Masturbating as a pre-op trans woman

[Rubix]

Hello there,
My name is Rubix and I am experiencing an difficult struggle. For context, I am a pre-op (haven't had srs) trans woman. I am 20 years old currently. On April 5th of this year I came out as trans to my family. I had already been seeing a gender therapist in private for the past year. On May 3rd of this year I official got a prescription for HRT.

Now that I am on HRT my relationship with my has changed a lot. I've been shaving my beard off every other day and I've been feeling a lot of dysphoria around my deep tenor voice. Another major area of dysphoria is focused on my genitals. I really really hate having a penis. I strongly wish I had a vulva and clit.

In the past few months I've been trying to explore my body and get to orgasm. A few of my lady friends that I know from school have been talking openly about masturbation and orgasms, and I've joined in, because I'm curious about this topic. Talking to these girls and seeing how cute and sexy they look has made me really horny. However, it's super hard for me to enjoy masturbation because I hate my body and I hate that I have a penis.

I remember that I've tried to touch my penis when I was younger, but it just felt weird and strange.

Is there anyway I can learn to feel pleasure with the body I have? I'd love to have an orgasm, but I know that setting orgasm as the goal makes it a lot harder to actually achieve orgasm. So, I'd just like to learn how to feel sexual pleasure of any kind, and put off having an orgasm for late, once I learn to feel pleasure in my body. The main issue is that seeing my erect penis strongly triggers my dysphoria and turns me off and makes me feel super horrible. Also, being on HRT makes it harder for me to get erect in the first place. I'm not even sure if it's possible to masturbate with a soft penis.

Thanks,
Rubix

[Elise]

Hi Rubix, and welcome to Scarleteen.

I am really sorry to hear that you are experiencing quite a bit of dysphoria, and having difficulty experiencing pleasure from your body. It is something many trans people can struggle with, so you are not alone, however that doesn't change that it is a difficult thing to deal with, so we are here to support and listen to you here.

Whilst I don't (I wish I did!) have an exact solution for you right at this moment, I hope that some of our community members who have have faced a similar challenge might have some insights and ideas to share, and perhaps some of the other volunteers and staff who will come online later will too. Also, is this something that you would be able to and comfortable with discussing with your gender therapist?

Perhaps, you could start exploring your body and the non-sexual sensations you enjoy, which could be fun and relaxing? Maybe there are kinds of massage that you like more than others, you might like using an acupressure mat to relax, or do you like a hot bath or a refreshing shower more? Are there particular kinds of fabrics you like to wear because of the way they feel? These could be really gentle things to explore, and then you know some more things that bring you comfort and enjoyment generally too.

On a separate but related note, is tucking something you have thought about or would like to try to assist with your dysphoria? We have some information about how to do this safely here if you'd like to find out some more: Trans Summer School: Gender Expression Gear, and this page has a great information on how to use special underwear for this purpose called a 'gaff': Gaffs 101: Tucking Safely and Comfortably - Point of Pride.

[Rubix]

Thank you so much Elise for the wonderful advice. I really do like taking hot baths and just relaxing in that way. Also, because I'm feeling really stressed recently, I've asked my to give me a massage later today. While things like that feel great, they don't bring me sexual pleasure and these activities do nothing to relieve the sexual tension I have. But yes, focusing on the non-sexual sensations that feel pleasant and relaxing is really a good way to start connecting with my body.

You mentioned that I could bring this up with my gender therapist. I actually have a meeting scheduled with her in a few days, on this upcoming Friday. Would it be weird to tell her that I want to learn how to feel sexual pleasure from my body, via masturbation, but that I find dysphoria to be huge roadblock in that endeavor? Like, will she be able to help me find safe and dysphoria free ways to explore masturbation?

Thanks,
Rubix

[Sam W]

Hi Rubix,

I'm so glad you'll be able to see your therapist soon! It wouldn't be weird at all to bring this up with her (even if it was, therapists are pretty used to hearing odd things from clients); navigating the interaction of dysphoria and sexual pleasure is something lots of trans folks deal with, so if she's someone who works with trans clients this may not even be the first time someone's brought this issue to her. Hopefully, that means she has some experience helping people find resources or approaches to navigate that space.

