Is this still a healthy relationship?

[KatLvr]

My boyfriend has been watching porn, it's something that he told me about a month ago, he wanted to be open with me about it and he asked me if I was okay with it. I was never truly comfortable with it, but guys will be guys and I know that's what most guys do, but I told him I was okay with it.
The last two times we had sex was strange. He wants to watch porn while we're having sex, he will look at the screen sometimes. But the sex with him felt really good, I'll use the word powerful because it was, had a better orgasm each time, but the intimacy is not really there. I'll look at the screen sometimes myself, but I try not to and try to keep the intimacy together with us.
Is watching porn in a loving relationship a good thing? The sex is better with him when he watches it, but it's only better because he is watching someone else having sex instead of looking at me.

[Elise]

Hi there KatLvr, and welcome to Scarleteen.

Pornography use can be a tricky thing to navigate in relationships and in our own ethical and personal feelings about it. What you have outlined here can be broken down into two areas. It is a bit about you both understanding what porn is, and isn't, and quite a bit about ensuring that your relationship is healthy in the sense that you can both communicate clearly, safely and listen to each other about your relationship, including how you both are engaging in, what you want out of sex, and how you like to feel when engaging in sex together.

1. What is porn? If someone engages with it, what are some important things to know about it and keep in mind?

Porn as a type of media and our personal feelings about it can be tricky to navigate, often because we are more exposed to the judgements and feelings about whether it should exist, rather than what it represents. Sexual media, including porn, has been around for thousands of years, so it isn't going anywhere, so it is in fact more important to have literacy about what it is saying and representing in our current time. We have these great articles about that here that I suggest that you and, your boyfriend also read, as this is information good to keep in mind whether you watch porn regularly, have seen any porn at any time, or don't at all:

• Bare Bodies: Reality Checking Mainstream Porn
• Making Sense of Sexual Media
• Looking, Lusting and Learning: A Straightforward Look at Pornography

2. How is porn being used in the context our relationship, and is this in line with the kind of relationship that we want to have? Is our relationship one in which we can have healthy and open discussion about this?

You have voiced that intimacy during sex is something that is important to you, and you want both of you to be present and attentive to each other during sex. This is a completely reasonable thing to ask for and something that you should be able to speak to your boyfriend about. Feelings about your boyfriends's private masturbation practices can be different from how you engage in sex together, it is a reasonable standpoint to understand that he might watch porn when masturbating, but that you don't want porn to feature in your sex together.

I hear you saying that you liked the physical things he was doing when watching porn, but that it was lacking the intimacy that you want out of this experience as well. This is again something that you could talk about with regards to things you enjoy during sex, and things you'd like to try. It sounds like from what you've said that you might find it a bit daunting to bring these things up with your partner, which most people do when thinking about doing it the first time, and sometimes after that too. Fortunately, we at Scarleteen have some articles to assist with this too, that might help you frame your thinking.

• Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
• Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?
• Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

After you have had the chance to take a look at the above, we'd love to hear what you think, any questions, curiosities or clarifications we can help with, if you are comfortable sharing them. We'd also be happy to chat through any feelings these bring up or thoughts on what next steps you think you'd like to undertake in terms of talking to your boyfriend about this.