Idk I'm scatterbrained right now(sorry if it's all spaghetti and doesn't make sense)

[AZbb]

Idk how to start but I'm pretty confused whether my boyfriend actually cares about me or if it's something I'm not thinking of? I had a pretty rough childhood, my mom was abusive physically and mentally, so I talked to my Boyfriend about it and that I wanna work on caring more and trying to keep myself motivated so Idk if this is just his tough-love way of trying to motivate me. But I have conflicting feelings about it. One recent thing is, He asked me if I could draw some concept art for a game he's coding in the next hour cause he can't continue the code without a character thing idk, I said that I really don't enjoy drawing for other people, I just like doing it for myself. He started being really sweet, tryna convince me to do it, but when I said no he said "I'm not just anyone, not even for your boyfriend?" I said no, it's not like that, I don't feel like drawing at all right now. He said "you just don't love me" then proceeded to go on a rant saying "You're so lazy, you don't even try to do anything. you can't expect to enjoy everything, I don't enjoy coding but guess what? I do it anyway cause I have to, to get better." I told him that I didn't want drawing to become like a job cause I'd end up hating it (I really just love doodling in my spare time as something to relax) He said "I thought you actually cared about drawing, guess I was wrong otherwise you'd actually try, worthless." One thing I don't like is lately he's been saying my drawings are jank, and that I'm useless and unproductive, He didn't used to say those things but now those kinds of words end up slipping out of his mouth almost every time I try to say no and I hate to say it but he's reminding me of my mom. One difference tho, he asks me how I'm doing everyday throughout the day but when I start to tell him he gets really disinterested and changes the subject, so now I usually just say "been alright, hbu" then he talks for hours about stuff, I really love listening to him so Idk what I'm doing that's making him not interested, but then again, later he says I never tell him about my day or how I am so maybe I'm being oversensitive

[Elise]

Hi there AZbb, firstly, no apologies needed for your writing here, this all made sense. It seems like this encounter has left you feeling quite activated and anxious, which is a totally valid response, and I'm sorry that you're feeling like that right now. I hope you have been able to do some soothing activities in the meantime. If you would like some suggestions on some activities to assist with this, you can check out this page online: Self-soothing vs. self-care

In the situations you describe, the way that your boyfriend is speaking to you is not okay, or respectful. I can hear your doubting yourself at moments in your post, however your instincts are sound, and you are right that this is not okay, it does sound like that he is also mirroring patterns of manipulative behaviour that you have seen before. Whilst it may not be much comfort in the moment, the fact that you have learned to recognise this behaviour is a good thing that can help keep you safe, and not everyone can recognise that it is happening as easily when it happens to them.

The kind of behaviour, where a person talks down to someone they're in a relationship and insults them like this, is a kind of manipulative way to act where the person tries to break down someone's self esteem - they exert control either by the person doing what they say to try and be "better" and/or the person feeling inadequate and therefore depend on them more as the only person who they can be loved by and will stay with them despite these "flaws''. The way that he also tries to be nice when he wants you to do something and then quickly turns is also not a great sign.

You're also not wrong that him wanting to talk about himself and not you is a very unequal dynamic. It seems like he is interested in having someone listen to him, but not do any listening himself (which has nothing to do with the content of what you have to say, and everything to do with him wanting to stay focused on himself).

This can be a lot to hear, and might also be distressing to hear, even if it is also validating your experience, it can be a lot to feel at the same time. Also let me reassure that you that there are definitely plenty of ways to have a loving, communicative and safe relationship. How are you feeling to feel to read these things?

If it helps, these articles go into a bit more detail about what I'm talking about here, and also things you could think about saying or doing next. You definitely don't need to read these all in one go, but if you feel comfortable reading them and then sharing your thoughts here, we'd love to hear your thoughts:

• Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
• Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
• Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves

[AZbb]

Thank you so much, I've read the first one so far those links are great with helping me understand what is and isn't abusive, I've had a fair understanding but nothing to actually confirm it for me so I've been battling myself.
One part of me wants to get away, I couldn't stand how he brushed off and joked around when I talked about serious subjects. I got really stressed and actually broke up with him a few months ago and I felt horrible for a few days but after that everything was so nice, my mind was a lot clearer and idk I was so happy and free feeling, although I would get that sense of guilt and question my reasoning from time to time. Around a month later he asked if we could get back together, I said no, and that I don't think I'm ready or want to be in a relationship it's all too confusing and stressful, but after we were talking for a while he asked me again this time adding things like how he's sorry and that I know him, how he gets anxious at times and needs me with him,, and that the good times we spend outweigh the the times he messes up so it's worth it, and to give him another chance along with other things. I eventually gave in and said yes, but after a few days I started regretting it and really wanted to be single again.