I also want to point you towards the Trans/Sex column. This article is specifically about masturbation for trans women, but the series also includes things like sex toy recommendations and other pleasure aids for when dysphoria is a potential player in your sexual experience: https://www.dailydot.com/irl/trans-sex-masturbation/

[Rubix]

Sam,
Thanks for the help with this. I'm certainly going to ask my therapist for help with this. Also, I've looked through that Daily Dot column and it has plenty of great advice. I'll try putting that into practice next time I feel horny.
From,
Rubix

[Rubix]

So, earlier today, I had a period of intense horniness. So, armed with the info from Sam's helpful link, I decided to try masturbating. The experience had mixed results.

I knew that looking at my girldick would trigger my dysphoria, so I kept my knickers on today. I started rubbing my girldick, over my knickers, and quickly found out two important things:
1: the head is super sensitive and touching it is a bit painful.
2: rubbing the frenulum feels so so pleasurable.
Is it normal that touching the head, even over my underwear, is a bit painful?

I spent about 2 hours playing with girldick, and didn't get a full on erection. My girldick did get a tiny bit hard though. I also didn't orgasm, but I did manage to relieve a bit of sexual tension. Am I broken? Will I ever be able to orgasm?

I also don't do the normal "grip the penis in a fist and stroke up and down" thing as that feels way too masculine for me. Is that method of stimulation required for orgasm?

[Sam W]

Hi Rubix,

Good on you for experimenting!

Since the head of a girldick is generally sensitive, some people do find that touching it ends up more painful than pleasurable (people can have similar experiences with the clitoris for the same reason). That sensitivity can also vary from day to day, so some days it may feel nice but on others it might be uncomfortable.

Nothing you've described suggests you're broken or that you won't ever be able to reach orgasm; it just sounds like there may need to be more experimenting. Too, depending on what things you're able to do to alleviate dysphoria as you move through life, you may also find this gets easier the less dysphoria you're dealing with overall.

Stroking isn't required for orgasm, and in your case it might actually impede it sense it feels too masculine for you. What about something like grinding on a pillow while in underwear? That could generate a lot of stimulation and might be a way around some dysphoria triggers.

[Rubix]

Sam,
Thank you so much for the support. It's good to know that I'm not broken. However, it is a bit frustrating to know that there's no magic set of steps that will always lead to orgasm. I don't know what an orgasm feels like and I really really want to know.

Now, I've read online that many people with vulvas enjoy humping pillows. I'd love to try that out myself, because it feels like a very feminine way to masturbate, and that appeals to me way more than stroking the shaft. If possible I'd like to keep my underwear on, since seeing my girldick triggers my dysphoria. How can I do this safely without injuring myself? If it matters at all, I'm circumcised.

Also, I saw my gender therapist today and she suggested getting a vibrator to stimulate myself. She said it might be easier to relax and enjoy the feelings if I wasn't directly touching my girldick. I totally agree with my gender therapist on this idea. I'd like to get a vibrator of my own. Since I'm living with my mother and my three older sisters, I'm not sure how to get a vibrator and keep it hidden. I think it would be pretty awkward to ask my mum for a vibrator of my own. I'm also worried that the other women in my house will be able to hear strange sounds coming from my room and know that I'm masturbating. Do you have any advice on this subject?

Thanks,
Rubix

[Elise]

Hi there Rubix,

I'm glad to hear that Sam's advice and talking to your gender therapist have already been helpful to you . Also, I hear you that it can be frustrating when you want to try something that you have heard is pleasurable so much, but that it might take a while to get there. However, this is a really normal for lots of folks, and it is important to have patience with yourself. As you've probably read, your most important sex organ is your brain, and putting yourself under stress or pressure to achieve an orgasm will work against you in that sense. Also, it is worth noting It may take some time experimenting with different sensations and what you enjoy about them before any of them may bring you to orgasm, if that makes sense? Whilst this may sound a bit tiresome, as orgasm is a short part of solo or partnered sex, so trying to see what you enjoy and going with the flow of it is a great mind frame to try and maintain in this self-exploration.

