How do I become interested in girls again?

[wolfcub]

I'm a 22 year old male who never had any dating experience, and tried desperately to get that to change. For the past year, I was bitter about not being able to find any girls that I was really interested in despite being confirmed by others to have reasonable standards. I was frustrated by the fact that I wouldn't get a single person to actually talk to me on dating sites, despite only wanting to connect. Even though I groom, wash my clothes, ask about the person and have done every conceivable thing right despite my autism, I just couldn't get one person to talk to me.

It brought me into kind of a bad place where I was just bitter about dating in general, hated seeing anyone having any form of success in it, and whittled down my ability to feel any affection at all

I'm ultimately struggling to find any form of hope for my dating life, because it feels like the most basic forms of human interaction and standards for dating are the most unreasonable things in existence. But a part of me still can't give it up. Even now, I just paid $100 for a dating profile photographer. I'm tired, and no amount of "breaks" from "dating" seem to help anymore. And yes, I'm currently "working on myself." Been doing that for a while. But it doesn't matter if I can't find someone I'm actually interested in anymore. And I still have to come back to it at some point because it's not like I can wait for someone to just fall out of the sky. And it will just come back to the exact same problem, no progress made, and the whole cycle will start all over again

Just what do I do?

[Sam W]

Hi wolfcub,

I hear you on being frustrated with the feeling that you're doing everything "right" and still not seeing the results you want. The tricky thing with dating is that there's an element of luck involved; you and a person you're interested in (who's also interested in you) need to be looking at the same time and in roughly the same place. That can feel demoralizing on the surface, but I mention it because sometimes acknowledging the role of luck or chance in dating can help us be less hard on ourselves or others when it's not going how we hoped.

When you say this is whittling down your ability to feel affection, do you mean only when it comes to romance or potential partners? Or are you noticing the same struggles with feeling affection for friends, family, or even pets if you have them? And when you think about that lack of interest, what things does it feel like the potential partners you've run across are lacking, or what places do they not seem to match what you're looking for?

Too, can you give me a sense of what working on yourself looks like for you (so we're not accidentally recommending things you're already doing)?

[wolfcub]

When I say it's whittled down my ability to feel affection, it's only in respect to romance and potential partners. I still enjoy the company of friends, family, and animals

As for working on myself, I've been doing good so far on things like grades, though this isn't really a new thing for me (Well, except for this one class but everyone's struggling there. The professor's a bit of a prick). I've been doing what I can to manage my workload and anxiety levels. I'm reaching out and making friends wherever I can. I exercise and do jogs regularly. I recently bought a new set of clothes that contrasts slightly from my usual style of T shirts and jeans, though not too much (just an orange flannel shirt). But mostly I've just been doing things to take care of myself and improve my mindset

Really all I want is someone cute, funny, interesting, and enjoys video games and/or anime, like me. Maybe a little bit affectionate too, I don't know. But it ultimately feels like there are so few girls who are actually like that out there, because they mostly just live in the shadows. I've gone to several events involving geek culture and they're just nowhere to be found

[Sam W]

That detail is all super helpful, thank you!

I will say that, as someone who's been in geeky subcultures most of her life, the kind of girl you're describing is definitely out there and pretty dang plentiful. The tricky thing is, some of them keep their interests pretty low key because they're used to being made fun of for them, and others have had bad experiences in geeky spaces (stuff like gatekeeping and unwanted flirting) and thus steer clear of them. So, part of what you might have to do is keep looking for geeky spaces and events that attract a wider field of people. You mention you've gone to friends for advice on all this; can you give me a sense of whether those friends skew towards a specific gender?

Too, you may start to notice geeky events and meet-ups filling out more in the coming months; the pandemic really did a number on a lot of people's social lives, and some people are still pretty wary of meeting in groups or going to things like cons. So a big part of this may just involve being patient as people recalibrate their social lives.

