy is when semen comes into direct contact with your vulva. Sperm needs very specific conditions to survive outside of the body (can't be too hot or cold, and needs to retain moisture. If the semen dries out, the sperm are likely dead) which is why it's unlikely that you could become pregnant from something like a public toilet seat. That being said, there are many different options for contraceptives that can keep you from becoming pregnant and give you peace of mind. More on activities that pose a pregnancy risk here: Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?

[Rose flower]

This really helped me but I got one more question just for clarity. By direct contact with semen and the vulva do you mean sexual direct contact or any contact? I'm sorry if this question is hard to understand

[Marisha]

I don't know what you mean by 'any contact,' but as you can see in the article, the highest risk activities are all sexual - vaginal sex, frottage/tribbing, and fluid sharing.

[Rose flower]

Okay I completely understand now thank you so much for answering my questions I really do feel at ease.