Complicated

[Hel]

Hi,

So my friend and I used to date for 10 months. We broke up at the end of the school year and agreed to stay friends. We haven’t texted much but that’s okay - I needed space.

It was mutual and I’m over him now. But he just texted in our group chat about that he was just rejected by someone else. I didn’t know he was already looking for other people.

I AM looking for other people to date, but seeing that he’s over me made me have a weird feeling.

I haven’t responded to the text, and… I want to be his friend. What would a friend do? But what should I do?

My family is skeptical and thinks being friends with him will be too complicated but I don’t think so. I just hope he wants to be friends with me.

I don’t owe him anything but I am stuck because I don’t have feelings for him but want him to have feelings for me? Is that weird and selfish? It makes me feel weird. Especially because he was rejected.

I feel like a bad friend and a psycho ex girlfriend. I just want to be friends, honest to god. But it hurts to know he is definitely not attracted to me anymore.

Is our friendship doomed? I really just want to be friends. He has always been there for me and saved my life but I don’t know if he realizes how important his friendship is to me.

Any advice? I don’t know what to do, I just wish I had some crush or something to be distracted by but I’m single and I hate it. I am jealous because he has people to ask out but I am only with my family right now.

[Sam W]

Hi Hel,

Breakups can leave us with all sorts of odd feelings, so what you're describing isn't that unusual. And you're certainly not the first person to have the, "no I don't want you any more but I want YOU to want ME" feeling; it can be nice to know we're desired, sometimes even if it's by someone we don't desire back, you know?

With your friends text, I don't think your feelings about it indicate your friendship is doomed. Too, how you act on those feelings, is going to play the bigger role. If you feel most comfortable not engaging at all right now that's okay; he sent it to the group, so hopefully other friends are also offering him support. If you'd feel better engaging, you could say something short and genuine like "sorry, that sucks." Or, depending on where the group chat is happening and the communication norms of the group, you could even rely on emojis for the time being (that may sound silly, but I know it's something I and my friends use when we want to say something but aren't sure what the right words are). Do any of those options sound doable to you?

[Hel]

Yeah, now that I’ve had some time to process my feelings, I’ve realized that, like you said, it’s about me wanting to be desired and more jealous that he has people to flirt with over the summer and I don’t.

But I’ve also realized (and I’m proud to say it) that I am happy for him and I want the best. I want to be friends and I hope it will work.

Thanks for helping me clarify my thoughts.

[Sam W]

You're welcome! Sometimes just having that space and time to process really can make it easier to sort through tricky feelings.