So there's a guy...

[jenny01]

They said they might not have enough money to pay for my and my sister's school in the spring. That's why they wanted the $300.

Um I did kinda. I was like when I move out I'm gonna have my phone in my room. And my dad was like Great! I was like if you don't let me do it now, how am I supposed to know what to do when I move out? My dad was like you'll figure it out. I told them they didn't trust me and my dad said it wasn't about trust. It clearly is.

I'm going to start an Etsy shop so I'll make some money that way. I'm trying to set up a PayPal account, but I need to go to the bank so that they can help me with my bank's app.

[Sam W]

Setting up a PayPal is a great step! Do you have a plan for how to get the bank account set up so it's something only you can access?

[jenny01]

I need my dad to take me to the bank

[Heather]

Making my way here, Jenny, just hit a minor snag with finding all the stuff I need!

[jenny01]

Ok just lmk when ur ready!

[Heather]

Here!

[jenny01]

So that guy told me he wanted to have sex with me. We sexted thru IG so our pics disappeared. I don't know how to feel. My best friend told me not to date him rn bc she talked to his dad. Like I still care about him, I'm really confused rn. Idk what to feel. Any advice?

[Sam W]

Hi Jenny,

I think it might be more helpful in this moment to focus on how you actually feel, rather than on how you or other people think you "should" feel. Was the experience fun for you? Is it something you were excited to do? Or has it left you feeling kind of stressed or disappointed? Or something else entirely?

Too, have you had a chance to check out those adoptee and YWCA resources Heather talked with you about?

[jenny01]

Um I don't really know. He asked me if I wanted to keep doing it and I said we should stop for rn. I do wish I would've had sex with him tho, I regret not doing it. Like he's the only guy I've talked to in a long time. But I know there are a lot of other guys out there, so I don't want to start a relationship with him. He's just really gotten into my head.

and no.

[Sam W]

It's okay if experimenting with sex stuff leaves you feeling a little unsure; while we hope everyone has positive sexual experiences, the truth is sometimes they result in different feelings than they thought we would.

You mention you regret not having sex with him; can you say a little more about that? And when you say he's gotten into your head, what does that involve for you?

How about today you plan on at least making an account or taking a look at the site for older adoptees that Heather found for you? That could be a low stakes way of dipping your toe into that community.

[jenny01]

Well I had a perfect opportunity to have sex with him, but I didn't. I highly doubt another opportunity will come around for me to do it. I don't know if I like him or not but I know I like talking to him. He was also very sweet about everything. He wasn't pushy at all. I feel like he would've been a good guy to have sex with especially since it would've been my first time.

When I say he's gotten into my head, I mean I can't stop thinking about the things he's said. He was really nice, but my friend told me that she talked to his dad and he told her some stuff about him. My friend doesn't think I should date him rn at least. And based on that stuff, I don't want to date him rn, but I can't stop thinking about him. He's thought about me. He wants to have sex with me. He fantasizes about me when he masturbates. How could that not be in my head?

and ok I'll look at it.

[Sam W]

So, it's totally okay to be interested in a sexual relationship with someone but not sure if you want to pursue a romantic one or date them. And it does make a lot of sense that knowing someone thinks about and desires you would take up brain space! Knowing someone we like feels that way about us can be a pretty cool feeling.

Are the things your friend said she learned from his dad things that were already concerning you about dating this guy? For instance, do they have to do with the free time issues you were telling us about before?

How did checking out the site go?

[jenny01]

I had just learned these things when my friend told me. Well that but also my friend said that his dad said that he's not being smart with all the money he's making and he's really too immature rn to be in a relationship. I'm trying to figure out if I just want to sex with him and not a relationship. I really want have sex with him, but I also hoped my first would be with a boyfriend.

and it was fine.

[Heather]

Hey, Jenny.

It seems to be that for someone who's in no way set up to have access to the basic things you need for sex with partners to be safe and sound for you -- access to sexual healthcare, to safer sex items (if I recall right you're on Depo for something non-reproductive already), access to people outside your home on your own terms -- and someone who's never even dated other people before, or had, to my knowledge, other sexual or physically affectionate experience, sex so fast with someone like this sounds like a likely poor choice for you anyway. All the more so if it doesn't even fit with what you actually want (like a boyfriend-type relationship for this). And even more so if someone is telling you someone is bad news in some way. You discounting that person's advice all by itself suggests to me this would have been way too much before you were ready, you know?

Things like this tend to go about as well as someone throwing someone into a pool to learn to swim who doesn't even know how to dog paddle, or putting someone who has never even been behind the wheel before into the driver's seat on a highway. It's just literally 0 to 60. There's no one right way to start a sexual relationship or to start having them, but there are some ways where things going all wrong are more likely, and this sounds like it was one of those.

I think if you want to start considering having sexual encounters with folks it'd be a good idea to at least start by making sure some of your basic needs can get met and by figuring out what you most even want from something like this, and being sure any given opportunity can meet those conditions. <3

[jenny01]

I do have the sexual healthcare for it, which is why I'm contemplating it. He has condoms and lube and I'm on birth control already. I really do want to have sex with him, bc I know he won't do anything I'm not comfortable with. And my friends just think he's annoying. But that was also high school him tho.