In terms of humping pillows safely, as long as you listen to your body and change things up position or intensity wise or take a break if you're feeling discomfort, this can be a great gentle way to explore masturbating. In terms of wearing underwear, this also is a great idea and many people prefer this indirect stimulation through fabric. You may find that wearing underwear is that is well fitting or snug might help to avoid any unwanted friction caused by any loose fabric bunching up, so feel free to experiment with that and the various styles you own.

With regards to trying a vibrator and having privacy whilst doing so, there are some things that you can do to assist with that too:

• When it comes to buying your own, do you have your own debit card or paypal or similar since you are over 18? Many stores that specialise in sex toys offer unbranded and discrete packaging as default for their customers, and you can usually find this information in their 'shipping' or 'FAQ' pages.
• If you are concerned about the privacy of your mail, even if its contents and the sender are unmarked, and/or are not in a position to buy a vibrator yourself, or you'd like to experiment with vibrations before investing in a specific toy, we have a guide to safely making your own using household objects here: D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition
• In terms of privacy of storage, do you have your own room? This will make it easier, but in any case, think of a place to keep it where your Mum or siblings don't go into, like a clothes drawer or other place you store items that only you access. Many vibrators these days are very discrete sizes and shapes, and usually come with a nice pouch you can keep it in too.
• In terms of sound, you also have some options here: you can try using it when others in the household are out, playing music in your room, using it in the bathroom with the shower on (whilst wearing some bikini bottoms). Also, you can combine the pillow with the vibrator, by putting the vibrator inside the case and/or under it. Doing this will not only disperse the vibrations across the pillow (turning it into a vibrating pillow), it will also dampen the sound of the motor. We have some more tips on managing privacy whilst masturbating in this article: How can I masturbate without my parents knowing?
• Finally, if you're in a financial position to buy a vibrator, you can also find models that have been designed to be quiet, and can read reviews to get an idea of how "quiet" this is. Here is a link to a couple that you might like as some examples to get you started. These two are designed for external use, are a good style for those starting out due to their versatility and that they have variable intensity settings and aren't super intense like a "wand" kind can be. They are small enough for discrete storage, so a potentially good first form factor to consider when you're looking around:
  • Romp Wave Mint
  • Starsi

This is a lot of information at once, so please feel free to read and consider this in all your own time. It may be good to try these things slowly, rather than get everything all at once, as you may need to give yourself time and patience to try different things a few times, and take breaks from trying everything out along the way, rather than quickly trying all the things in a hope that one is going to immediately work, if that makes sense?

As with other aspects of sexuality, there is no "one size fits all" solution. If some or any of these next ideas you try don't bring pleasure, comfort or both to you, don't worry, do other things that bring you those things instead and you can always come back to this another day, or week, or later. There is a reason why there are many kinds of ways to masturbate, and we may or may not respond to different things in different ways throughout our lives. I hope this helps and look forward to hearing your thoughts!

[Rubix]

Elise,
Thank you so much for giving me this advice. I do actually have my own PayPal account and my own debit card. Since you said most online sex shops have discrete packaging, I've gone ahead and purchased the Romp Wave Mint vibrator for myself. I stated in the extra delivery options text box that I live with my mum and my sisters and don't want them to know what I'm buying. Hopefully they honor my wishes.

Now, it's good that you say I'll just have keep experimenting. I do find masturbation to be pleasurable even if I don't orgasm. However, having to touch my girldick directly, even if it's over my panties, makes the whole thing less pleasurable. I'm sure that pillow humping and/or vibrator usage will be better.

Since this is going to be my first vibrator, I have some questions about how to safely use it. Can I use my vibrator without taking my panties off? Or will that prevent me from feeling the pleasurable vibrations? And how do I use the vibrator? Do I just turn it on to the highest setting and press it against my frenulum? Or do you think that will lead to over-stimulation and slight pain?