[wolfcub]

To be honest, my friends aren't really of much help. I'm still kind of working on making friends too. I have one friend I met freshman year but they live off campus now, and they say they haven't tried dating in a long time. My sophomore year was kind of taken from me due to Covid. I only have two "friends" that I just met this year. One is just as much of a virgin as I am, and the other does have a boyfriend and I could probably ask (she seems nice enough), but I just haven't figured out how or when to approach her about it

You said go to geeky events that attract a wider group of people. What do you mean by that? I know Cons are an option but they only occur once every year, and I don't have a car nor am I able to drive, so it's not like I have a very wide area. I've been to several clubs on campus and other places off campus. Anime club, tabletop gaming club, I even branched off into a community service club. I've hung at tabletop and card game stores, and the manga section at Barnes and Noble (which no one comes to consistently, making it almost impossible to get them comfortable enough for phone number exchanges). They all just have very few girls that are really attractive enough for me to be interested in. And in the community service club, I just had difficulty trying to find anyone that I could talk about geeky stuff with or bring up the subject. They all haven't been reliable strategies at all

I have no idea where you're saying I should go. Please give me a list of all the possible places

[Sam W]

It's great that you're still managing to make friends even with the pandemic hamstringing things! With your friend who's had some success dating, I think a direct ask of, "hey, I'm trying to put myself out there, any advice" could open up the conversation with her to see if she has any helpful input.

It sounds like you've been trying out a lot of different spaces for meeting people, which is a really positive step both in terms of dating and in terms of building a social network. You've actually gone to the majority of places I'd suggest, and I encourage you to keep doing that. When you're in the tabletop stores, do you tend to participate in any activities that are going on (for example, the game store in my town has nights for various games--like D&D--along with trivia nights)? Or are you mainly browsing?

Something that might help in the long run is to think about whether it's important to you that girlfriend be into the exact same kinds of geeky stuff as you, or whether it's more important that she be geeky in some more general ways; passionate about a particular series or kind of story, prone to getting SUPER into whatever media they're currently enjoying, likes to go on deep dives into particular subjects, things like that.

The reason I bring this up is that it's easy to make "geeky" about hyper-specific media or hobbies, but sometimes that can actually exclude people we'd be into from our dating pool. For instance, there may be someone out there who isn't into manga in the same way you are but IS really into golden age superhero comics and wants to talk about them and also talk about how superheroes and manga each handle the topic of heroic arcs. Sometimes looking to learn about other people's specific interests within a geeky space is a really good way to get to know them and form a connection that can, in some cases, lead to a date.

[wolfcub]

"You've actually gone to the majority of places I'd suggest, and I encourage you to keep doing that"

That doesn't make me feel all that better, to be honest. These places have not been a good place for meeting girls at all. I get that I need to be patient, but if it's taking me several years to find potential dates, then I must be doing something wrong. Maybe I need to branch out into other areas. Dogs, drawing, acting, or things like that. I was pursuing geeky girls because I thought that they would be the easiest to talk to. I've tried talking to non-geeks before just in general, with very little success so I thought I'd be more comfortable around my own kind. And I am, but it's clear that these places are not a hotspot for girls that I find attractive, so maybe I'm better off elsewhere

[Mo]

If you have those other interests, then I think looking into activities or social groups focused around them could be worth a try. There's really no surefire way to meet people you're likely to share a mutual attraction with, so beyond putting yourself out there, as you have been doing, there isn't much we can recommend. I get that it's frustrating not to have a clear plan for exactly what you need to do to have success finding people you want to date and making a connection with them. So much of it is up to chance and personal chemistry, though, and those aren't things you can plan for.

[wolfcub]

So I'm doing everything right, and these are just the best I'm going to get. Great

I guess you can see why I'm not interested in girls anymore. Because I feel like they don't want me back, so what's the point?

[Sam W]

It might help to think of it less as "this is the best of what I'm going to get" and more "I'm on the right track, which means the odds of meeting someone are actually pretty good." It can be tempting, when we're frustrated, to assume that we'll remain stuck in whatever state we're currently in. But what actually happens is, as we continue going places and practicing hobbies and all those things, are people are doing that too, in ways that mean your path and theirs may cross.

It can also help to remember that "girls" as a category is so broad that it's basically useless in terms of telling you what your dating life will be like. You haven't met a girl you have a mutual interest in yet, but that doesn't mean no girl will ever be interested in you. Like Mo said above, chance and chemistry play a significant role in dating. That means sometimes there just isn't anyone in your orbit who's interested in you.