i don’t feel good about this.

[dollparties]

hi! i’m not sure if this is the right board, so i apologize. i also don’t know if this is too descriptive? but something happened this weekend that i don’t feel was entirely consensual or at least entirely something i wanted, and i don’t know if i’m just being dramatic (for lack of a better term).
i went to see a guy, someone who i’ve communicated with about us both liking each other. i stayed for a few days, and we made out a lot and that was about it for the majority of the time. that i was fine with, he listened very kindly whenever i told him i didn’t want to or needed a break.
he asked eventually if he could touch my genitals over my pants, which i hesitantly said yes to (we agreed that if it wasn’t something i wanted i could just tap his shoulder to let him know, and this was entirely okay with me) and that was okay. i had previously expressed my hesitance for actual intercourse (implying penetration) because i have a history of being taken advantage of in this sense, and wanted to do things at my own pace with him.
so far he had been very attentive and understanding of when something was too much, even reassuring me that he wasn’t going to try to pull a dumb excuse on me as to why we should go ‘all the way’. but after a while he said something like ‘well, obviously we’re not going to actually have sex tonight, but that’s okay’, and i felt bad, but felt it was a fair assessment, and not something i had to apologize for. however, past this, he started pushing more to do more (would bring things up multiple times after being told no/not right now, and wouldn’t let me put a full stop to anything we were doing, would just give me a few minutes before continuing to pursue it) and eventually he ended up almost inside of me, even though i was actively trying to move my hips away. he was talking about how ‘oh it probably won’t go in’ to which i told him i didn’t want to take the chance, and he should at LEAST put a condom on. he did, but ended up pushing to actually ‘have sex’ enough that i said yes and let him.
it was nice, i guess, but i felt very pressured, even though a few hours before he had told me that it was okay that i didn’t feel ready to do so with him. i told him yes and didn’t stop him, but it feels like he wasn’t taking any subtle no for an answer. which i guess i could have just said no upfront, but i liked what we had been doing before this, you know? am i overreacting to this or is it actually a bit iffy? should i have just been clearer? i’m sorry if my wording is a bit clunky, being so open about sex is still something i’m learning to do.

[Sam W]

Hi dollparties,

I don't think you're overreacting at all; what he did was coercion, which is absolutely not okay. Instead of respecting your no and your clear lack of desire to have vaginal sex, he kept pushing and pestering until you gave in; that doesn't meet the definition of consent.

I'm so sorry he made those choices. He acted like he was interested in consent, but really only paid attention to the presence or absence of it when it gave him what he wanted. You're worried you weren't clear enough with him, but you were very upfront about what you were and weren't comfortable with and wanting to take things slow and it sounds like you told him "no" multiple times and instead of backing off all the way he just kept pushing.

How does reading all of that make you feel?

[dollparties]

hi, thank you for your response! it put things into perspective for me, and i feel kind of gross about everything now, but i’d rather know than continue to worry about this.
is this something you’d recommend mentioning to him? how would i go about doing so? it made me feel really taken advantage of and i don’t want that to happen in the future, you know? as much as i think i would’ve wanted to do that at some point, that was not the day, and i feel ill now.

[Sam W]

I'm glad my response was helpful in clarifying things, even if the resulting picture of them isn't pretty. I think, before thinking about if or how to bring this up with him, whether this is someone worth continuing a relationship with at all. You describe mutual interest, but what seems to be lacking is mutual respect and that's never a good sign.

Too, with this particular guy I think there's a risk of him being very apologetic and saying how he'll never do anything like this again, but then applying the same kind of tactics the next time the two of your are alone. I say that because he seems to know the "right" words to say to seem like he's being respectful, but then doesn't mirror them with his actions. Does that make sense?

[dollparties]

that does make sense! it’s a big part of why i wanted to ask on here, it seems like a lot of the time there’s a very supportive but honest response, which is what i need. if i had a friend in this situation, i would certainly be telling them the same things and probably telling them not to talk to him again, but i get all twisted up when it comes to myself.
i think i need time to process everything, and then i’ll probably try to approach him about it. maybe i’m too forgiving, i don’t know. its easy for me to say ‘if this happens again i’ll just tell him no’ but i know it’s more complicated than that when all i had been doing was trying to tell him no.
anyways, thank you. this gives me a lot to think about. he seemed so respectful, but it doesn’t really seem like that anymore, considering what happened, and i feel gross.

[Sam W]

I feel you on the struggle to apply the advice we'd give a friend versus the advice we give ourselves; sometimes it can be really hard to apply that same clarity when it's something we're smack in the middle of. When you're thinking about how to proceed, I do want to encourage you to focus on the fact that you told him "no" in both explicit and implicit ways and he went out of his way to get you to discard them; even if you were to tell him "no" in a different way in the future, there's a good chance he'd push past it in some way.

You should absolutely take the time you need to process what happened and how you're feeling. If you need help or support around that, or if other things arise about this situation that you want to talk about, we're happy offer you those things here.

[dollparties]

thank you for taking the time to talk with me about this!
i’m going to take all of this into consideration and keep it in mind moving forward, and try to keep my distance from him until i’ve sorted through what i want to do. the smart thing here i think is to cut this off, and that’s what i think needs to happen, considering i can’t get a guarantee that he won’t do it again. i’m going to have to prioritize my feelings here, which is difficult.
anyhow, thank you so much for providing this space to talk so openly and to get healthy advice that isn’t incredibly heteronormative and rape culture-y. it’s so appreciated.

[Sam W]

You're so very welcome! And if you ever need help maintaining that distance or cutting him off, you're welcome to ask for it her.