Teen sexually attracted to predatory adults

[mondilebel]

putting this here cus i dont know where else id put it appropiately, sorry if this breaks any of the rules.

I need help coping with and suppressing my attraction to [edited] assaulting me.
This started after I was groomed by an 18 year old online from age 12-14. He often talked about sexually assaulting me and BDSM,and convincing me to move in with him for sexual and romantic purposes. I left him and blocked all of his accounts around 2019, but I was left with my sexual thoughts often involving an adult taking advantage of my weaknesses. I'm currently 16 and have a lot of sexual thoughts of course, and wish they would less often be about sexual assault.
Any advice helps.

[Urna]

Hi mondilebel, and welcome to Scarleteen.

You may have noticed that I've removed a word from your original post--I did that because that word attracts horrible trolls to our website, so don't think you did anything wrong by using it!

I'm deeply sorry that you went through such a horrible experience, and that you're suffering through these distressing sexual thoughts about adults assaulting you, as a result. It's brilliant, though, that you're looking to build a healthier relationship with your sexuality, through your thoughts and fantasies, because that's a massive step forward in your healing process. What you're describing is really common among survivors of assault, in case you needed to hear it. But I have a feeling that this fact may not feel very reassuring to you right now, and that's alright too. Frankly, the best advice I could offer you is to approach a counselor or a therapist who's trained in helping people who have gone through sexual abuse of some kind. An easy way to start doing that is to start with a local organization for survivors, because they often have such facilities and services, or at least a network of other providers outside their own organization. You could also get remote counseling, if that sounds more workable. If you want any help finding such resources, please let me know, because I'd love to help.

Now, to start off our conversation about the issue at hand, I want to ask you whether you have had any non-abusive sexual experiences before. By non-abusive, I mean consensual, emotionally and physically healthy, and pleasurable. If so, do those experiences figure at all in your sexual thoughts? If not, do you ever have sexual thoughts that fit that description?

In the meantime, I'll rec a bunch of resources and articles down below for you to go through at your leisure.

• Navigating Sex and Sexuality After a Long History of Abuse and Assault

• Sex After Rape: Where Do I Begin?

Here are some book recs, too, taken verbatim from that last advice column :-

• The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, by Wendy Maltz is one I recommend often.

• This is an older book, so some of its language is outdated, but I find it a very useful general resource: The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-by-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault, by Aphrodite T. Matsakis PhD.

• Whether or not you have complex PTSD, I find this workbook useful for trauma survivors: The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole, by Arielle Schwartz PhD and Jim Knipe PhD.

• If you don't mind dense reads, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Bessel van der Kolk M.D., is a deeply helpful book on understanding how trauma plays out and influences not just our thoughts and feelings, but also the whole of our physical bodies.

• And if you want to dip a toe into what it might look like when it's time for you to craft a consensual sexual life you want, I think my friend Jaclyn Friedman's book -- also herself a survivor -- What You Really, Really Want can be fantastic for this.

Apologies for the heap of material, I hope you find something in there that helps, even a little bit.

[mondilebel]

Hi Urna,
I’ve looked through a few of the resources you’ve provided. I apologize for my late responses as well; I haven’t been so active online outside of messaging friends lately.
To answer your questions:
I have had a non-abusive sexual experience which I wasn’t much into, but for unrelated reasons. Of course I do have sexual thoughts about this idea of consensual romance, just in a better situation with different people. These can often lead into those darker thoughts I have but about half of the time I think about these normally and feel no guilt or shame.
Thank you for the helpful resources and words.
~Mondi

[Sam W]

Hi mondilebel,

I'm glad the resources Urna provided are proving helpful! I hope you continue exploring them and, if you haven't already done so, look into working with a counselor or support group that specializes in working survivors of sexual abuse. I also want to pass on this resource, which is about learning to connect with fantasy on your own terms: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms.

If it's ever of interest to you, we can also chat about how to structure future sexual experiences so they have the best chance of being ones you end up being into and enjoying?

[mondilebel]

Hello Sam,

I’m experiencing trouble finding a therapist who can specifically help with these problems because I haven’t told my parents about this. My previous therapist was mostly confidential with my information, but talked about getting the law involved when I tried to mention my abusive sexual experiences. I will try to talk to my new therapist about it, but I’m afraid she might take action as well because she specializes in different difficulties of mine, unrelated to sexual trauma.

Also, I don’t think I’ll have trouble enjoying future sexual experiences, or at least I don’t know if I won’t enjoy them until it happens. Besides that though I feel I shouldn’t have left out the fact that I have acted on my attraction to being preyed upon. It’s what made me come here desperately seeking some kind of advice. I greatly regret interacting with these predators and don’t want this to happen again.

-Mondi

[Heather]

Hey, Mondi,

I'm not Sam, but I hope it's okay if I pop in. Generally mandated reporting is about abuse that is currently ongoing, very recent, or where the person may or is still in danger of abuse. What I would suggest with your new therapist is that you ask her to tell you what her policies are when it comes to help with abuse.

In the event she, also can't help, some next places to look for that kind of help are organizations expressly intended to provide that kind of counseling, like Sam suggested.

One thing we can talk about, in line with what Sam suggested at the end there, and what you've just said, is about how to do your best to choose partners most likely to be healthy for you, and how to steer yourself away from anyone who is looking to exploit or otherwise harm you.

[mondilebel]

Hello Heather..