I imagine it might be to give specific advice to me, because I'm a trans woman with a girldick, but I really appreciate you trying to help me. It means a lot to me that there are people out there that support helping trans folks experience sexual pleasure in safe ways. When I brought this up with my gender therapist, she just said "Rubix, you are a brave woman because you are asking for help with such an intimate issue. Here are some ideas I have to help you feel sexual pleasure without dysphoria." It fills me with hope having such wonderful people in my life. I really love Scarleteen for providing direct and to the point advice.

Thanks,
Rubix

[Marisha]

Hi Rubix,

If you ordered your toy from the link above you should be fine privacy-wise. Their FAQ states that they use plain brown packaging to conceal what's inside.

Since we're talking about experimenting with new sensations in this thread, I wonder if you've considered trying p-spot pleasure? Since you're getting a vibrator, you might enjoy the sensation of those vibrations on your perineum (also known as the "taint") or even on/around the anus, which has lots of nerve endings. Also nipples! That might be fun to explore with the vibe.

Your sensitivity down there isn't just a thing specific to you, but even so, it's no trouble for us to address your needs. It's beautiful to hear that you have such a supportive therapist, and I'm honored to hear that you find us helpful!

Since you say that just the touch of your hands is too much direct stimulation, you may want to start out by testing the sensations through a layer of cloth on the lowest setting. Ultimately, how you use the vibe will be specific to you; a vibrator is a little stimulation machine that you could put on any part of your body. And the Romp Wave Mint has a kind of cup-like shape that might be good for laying on or just holding over your girldick (it's about 5.5 inches long, so a fair amount of coverage for a medium-sized amount of space). And it's waterproof, so you can bring it in the bath!

[Rubix]

Thanks so much Marisha,

Yes, I did order directly from the link Elise gave me. It's good to know the packaging won't reveal I've just ordered a vibrator. I do like that the website is so straightforward in that regard.

Now, I've heard of the p-spot before, but thought it could only be stimulated by putting fingers or a butt plug or something in my butt. Due to ongoing medical issues, butt play via anal penetration isn't something I can do. But perineum stimulation sounds like a wonderful thing to try. And, perineum stimulation is one of the things I'm allowed to do! Is there a way to try p-spot stimulation without putting things in my butt? Is that what perineum stimulation is?

Also, I don't find all direct stimulation too sensitive and painful. It's just that rubbing the head of my girldick directly is a bit painful. Direct rubbing (no underwear at all) of the frenulum feels excellent. I just prefer to do it over my panties so I can avoid seeing my girldick and avoid getting dysphoria that way. For me, a lot of the dysphoria comes from the visual of seeing a penis between my legs.

Now, about nipple stimulation. Is that actually pleasurable? I've tried rubbing my nipples while masturbating in the past, and it didn't feel pleasurable. It wasn't painful either. It was just like running my hands over my arms or something similar. Because I didn't get much enjoyment out of it, I haven't added nipple stimulation to my masturbation sessions in quite a while. Is it possible that I wasn't turned on enough when I tried nipple stimulation in the past? Would using the Romp Wave Mint on my nipples be more pleasurable? I'm on HRT and have just gotten small breast buds last week, so that might mean my nipples are more sensitive now.

From,
Rubix

[Marisha]

The perineum is the stretch of skin between the genitals and the anus. Your prostate should be positioned in the area behind that wall. You may be able to experience pleasure by applying some pressure there - rubbing, grinding, pressing (with fingers, the toy), etc.

Here at Scarleteen, we preach the idea that pleasure begins between the ears, not between the legs. Being aroused/"turned on" when engaging in any kind of pleasurable activity is likely to make the sensations more enjoyable or even heightened. I'm also aware that people experience changes in sexual response while on hormones, so you may experience new sensations now that your body is changing. This isn't a promise that it will be life-changing - again, every body is different (personally, I find that my nipples are sensitive in a bad way), and you may just not be into the feeling regardless of physical changes. These are just ideas that I'm tossing out there to help you brainstorm pleasure possibilities. Another possibility: we always like to recommend lube, and I would also like to impart that advice upon you. Rubbing at dry skin is likely to feel less pleasurable than when you lessen the friction with some lube. I see that you're in a US city, so I'd recommend cruising your local CVS or Target for some, or you can even order some here on Scarleteen!

