I don't want this attraction

[iloveeveryone]

Hi! Thank you!

Sorry, I really need help logically sorting out my romantic/physical attraction feelings for a person I know. I don't have anyone in my life who can take the time to help me well!

This is taking up too much mind-space and I don't think it is worth it at all, especially since I have to concentrate on my last year of school.

Right now this person is just 14 years old and I'm 17, which is also mildly ugh for me although not a problem, I intellectually know it is fine unless I do something weird.

There are so many issues I have about this person, it is crazy!! He isn't even an exceptional person or something, he is just a person. Not worth all this trouble I feel. I have no idea why I am even nice to him.

I was attracted to him even when I was 12-13 and he was, what, 9-10? (that time, I also did some unwanted "aww you're so cute, <name>" cheek-pinching like mentioned in Puppy Love: The Do's and Don'ts of Crushes, I hope he doesn't remember ). Then he moved away for a few years.

In the few years until now when he wasn't here and we didn't talk, I didn't think about him or have feelings for him at all and when he moved back, I thought "obviously I am not going to be attracted to him anymore" but I was wrong. What is this??

I also hate how I act different around him and laugh a lot and stuff, and try to find clues that he likes me romantically too: normal crush side effects--that I don't want. I have no intention of pursuing it or even telling him I liked/like him. He wouldn't understand and might be freaked out. Or maybe he knows already, I don't know. I have so many things I need to talk about related to this person.

So these are the facts.

I never talked to him about any of these things and he wouldn't understand either, so all adjustments have to be made by me in my mind.

This person shouldn't get to make me feel like this! I don't even like many parts of the person he is. He doesn't show anyone his feelings and he is homophobic! If I try to tell him my feelings for him, and propose that we change our interactions to make me feel better, he wouldn't understand at all. Why do I feel attracted to him? I just want to stop it and study for my exams (well, I guess that doesn't just happen).

I think he is a very physically attractive person ( ) and basically a good one. He acts different from before, like showing less emotions, with our friend group, so I guess I subconsciously want to "help him" or something (in reality that is probably just who he is now, and there's nothing to change), along with liking him romantically. It's just so sad that I feel all this for him but basically he is just dumb and won't understand that. We've never had some sincere heart-to-heart conversation, we're not close friends and he isn't that kind of person.

I just want to simplify stuff - care about him less and also stop liking him romantically. Everything would be fine if he just moved away again.

Thank you so much.

[Sam W]

Hi iloveeveryone,

It sounds like you're experiencing an unbidden crush, which is actually a pretty common experience. Attraction is a weird beast, to the point that sometimes we can't quite work out why someone is pushing the crush buttons in our heads. The good news is, crushes we don't act on--especially when we don't want them--generally fade away.

Since this guy doesn't seem to be a part of your friend group, something that may help is to actually devote less time and mental energy on trying to work out or get rid of the crush. Instead, it might help to plan on being polite/friendly towards him if you cross paths or are in class together but otherwise limiting how much you see him. Sometimes that can help a crush fade a little more quickly. Does that feel doable?

You might also find some help in the first of the two questions answered in this column: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... t_pursuits.

[iloveeveryone]

Hi! Thank you!
I used the wrong words! He actually is part of our friend group and we meet a few times a week, although me and him have almost zero one-to-one interaction. I don't think there is any way I can meet him even less, unfortunately.

I agree that it will fade although I don't at all think it will happen soon, and I really did want that.

I've read that column, and I also don't understand how that applies to me, except for the fact of an age difference.

Thank you so much.

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

I will say that crushes can sometimes go away as abruptly as they arrived. But I think you're right that this is likely a matter of being patient while the feelings fade.

[iloveeveryone]

yes.