It’s been a while sorry, I’ve been having trouble at school and with my family. I keep talking to people I shouldn’t… However I found a girl I like, and she says she likes me too. She wants to be friends and maybe get into a formal relationship one day when we’ve matured and know each other more. It gives me hope for a potentially healthy relationship. I don’t care if it ends quickly, because I want to know what a real relationship feels like so I can continue to pursue that. I’m not sure if I’ll ever receive professional help but I’ll keep searching as best I can at my age.
To keep on the topic you’d suggested, I can’t seem to keep myself away from the urge to contact the people who manipulate me for sexual reasons. It sounds simple when I put it into words but I can’t seem to stop. It provides me with a dangerous comfort and I never want to stop sexually interacting with predators.

-Mondi

[Sam W]

Hi Mondi,

I'm glad you've found a relationship with a peer that feels healthy and happy when you're exploring it! You mention you're still struggling to find professional help around all this; were you ever able to ask your therapist about her policies regarding mandated reporting? If so, how did that go?

When you talk about "dangerous comfort" coming from these interactions, can you say a little more about what that feels like or what your internal thought process is when you experience that feeling?

[mondilebel]

Hi Sam,

I’m hoping to talk to my therapist about it this Friday since she’s been out sick lately.

When I’m feeling these thoughts it feels so real like it’s who I want to be. The thought of having someone to control me and take care of me, as terrible as I think of what it’s like to be taken care of. I almost feel like I belong to them and it feels nice to have someone to reassure me of that, even if I know they have bad intentions. It’s sorta related to my normal relationship dynamic. In a past relationship of mine, I had someone who looked after me like a parental figure and truly cared for me for some time. When I realized that I’m missing that I didn’t feel whole and that mostly reignited my internal need to be cared for, and my sexual thoughts began to shift towards the adults preying on me.

-Mondi

[Sam W]

Here's hoping you get to talk with your therapist soon, and that the conversation goes well!

Can I ask if you feel like you can't get that dynamic of being cared for or looked after in a healthy relationship? And do you have non-romantic or non-sexual relationships in your life where you feel like you get a lot of care and protection?

[mondilebel]

Hi Sam,

That’s kinda how I feel, I find it hard to discuss with someone how I want to be treated. I almost feel embarrassed to say it.

Also, I don’t have any non-romantic relationships where I feel I’m receiving care. I’ve never really been close to my family and I only have a few close friends. I used to be friends with people like this but we’re kinda distant now.

[Sam W]

There's nothing embarrassing about wanting to be cared for or looked after. Nor is it that strange that surviving sexual grooming can leave you feeling like that kind of deep care can only be obtained through someone who is abusive. But it absolutely can, and you deserve to have a partner in your life who's there for you in that deep way who also sees you as a whole, free person, rather than as something they get to control and own.

I wouldn't even say there's something wrong about wanting to surrender control to another person from time to time in a romantic or sexual way. Plenty of people in the BDSM community explore those exact power dynamics with partners. The key difference there, though, is that those are mutually agreed dynamics with consent and respect at the forefront, with both people communicating and working to design a dynamic that's fun and that they feel comfortable with, rather than someone predatory seeking out someone they can control however they want.

Does it feel doable to you to try and cultivate some deeper, caring friendships in the coming months? That's something you deserve, and it's a process we could help you navigate as well.

[mondilebel]

I could try to build up some more enjoyable friendships, but I would appreciate the advice.
I might tell the girl I like about the relationship I’d prefer and I have thought about a consensual sexual power dynamic for a relationship and I think I’m comfortable discussing it with any future partners.

[Sam W]

Okay! Let's start with this: do you want to try finding and cultivating new friendships, or do you want to try reconnecting with those friends who feel distant now?

I think talking with your potential partner about all this is a great idea! If you need it, this kind of tool can be really helpful: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

[mondilebel]

Hi, A little bit of both really, I like to be social but I’m always too scared.

I was thinking of talking to her about it later today, but I’m nervous because I’ve never even told her I was abused.

[Sam W]

Okay, maybe let's start with the friends you already know and have drifted away from, since that's a less daunting first step then jumping into a totally new social situation. Are there one or two friends in particular who you were closest too, or who feel like they drifted the least far?

Do you feel comfortable enough with her to disclose the abuse? Or would you feel more comfortable for now explaining it in a way that tells her what she needs to know without going into a ton of detail?

[mondilebel]

I haven't been active here for a long time, but since I failed to respond, I thought I should... Looking back I wrote this very inappropriately but I've always struggled putting feelings into normal words xd,,
To provide an update to everyone here I stopped responding to; I'm 18 now, and about to be 19. I'm living a very healthy life now without any of my awful desires. I cut contact with all the abusers I know, and have surrounded myself with supportive friends, and formed close bonds with my already close friends.
Things never really worked out with the girl I liked, but that's just teen crushes. I've had a long distance partner who's around my age now for over a year, and we've built a more mature relationship with each other. I'm going to meet them for the first time and celebrate my 19th birthday at their place for a few days.
I wanted to come back here because I was looking through my digital journal, and through all the anxious rambling, there was a pinned message where I copied and pasted some of Sam's words, and just kinda used them as a guideline whenever I felt I was on the wrong path. I felt I should thank you for your supportive words when I was too nervous to tell anyone else my problems.
I'm very excited to visit my partner, and also optimistic about my future as a stable young adult. Thank you for the work you guys do to support me and other struggling teenagers.

:3
~Kyo

[Sam W]

Hi Kyo,

Thank you so much for taking the time to come back and update us! I'm so glad you found the support you got here helpful, and it's wonderful to hear that you're in a place in your life where you feel happy and surrounded by supportive people <3