[Rubix]

Marisha,

Is there any way I can hurt myself by apply too much pressure to my perineum? That's the main thing I'm worried about. Also, about lube, can I use it while still wearing my underwear? For reasons mentioned before, I don't feel comfortable removing my underwear during masturbation. As per your advice, I did head to Target today and I purchased a bottle of Astroglide lube. The lady who was ringing up my purchase said to me "Have fun dear!" and then winked at me. Was that an inappropriate thing for her to do? Should I report her?

Sorry for such a jumbled up message here. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to ask here.

From,
Rubix

[Marisha]

No worries!

Unless you have a high pain tolerance or nerve damage (pardon me if I'm treading on private medical history) your body will tell you when something is 'too much' because it will hurt! Again, starting slow and gradually testing sensations is best to figure out what works for you. I imagine applying too much pressure to that area could cause bruising if you're prone to that, break skin/scratch at sensitive parts if you're not careful with your nails, that sort of thing. No serious (as in requires a doctor) injury. You should be able to just reach into your underwear or soak the liquid through the cloth if you don't mind the mess. If your Astroglide is water-based it should come right out in the wash.

I think I would also be uncomfortable if a stranger made a comment on my more intimate purchases - one time I made the decision to buy a sex toy from CVS and the cashier was like "what is this" and looked in the box. She didn't say anything but I was like 0.0
That being said, you might have that same kind of cheery (and maybe overly familiar) interaction with the cashier if you bought the product at a sex shop. Cashiers are people and people react! I wouldn't blame you for calling in a complaint if it's your preference to maintain a professional boundary between you and the people that ring you up. I can't tell you whether that cashier had inappropriate intentions, but I think your feelings about the encounter matter.

[Rubix]

Marisha,

I've never used lube in my masturbation sessions before, so I have a few questions. The Astroglide lube I bought is water-based. Does that mean it would be safe to use even when I have my panties on? And is it possible to use too much lube? I don't want to injure myself.

Also, my vibrator, the Romp Wave Mint, is scheduled to get here on Monday (I paid extra for fast shipping, because I can't wait to pleasure myself). Due to a combination of HRT and dysphoria, getting an erection takes about 45 minutes to an hour for me. Is it possible to use my vibrator while my girldick is soft? Like, can I still stimulate my sensitive frenulum while soft? Can I even orgasm while soft? All the porn videos I've seen and all the online columns I've read have led me to believe I need to be hard to orgasm. Since the feeling of being hard is really uncomfortable for me, due to dysphoria, I really hope being hard isn't a prerequisite to orgasm.

Also, I did report that Target cashier for acting the way she did. It felt like sexual harassment and it really bothered me. I don't really don't need strangers telling me to have fun masturbating.

From,
Rubix

[Urna]

Hi Rubix! I hope it's alright that I respond to these questions you addressed to Marisha, because she isn't on shift right now.

Lube of any kind is safe to use with panties on. And since Astroglide is water-based, laundering the lube-soaked panties will be easy as well. There is no such thing as too much lube, and no amount of lubricant can cause injuries.

It is absolutely possible to use your vibrator when soft, yes. And one can orgasm while soft--being hard is by no means a prerequisite. A tip: p-spot stimulation through the perineum often adds a kick to soft orgasms.

I'm glad that you honoured your discomfort and reported the cashier!

[Rubix]

Urna,

Yes, it's totally fine that you answered my questions. In fact, I'd love to see if anyone else has other ways I can try stimulating myself. I'm still very new to masturbation and I need guidance on figuring out what will and won't hurt me. And I need guidance on knowing what will and won't feel pleasurable. Am I weird for being 20 years old and not knowing what an orgasm feels like? All my friends talk about it like it's the best thing in the world. I want nothing more than to be able to experience orgasm for myself.

