Sexual attraction / BDSM

[66455fe]

I don't know if this goes against community guidelines as lewd or whatnot so if it does, I apologize in advance and will remove it if notified. I just thought if there was anywhere I could talk about this topic, this is probably the place.

So let's start with sexual attraction. I'm attracted to females only, that much I know. But I don't know if it's just general attraction or sexual attraction. I mean, I've never (and I mean never) looked at anyone and thought "She's hot, I want to have sex with her." And I'm not attracted to porn. Other guys seem so into seeing a woman's private parts that they will pay big bucks for it even when you can look it up for free online. Even if it was completely free, I don't see the appeal. Sure, that part of the body is sexual but what pleasure is there in just looking at it? Someone explain this to me. That said, the only images I typically find pleasure in viewing are those of the kinky variety. I'm interested in the power exchange relationships visible in them more than in the sexual aspect of it. Another thing is, the only type of sex I feel I would enjoy doing would be power exchange kind of sex (like fellatio, doggy, fingering etc.) where I would be dominant over the other. Other sex doesn't interest me. I don't even find pleasure in trying to please myself.

Another thing is, BDSM is a very big part of my life. When researching the practices and community of D/s (which I have been for the last three years), I found it really appealing and even comfortable. I feel I can be open about anything and be who I want. And I know that I want it to be a part of my life once I am an adult. The only thing I'm struggling with is that department is the loneliness that comes from being a Minor in kink (and by this, I mean being interested in, not engaging in. I will not participate in any BDSM-related activity until I am of legal age). I can come up with fun scenarios or new ideas for future rules or such that I would normally share with my best friend, but can't because of how taboo the subject is. I don't know anyone who I can truly be myself around, particularly in this area. And it's not like I'm able to go to a munch or BDSM party to meet like-minded people. So my final question is, is there a way to meet like-minded people who are the same age as me (16)? I find that the only places to find other kinksters are either adults, or other people my age who would want to engage in activities that I don't feel is appropriate to do at my age. I just want someone I can send kinky memes and have discussions with.

So basically to recap, I'm worried that I'm weird not being very sexual in a non-BDSM way, and that it would effect intimacy in my future relationships. And I'm also hoping there is a way for me to talk to like-minded people my age about stuff like this without having to get 'involved'. Again, I'm sorry if my language is too descriptive or if the topic is in the wrong space. Please let me know if it is and I'll change it or remove it.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, and no worries, your language and what you want to talk about is okay here.

We can't explain why anyone is turned on by anything any of us are, or why some people are very aroused by looking at genitals while other people aren't. Human sexuality is such a diverse thing that explaining that is like explaining why some people want to be doctors and some don't, or why some people like chocolate and others don't -- all of this stuff is always a complex story of our histories and backgrounds and personalities and everything else about our individual makeup. The good news is, none of us needs to have an explanation for why we're into what we are: we can just accept that and ask others to do same.

That so far -- and if it turns out to be always -- BDSM-related stuff is all that you find sexual interest in doesn't mean the intimacy in your relationships will be limited. For one, intimacy is always about way more than just the sexual aspect of our relationships in the first place, or the sex parts of those relationships, and it's mostly emotional, not about what we do or don't do in bed. How much intimacy we have in relationships has much more to do with how emotionally open we are with people than anything else, and how much we communicate that (and as you already probably know, healthy BDSM/power exchange involves a LOT of communication). This just isn't something you need to worry about.

I'm sorry that you feel so isolated, and this certainly is something we've heard young people express before. One thing you might do is start by looking around the boards and adding in to some other threads from some other like-minded folks: there are some here in the boards community.

Are your only friends straight folks? I ask that because in queer culture, it's not taboo to talk about this stuff amongst friends. You might find that if you can expand your social circle in that way -- and it's not required of you that you change or misrepresent your orientation to do that -- you have some more community and be able to have some of the discussions you want to with peers.

[66455fe]

All my friends are strait (as far as I know) and I am too, so that's not a problem. I just feel like I'm too into BDSM, even compared to those my age who I have heard say they were into it too. Anyone I have tried to share my feelings about it with, whether it was long-time friends, or new ones, or friends that also liked BDSM, or friends who didn't know about it before, are now out of my life because of it. Now I fear losing those around me (not like there's many left) by sharing who I truly am, and the sad part is, not a single person on earth has even seen the full me. I'm tired of having to hide things, but I'm also tired of starting relations with people that will end. I just feel like I can't win either way. I've tried to accept it and move past it but then I meet someone and really start to like them, and then share too much and watch them leave. Then it repeats. And repeats. And repeats.

[Sam W]

Hi 66455fe,

I think what Heather was getting at was that it could be helpful to look into queer communities, or even into writing or other media produced by queer folks, especially if all your friends are straight. I second their comment that those spaces tend to be easier places to talk about "non-normative" sexual stuff, because the people in them have already had to get comfortable with sexual things that fall outside of the "cis man and cis woman have vaginal sex" standard. Does that make sense?

Can I ask how those conversations where you bring up your interest in BDSM usually go? For instance, are you and your friend(s) already talking about sex? Or does it come up in conversation some other way? And are you the only one talking about your sexual interests, or are the others doing it to in those conversations?

[66455fe]

The thing is, I still feel like looking into queer communities still wouldn't help since I'm still Cisgender, still straight.

"The conversation" usually happens after a month or so of getting to know someone, and only if I am interested in them. The conversation usually starts with me saying, "Hey, I saw _(insert mildly kinky sfw activity description)_" and wait for their response, or when the time is right, say, "Yea, I'm into some pretty weird stuff" and eventually bring up BDSM.

[Mo]

It might help if you want people you can talk about these things with people who might be open to those discussions in a general sense. It sounds from what you've said here that right now you're only talking about your interest in BDSM with people you're interested in; is that correct? A lot of people find that they enjoy talking about BDSM in a nonsexual context with friends they aren't interested in sexually, and I think that's more of what Heather was suggesting. If you're only interested in discussing it with people you're sexually interested in, I can see why queer spaces wouldn't seem as helpful.