My boyfriend is cis and I'm a trans man and afraid of having sex

[perishglass]

Hi,
so, my boyfriend is a cis man and I'm a trans man, and I'm scared that I won't be able to have sex with him. I've never had sex with anyone else before and I'm pretty comfortable with my own body but I'm not sure how much I am comfortable with him seeing my body. He's incredibly sweet and kind and understanding and loves me for who I am, and he's not one of those toxic transphobic cis gay men, he's also very in touch with his feminine side and we are very similarly queer, if you can say it like that. He would totally be understanding if I told him I didn't want to have sex with him, but this is his first relationship and I do trust him enough to want to take this step with him together. I've also dabbled in the fact that I might be asexual or just sex-repulsed, but only because I have some OCD-related issues with touching others, especially intimate areas that could be dirty or unwashed. On top of that, my social anxiety disorder makes me worry that I will act weirdly or too desperate during and embarrass myself. My worries would most likely not be confirmed, but it is tough to overcome. And I've come out as asexual (but I guess that was only to cover up my OCD issues) and he didn't mind and he supports me. But I'm really worried that I won't be able to overcome my fear of touching him or him touching/seeing me and my body, because I do want to have sex. It's also especially scary since, with me being trans, there's always that fear of him turning around and leaving if he sees me and if he realizes, 'oh, I don't actually like vaginas.'

Percy

[Heather]

Hey there, perishglass, welcome to the boards. <3

I'm so sorry that you're struggling with all of these fears. It sounds pretty overwhelming.

I wonder if it might help to start by dialing back the never of something that's maybe further down the line -- some kind of genital sex, or sharing what your genitals look like with him and what may come of that -- from where you are right now, and perhaps things you might do before those further-away places? For instance, what if we don't think about having genital sex at all yet, and the fears that brings up, and just start by talking about a way less loaded kind of physical exposure and intimacy for you. Can you think of something like that we can talk about you haven't done yet? Has something like kissing happened? Or being shirtless together and lying around in bed or something?

[perishglass]

Hi Heather, thank you for replying . I'm not sure how forums work lol, so I hope this is the right way to reply back.

I haven't been intimate with him in any way yet. No kissing, no nothing. I've seen him shirtless once, but that's kind of it. But the things you described about the less loaded intimacy seem like they can be a pretty reachable thing for me, so thank you. I didn't really consider any of that, but it sounds like that would help me take a small step and get more comfortable with him.

[Heather]

You worked it out.

Okay, great, what do you think about us maybe trying just talking through one of those steps here on the boards to see how it might feel to explore that? Like, talk through something like a kiss and all the what-ifs, good, bad and otherwise, so you can kind of get a sense of how you might manage various feelings, outcomes or reactions?

Or, you could just take a little time to think through that yourself if, as we've just met you, that might feel like...well, kind of a lot all by itself.