[Sofi]

You're not weird for that at all! How great orgasms are is subjective, also. For some people it's the best thing in the world, for others they're not a big deal at all, and everything in between. I'm glad you're on the way to experiencing it, though, and deciding for yourself! Wish you the best of luck <3

[Rubix]

Folks,

I have some good news to share and also some questions too. My Romp Wave Mint arrived this morning. Seeing its sleek look and feeling its sensual vibrations turned me on quite a bit. I got out my lube, put it on my girldick, and turned on my new vibrator. I had it on my frenulum, because stimulating the head was too painful. I kept the vibrator on the lowest setting and I kept my silk panties on. Anything else would have ruined the moment.

It took me about 2 and a half hours but I think I had an orgasm for the first time in my life. The pleasure was just slowly building for a long time. At the end of the session, the pleasure was so darn good. Eventually, all my muscles clenched up and I felt very very good. My girldick was twitching for a while and the pleasure was running all through my body. Afterwards, I felt a bit sleepy. These were such wonderful feelings.

I feel like this was an orgasm, but I'm really really not sure. I didn't ejaculate at all, and I was completely soft. Was this an orgasm or not? I think HRT might be making it harder for me to ejaculate. Is that a known side-effect? Also, is it normal to be sleepy afterwards? Also, is there any way I can learn to get to this ending faster?

[Sam W]

Hi Rubix,

Hooray for a masturbation experiment with a pleasurable ending! What you're describing certainly sounds like an orgasm; while orgasms often involve ejaculation, they can also happen without it, which may very well be what happened for you. That kind of experience is listed as one possible mode of orgasm for people on HRT. And yep, the sleepiness is very common, both because of the bursts of hormones that tend to accompany orgasm and sexual activity, and because there's often some exertion involved, even during masturbation.

With reaching this ending faster, you may find that turning up the vibrations on the toy is the quickest way to do that, since in theory that ups the intensity of the stimulation, which could bring about an orgasm more rapidly. You could also experiment with the underwear you're wearing to see if it's material, especially the thinness or thickness, seems to make a difference.

[Rubix]

So, it turns out that wearing silk panties, which are really thin, feels so much better than wearing underwear with thicker underwear. Also, turning up the speed on my vibrator works wonders too. Now, when I'm sufficiently aroused, I can orgasm in like 5-10 minutes. Is this a normal length of time to spend masturbating, or am unusual in this respect? Also, I find it weird that I need to wear thin panties while I masturbate. Is it weird that I like doing this, to prevent myself from seeing my girldick?

From,
Rubix

[Sam W]

Hi Rubix,

What you're describing sounds like a pretty standard amount of time to masturbate. Honestly, how long masturbation lasts really varies from person to person, and often for a given person throughout their life. Things like what kind of stimulation you're using, your energy level, even stuff like whether you have time to relax or are trying to get it done before a roommate gets home, all that can influence how long it takes.

As for the underwear, it doesn't strike me as strange to wear it, especially since it's helping you manage elements of dysphoria. Plenty of people wear underwear when they masturbate, whether that's because it adds a sensory element they enjoy or helps with practical concerns. Too, even if it were strange, it sounds like it's really working for you, which makes it a positive things overall.

[Rubix]

Sorry for posting here again after a few weeks have gone by, but I have some questions.

Last night I was rubbing my perineum and it started out feeling really good, but then all of a sudden it got super painful. It felt like there was this intense stinging sensation between my legs whenever I pressed on my perineum. Is that something I should be concerned about, or will it go away after a while?

[Sam W]

Hi Rubix,

So, the perineum is home to the pudendal nerve, which means it can generate a lot of sensation when stimulated. However, that also means that it can become too sensitive when stimulated; similar to how someone may find touching the clitoris goes from pleasurable to painful because of how sensitive that body part is.

In all likelihood, the discomfort will go away after awhile. But if you notice it's not going away, even though you're leaving the perineum alone, or it gets noticeably worse, then you'll want to check in with a healthcare provider to see if there's something going on that needs to be addressed.