And ik that I've never done anything like this before. That's why I think I should do it with him since he knows that I haven't done anything before. Idk it's all just really confusing. My guy friend told me not to do it bc he said sex is bad for my soul.

[Heather]

Hey there. Jenny.

When I talk about access to sexual healthcare, I'm talking about access to transportation for regular STI testing, and also your OWN access to lube and condoms, not a reliance on a partner for having them. My understanding was that you have severe limitations when it comes to things like this?

Can I ask why you and this guy are talking about sex (I'm assuming you mean things like oral sex or genital intercourse) before talking about doing the things people -- especially people brand new to all of this -- tend to do BEFORE they start planning to have sex together? For instance, why not first see how it feels to just be close together physically, and do lower-risk things like touching hands and kissing, gradually being more and more naked, if it even gets that far (and over way more than just one date) to see what kind of chemistry you might have and how whatever is there feels for you? After all, if that kind of stuff doesn't feel good with someone, then sex usually won't be something that feels good, either.

I also hear you talking about what he will or won't do, rather than about this as something where you both will do things actively and have choices. Sex with a partner shouldn't be about them doing to you, after all, it's about what things we do (or don't) together, you know? Again, this might be easier to get a sense of if instead of looking to the super-advanced thing to do, you started with more initial steps.

Not having had ANY experience of any kind with anyone before often means that you will be coming to this without experience with things like sexual communication, practice setting and holding limits and boundaries under pressure (even if someone doesn't put it there, these can feel like very high-stakes situations), practice using things like lube and condoms, and seeing what it feels like to be even a little sexual with someone then go back to living in the environment you do where you're so unsupported and will likely be keeping this secret.

Do you know what I mean? TLDR: Why not do this more gradually?

[jenny01]

We're talking about sex bc he knows I want to have it(not with anyone specific just in general). He then told me he wanted to have sex with me.

The thing is it'd be a casual thing since my parents don't like him and neither does my sister. I'd have to sneak out. I had the perfect opportunity to the other day, but I didn't and I kinda regret it. And since I'd have to sneak out, it'd prolly be a one time thing.

And I do know what u mean, but since u know how my parents are and the fact that they don't like him, they're not just gonna let me go hangout with him. I told my sister that we sexted and she's really mad about it. So I can't tell her I'm hanging out with him, bc she'd tell my parents.

[Sofi]

Hi Jenny. Here is my opinion from personal experience and from being in this line of work...the first time you have sex--and truthfully all times thereafter, but mostly the first time--WILL have a meaning to you and will link you emotionally to that person, no matter how hard you try to make it *just about sex*, you are sharing your body with someone else. I'm not doubting that he's a good or bad guy, and I trust you when you say he respects you. But as Heather said, sex isn't one-sided. And it might be smart to listen to other people about this, too.

I also just want to advice against sneaking around behind your parents' backs to do this. It's a HUGE risk and could make things harder for you in the long run if you get caught and they begin to be even more controlling and trust you less. Be patient, get to know him more, don't rush into this even though you feel ready.

Please take all this into consideration and remember we are on your side, but that doesn't always mean we will blindly support everything you want to do, but rather that we have your best interest in mind and want what's ultimately best for you. And a night of sex with this guy in exchange for any possible negative outcomes is just not worth it.

[jenny01]

Here's just an update:
I haven't had sex with my friend yet.
And my parents let me get snapchat even tho they are VERY against it.

[Sam W]

Hi Jenny,

I'm glad you're able to access another platform of connection! How have things been going more generally when it comes to taking more independence for yourself?

How are you feeling about this relationship with your friend so far? I agree with Heather and Sofi that taking things incredibly gradually is the way to go, given all the restrictions you have in terms of accessing things you need (like sexual healthcare) and the ways your parents any perceived, minor violation of trust as a way to control you more?

[jenny01]

um well i've been going out with my other friend more lately. I just kinda tell my parents I'm going to go hang out with her and they're just kinda like ok. They haven't said I need to be back by a certain time or anything.

And well since I got sc I remembered how cute he is. I'm gonna tell him we should just make out first.

[Sofi]

Oh, good! I'm glad you are having a little bit of freedom from them. And that sounds like a good idea, start there and see how you feel with that first.

[jenny01]

I also have a problem. I really don't know my feelings about this guy, like I do but I don't. He's fun and cute and I love talking with him and I do want to make out with him, but I don't want to date him. There's another guy who I would want to date tho, but idk how he feels about me.

[Sofi]

Have you tried to talk to him about it, maybe letting him know you're interested? If not, how do you think he'd react? It might be good to have a conversation with him and see how he feels.

[jenny01]

We've been friends for a long time and we tell each other everything. He told me not to have sex with my other friend and he told me that although a lot of girls have asked him to have sex, he hasn't. I'm snapping with rn and I don't want to come on too strong. We're talking about school rn.