Addicted? :O

[Aly.O]

Hi there! Great new boards!

Anyway, I am afraid I am a bit addicted to feeling good through sexual acts. When I am with my boyfriend he makes me orgasm with dry sex. I look foreword to him doing this with me. It's constantly on my mind, but it's not like I'm just using him for that. I really love him and care for him, and we have a fun, sweet, happy relationship where we go out and have a good time or just stay inside and cuddle. It's just that I seem to always to want him to make me feel good this way, and I make him feel good as well, but I don't think he's as obsessed with it as I am. The days I don't see him I sometimes try touching myself and making myself come, and it feels okay but it's not the same as the way he does it.

Am I addicted to sex, or the climax it brings? Is something wrong with me? I'm not sure if I am abnormal or just enjoy feeling good. Maybe I just love the intimacy in it, I'm not sure, but I do know that even if I couldn't feel this way, I'd still be with my boyfriend regardless.

Also, is it odd that orgasming through masterbation doesn't feel the same as orgasming with someone else? It feels... idk very different a little lonely if anything.

Thanks!

[Heather]

"Addiction" is a very problematic framework for something like sex.

Let's see if we can't unpack some of this before we dig in: What if you were asking this about something else you really liked, like say, food. Would you be concerned in the same ways if you always enjoyed eating, thought about eating a lot, and wanted to eat and share good food when it was available to you?

If not, why not?

[Aly.O]

Well, when you put it that way, no maybe the reason is food is something we really need to live, while sex is good, but not crucial.

[Heather]

But you do not need to enjoy food to live. In other words. Really enjoying food is about pleasure - just like sex is about pleasure, though it is also about other things - not survival. We do not have to enjoy food to survive, we just need to eat it.

[zeitvogel]

I've heard from several people that masturbation feels different from partnered sex, and also that orgasms gotten in different ways feel different. So that's not unusual. And it's not just about one being more intense than the other, it might be that one is relaxing while the other is invigorating for example. (These things also seem to change over time, so you're not going to be 'stuck' with your current settings )

It is natural to enjoy feeling good There are loud parts of our society that have made it their business to tell people to feel bad about enjoying sex, and you may have taken some of their baggage aboard without realizing it. Feel free to return all that to sender! You have the right to feel good, and that includes feeling good sexually.

About your worry about being addicted... addiction is a complex subject but it mainly means you're doing something that is harmful and you can't stop. It may help to step past that word and look at whether you feel that way about what you're doing here.

- Do you feel you need to do it even when it makes you unhappy?
If so, what kind of feeling is it? What do you think will happen if you decide not to?

- Does it make your boyfriend unhappy?
If so, has he said anything about it? Is it something you feel comfortable talking about with him?
With partnered sex it's important for both people to feel good about it, and if you haven't checked in with him about this then there may be some anxiety floating around just from having that unaddressed. Does he enjoy the things that make you orgasm?

- If you want to do this and your boyfriend is not in the mood, what happens then?
Has this been a problem, is it something you're afraid of?

You described what happens as a kind of exchange (he makes you feel good, and you make him feel good), and I think you might be a bit anxious about the feeling that that can get unbalanced. A big part of intimacy, though, is to be in tune with and enjoy each other's responses, so that making you feel good makes him feel good and the other way around. Does it feel that way when cuddling? If so, does something about that change when it gets more sexual?

That was a lot of questions I'm sorry about that, and please don't feel you have to answer any that make you uncomfortable. I just hope that thinking about them will make things more clear.

[Aly.O]

Heather: I totally see what you mean ! Thanks for wording it in a way I understand

Zeitvogel: Thanks so much, I get what you mean
1. I don't feel unhappy when I do it, it just feels... I don't know good when it happens. But if I don't end up doing it my day just goes on. It could still be on my mind but I don't obsess about it.
2. It doesn't make my boyfriend unhappy, quite the opposite in fact.
3. If he's not in the mood, we generally just forget about it and watch a movie or go out or something.
4. I think it stays the same throughout, kisses make us both feel good and hugs and stuff, and I guess when it's sexual it still stays the same, we want to feel good and make each other feel good, only sexually.

I see what you mean when you say step away from the word addiction, I think it's hard to explain what I feel. It's like I think about it, I think about how great it feels, and when it happens it's just like alright, cool, and when it doesn't I keep thinking and trying to relive the feeling.

No need to be sorry, thanks a bunch

[Heather]

I'm hearing you describe something that sounds like so far it's been very good for you and your boyfriend.

Addictions -- despite really being about substances in the first place -- are something that very much feels out of control for someone because it is: addiction is something where someone is dependent upon something, not where they are simply enjoying something that feels good when it does, but when it's not right for them or others, or when it doesn't feel right, they can easily just not do.

Unfortunately, there still aren't a lot of narratives in our world for women, especially young women, when it comes to sex being something about pleasure and joy; narratives where wanting sex is normalized just as much for young women as it is for young men. So, I can certainly get how through that lens alone, it might be easy to think something is wrong because it feels right, even though that's so backwards!

I don't hear you expressing any struggles or problems around any of this: are you having any? Is there something about any of this that doesn't feel right for you, makes you uncomfortable, or feels like a problem?

[Aly.O]

That's true, but nope, absolutely no problems when it comes to this. The only "problem" I can think if is the lack of feeling good when it doesn't end up happening one day, and I'll just get a little impatient, but it doesn't lead to anger or violence ever. My problem is that I hope this is 100% normal and there's nothing wrong with me for having this on my mind a lot and wanting to feel good.

[Karyn]

It's okay to be a bit annoyed if something we're looking forward to or want doesn't happen; as long as it's not leading to anger with your partner, and you're aware that sometimes sex won't happen for whatever reason (which it sounds like you are) then it's not a problem.

[Mo]

It's certainly normal and ok to have sex on your mind a lot when you're finding it pleasurable!
I do think that as time goes on it may become easier for you to deal with impatience or frustration at times when you want to have sex with your partner and he isn't in the mood, or circumstances are otherwise not right, but it sounds like you're dealing with that impatience just fine so far.

[Aly.O]

Karyn and Mo: thank you both so much, everyone in this post has seriously made me feel a lot better about my thoughts and feelings

[Heather]

It is nearly guaranteed that sometime in your life you WILL have sexual problems or conflicts of some kind. Everyone does at least sometime.

So, I always vote against not making something going just fine a problem or conflict. It's great when it's not!

[Aly.O]

Great point, Heather, thanks All I want is to make sure is that I don't base my entire relationship upon orgasming, I still want to be able to want to go out and have fun instead of stay inside all day and... y'know. I think that part is entirely up to me and my decisions.

[Karyn]

Yep, that bit is up to you. Honestly, though, you seem pretty self-aware, and the fact that you're thinking about this at all is a good indication that you're able to balance sex with the other parts of your relationship. I don't think you have any reason to be concerned about that.

[Aly.O]

Thanks Karyn I'm glad for your feedback

[NAC1999]

Some very good points were made here, I was wondering the same thing myself! Thanks for posting this