How do I stop being so shallow?

[wolfcub]

Look, I don't know how the hell to explain this gently so I'm just going to put it all out there

I've spent a long time trying to find someone that I was attracted to or find ways to locate someone that I would be attracted to. But I've been to several geek related events for games and anime, and the only girls that really ever come there are ones that didn't have a lot in the physical attraction apartment. Mostly hair dyed, hot topic wearing people

It's not that physical features were the only factor for me as I still value connection but I think I'm starting to realize that maybe I'm too shallow. People kept saying that being sexually attracted to someone was slightly less important but kind of essential to a relationship, but most of the girls that I've met through geek related things just didn't do it for me. In looks or personality.

How do I begin to lower my standards and find these people attractive? How do I learn to just settle? Because it looks like finding an attractive girl with the same interests as I have is an impossibility

[Heather]

Hey there, wolfcub.

I don't think that wanting to feel an aesthetic and/or physical attraction to someone is shallow. I also don't think that whatever that is for you -- like anyone -- is probably within your control to a large degree. By and large, it's understood that a lot of what and whom we find ourselves attracted to are things formed in early childhood. They can, and often do, grow and shift throughout our lifetime, but you're still more closer to your childhood than you are the rest of your life, you know?

So, first of all, I'd cut yourself a break here. I can't imagine that being rough on yourself the way this sounds to me is going to be helpful. As well, I also wouldn't advise "settling" when it comes to dating or relationships. That's not good for anyone, most of all a person who has been settled FOR, you know? You don't want to do that to someone, make them a person you have "settled" for. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be that person yourself.

That all said, do recognize that this is all very subjective. These girls that you don't find attractive don't objectively not "have a lot in the physical attraction department." They don't when it comes to what YOU find attractive, so far. Everyone's attractions are different, so I'm sure that there are other people who feel differently about them. This is the place where you might want to rethink the way you're thinking and where, yeah, the way you are might well be classified as shallow -- you're effectively deciding that people are or aren't attractive on the whole based on what YOU find attractive or what is conventionally attractive. That's not...the greatest. But let's leave that there, because these are also mostly just thoughts, save your expression of them here, and your thoughts can't hurt anyone.

One thing I am wondering, before I dig in any more, is if you are only thinking about pursuing anything dating-wise with anyone if they FIRST ring your bells when it comes to physical/aesthetic attraction? In other words, is that your starting place, where you're looking first, and if someone doesn't tick that box, you're not considering them at all?

[wolfcub]

I guess my phrasing of "not having a lot in the physical attraction department" was poorly worded. I was fully aware others would find that attractive, just not me specifically. The phrasing on that was poor and I apologize

As for your question, I'm honestly not sure. I know I didn't really go for a person on Tinder because I wasn't that attracted to them physically, even though our conversation was decent enough. But at the same time, I remember several instances where there were girls that were good looking but didn't really a bubbly personality, and the thought of dating them never crossed my mind. So I'm not sure

[Heather]

No worries.

And okay. I asked that because what I was going to say was: if how someone looks and not totally feeling chemistry from the jump based on that alone is stopping you from trying a hangout/date or two, you might want to reconsider your approach.

I don't suggest that from a settling perspective so much as that chemistry and attraction are complex, and when and how we feel them are often about more than just how someone looks. For a lot of folks, we often have to interact more, get to know someone more, and engage with someone in the kinds of ways -- flirtations, sexual/affectionate ways, even the suggestion of them -- to get a sense of if that's there. And then if and when it is, and if it starts to grow for us, then how someone looks to us, how attracted we feel, can change, rather than be the way it was when we saw them without those kinds of interactions; those ways of knowing them. Do you get what I mean?

[wolfcub]

I guess. I think so

You said to engage them in things like flirtations and sexual/affectionate ways. I've been trying to find ways to practice flirting (sometimes I feel like I understand nothing about it. Or how normal compliments and teasing differs from flirty ones. A lot of the stuff I find online feels too cheesy or aggressive). Isn't engaging in flirting with someone you don't really have feelings for yet kind of mean?

[Heather]

I totally hear you. I'm someone who feels that a lot of what's presented/understood as "flirtation" also feels super fake and weird, and yes, even performative. I think most teasing is, IMHO, gross. So, anything that feels like that to me? That's not what I do.

Instead, I think of it as things I can do to express potential -- the keyword here being potential -- interest. And that's all it is, too: interest. It's not a promise, or a commitment, it's a curiosity that you're expressing and seeing if someone else shares and might express back (they're not promising anything back either).

So, some of this is figuring out what this might be like for you that feels like the way YOU -- as the person you are -- would do it. I'm a very forthright and blunt person, for example, so for me, it might look like me just asking someone out or giving a compliment, like that the sound of their voice is scrumptious or that they're a good dancer, do they want to try and show me how? I think that if any of it doesn't feel like you then it probably isn't the way to go -- so much of what I think people get "wrong" about flirting is they think there's one way to do it, this strict, heteronormative way, and then try and do it that way and it comes off fake and weird because it is. Again, just try and think about it as you expressing a potential interest; a curiosity.

Keeping it playful in some way can be helpful, but I think that often is because a) any kind of sex is a kind of play, b) social interactions as a whole are a kind of play, but also c) "play" as a vibe has a lightness to it that can help counter social anxiety a lot of people feel in a new or new kind of social interaction with someone.

Is that helpful?

[wolfcub]

I guess. You've said that we have to interact more, but I've been having so much trouble just finding people I might want to date. IRL or online, it's really just an empty void. I've been trying so hard to find ways to expand my opportunities, but they all resulted in the same thing happening over and over again, taking years to find someone I'm actually interested in and then, bombing hard due to my complete inexperience

I even got onto Tinder and several other dating sites just to try to meet more people and practice my dating skills. But I had an even harder time even getting a person to talk to me on there. It's just stupid how I'm stuck in this stupid loop, like why even try at this point?

[Urna]

Hello wolfcub,

What are some ways that you've tried to expand your opportunities, aside from the dating site strategy you mentioned? Sorry to hear that it seems like you're stuck in a loop of some sort with regard to finding romantic links that stick.

You spoke of your inexperience, and how that's what causes initial communication with people to break down. Could you elaborate on that a little? What usually goes wrong? And if it's because flirting isn't really your thing, could you share how flirting (or the lack thereof) factors in? Like--do people mistake your attention for platonic because you don't flirt?