But then the other part of me would remind me of all the great times, how much I enjoy being with him, how funny he is, he makes me laugh more than anyone else, that I would go and do almost anything to make him smile cause it makes me happy too, and I wanna be there for him and comfort him through whatever he's struggling with.
So then I think is it really worth me being so stressed, anxious and doubting myself all the time, in the moment of him asking me, Yes, I did think this way, I was full of emotions and it felt like he actually meant that he was sorry, in that moment I was only thinking of the happiest times.

But I can't expect to get things back to the way they were, I don't have to accept the way he's treating me, I've talked to him about this with him and he acts like I'm joking and he's not getting better, he's getting worse, he doesn't seem to care about me the way I care about him. but even when I acknowledge these things and decide that I want to break up with him, when the time actually comes I feel really anxious and I don't know if I can do it again, most of the time he makes really good points when he wants or doesn't want me to do something and I almost always end up giving in, cause me saying no doesn't feel justified anymore. aa I was tryna make a simple reply but it turned into a vent, maybe since I literally never tell anyone these things I keep drifting off what I was originally tryna say. I was able to calm down and go to sleep last night but when I woke up I started thinking about things and getting anxious again. I'll read up on the Self-soothing vs. self-care while I get myself something to eat thanks a lot for bearing with me on this

[Sam W]

Hi AZbb,

It's absolutely okay to vent or give long answers here! This sounds like an incredibly stressful relationship to be in, and like one where you haven't had a chance to tell people what's going on. Speaking of which, are there any people in your life who you would feel comfortable talking to about this?

You mention feeling way better when you were broken up with him, and that you started feeling crummy once you two got back together. It sounds like you're leaning towards ending things again, which sounds like the call you need to make for your own well-being; if you want to talk about how to do that, or even work through your feelings around it, that's something we're happy to help with.

Those feelings of remembering the good times and feeling like they mean you can't or shouldn't leave is really common. No one is terrible 100% of the time (I really like the explanation of that offered here: https://captainawkward.com/2013/11/14/5 ... -miss-her/) but the times your boyfriend has been nice are far, far outweighed by the patterns of him insulting you and pestering you until you give in, y'know?

I also want to add that his blaming his crummy treatment of you on his anxiety is him trying to escape taking responsibility for hurting you. Lots and lots of people have anxiety and manage not to pester their partners into doing exactly what they want or insult their partners for not doing what they want them to. Too, even if his anxiety is contributing to him being irritable or something like that, that's something he needs the help of a professional to address; he can't be relying on you for it.

[AZbb]

I don't have anyone currently, the only one I'm very close with is my sister but she's been on a trip for the past few months.
I would love it if I could get some help with figuring out how to go about breaking up, I feel like I should make it short and simple, idk if it should be in person I might end up getting emotional and start backtracking. But I also don't know about over text that seems wrong. Am I going about this the wrong way?

He just texted saying he loves me, as if nothing happened, It feels like I already forgave him for everything all over again, why is it that every time he seems normal again my brain immediately feels inclined to just forget it and move on, just continue until it happens again then rinse and repeat. okok I gotta focus. Imma read that attachment tyty

[Mo]

I think in a case like this, where your boyfriend is pretty clearly being disrespectful and manipulative, whatever way helps you break things off most easily is the way to go, if you decide to break up. If breaking up over text seems like the best way to do it, it's okay to do it that way. I agree that making things short and simple is best! Sometimes when a person is being broken up with they'll try and argue their way out of it, but if you've made the decision to break up I don't think you owe the other person that conversation. Especially when it sounds like he likes to argue or make excuses when you bring up his behavior, it doesn't sound like it would be a productive discussion. It really is okay to just deliver the breakup message and stop the conversation there.

You could say something as simple as "I'm not happy in this relationship anymore, so I am ending it." You really don't need to go into further detail if you don't want to, and honestly I think it's maybe best to avoid it, so you aren't giving him things he can try to argue. If you don't want him to contact you for a while, you could say that as well.

Honestly, the fact that your boyfriend is acting like nothing happened is more significant to me than the fact that he said he loves you. The behavior you described in your first post isn't loving at all, you know? And if he can't acknowledge that and take real, concrete actions leading to significant changes in behavior (and not just saying he'll do better while changing nothing), then I just don't think this can be a healthy relationship.

[AZbb]

Thank you both so much for taking the time out of your day to help me, I was confused with a few things at first but I'm glad I can now say I understand things better, I really appreciate it a lot.
Hope you have a great day

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I'm so glad talking here was helpful!