No Pleasure; Hear Me Out

[CassidyG]

Hello,

My name is Cassidy, I'm 19, and I've never posted here before. While searching for answers to my problem I found this site, and it looks like my question is a pretty common one, but I haven't found a story that matches mine enough.

Basically, I feel zero pleasure from masturbation or sex. None. Nada.

Yes, I've tried to put myself in the proper headspace. Yes, I've. read up on techniques and guides. Yes, I've tried with "no expectations". Nothing has worked whatsoever.

For some background:

I've barely ever tried masturbating until about three years ago. I really never felt the need (even though I do feel arousal) but, at the age of sixteen I figured I would give it a shot. I noticed right away no matter what I did I didn't feel anything pleasureable. Whatever, I just assumed I was doing it wrong. Since then I have tried, and tried, and tried. Nothing. So I gave up again for a bit and basically didn't think about it.

Now I'm in a relationship. My partner and I are both women, we've been together for nearly seven months now. I think she's absolutely beautiful, and I am very attracted to her. However, when we became intimate . . . nothing. At this point we've tried just about everything we can think of and still no result. It feels the same as rubbing my arm or my leg, I don't feel any kind of sexual spark or enjoyment. Basically, it's the same as when I tried to masturbate.

Since nothing happens when we try with me, I always end up just pleasuring her and calling it a day. She can actually enjoy it, after all. From what I can tell, our experience in the bedroom is nothing alike. I'm zero and she's a hundred.

I desperately want to be able to enjoy being intimate like she does, it looks so fun but yet I just can't. It's at the point where I've cried over the situation because I just feel like something's wrong with me and I can't fix it.

If it provides any more helpful information, I have severe depression and take the antidepressant Prozac (fluoxetine). However, as far as I understand, it's not known to cause symptoms like this. I've also tried to use a vibrator (8 speeds and 20 rhythyms) and still felt nothing. I ended up giving it to my girlfriend.

Maybe I'm at the point where I need to seek a medical professional, I just really don't know and I need your help. Thanks.

[Sam W]

Hi CassidyG,

This sounds so frustrating, doubly so given that you've been doing a lot to try and work out why it's happening. I do think it's worth bringing up these issues with a psychiatrist; Prozac and other SSRIs are more likely to cause sexual side effects than some other categories of antidepressants. A good psychiatrist will work with you to figure out if there are other ones you could try that have fewer sexual side effects but won't mess up your overall treatment. Is that kind of care accessible to you?

Annoyingly, depression in and of itself can also do weird things to your sex drive or ability to experience pleasure. Out of curiosity, when you think about things that bring you a lot of physical or mental pleasure, how easy is it to come up with examples?

[CassidyG]

Hi CassidyG,

This sounds so frustrating, doubly so given that you've been doing a lot to try and work out why it's happening. I do think it's worth bringing up these issues with a psychiatrist; Prozac and other SSRIs are more likely to cause sexual side effects than some other categories of antidepressants. A good psychiatrist will work with you to figure out if there are other ones you could try that have fewer sexual side effects but won't mess up your overall treatment. Is that kind of care accessible to you?

Annoyingly, depression in and of itself can also do weird things to your sex drive or ability to experience pleasure. Out of curiosity, when you think about things that bring you a lot of physical or mental pleasure, how easy is it to come up with examples?

Hello Sam,

I have a doctor's appointment on the 20th to talk about changing my medication. Not due to this issue, but because Prozac hasn't been working very effectively for me overall. I will however bring up my struggles on this topic as well.

For things that I enjoy (physically or mentally) it's a little complicated. I love to read, I love my college courses, I enjoy chess and writing. Physically I often like swimming or taking walks? But here's the thing, while I enjoy a lot of things, it's sometimes difficult for me to do them. I find myself lacking a lot of motivation or drive to do anything some days, and when I do force myself to do my hobbies, I can't get into them. This sometimes lasts for weeks or months, it's a symptom of my depression. When I've tried to be intimate, that's both occured during these phases and out of these phases to the same result.

I guess overall this is likely just an issue with my depression and/or medication. It's tough.

[Siân]

Hi CassidyG,

I'm sorry, it sucks when you're doing the research, doing everything "right" and still something isn't clicking. It sounds like speaking to your doctor is a good shout, as both your medication and your depression could be a part of this for sure.

I do wonder, what is your motivation here for pursuing sex or masturbation if you don't get anything out of it? Have you felt sexual feelings in other contexts? Sexual interest, like most things, varies a lot from person to person -and for some it's just not really something they're into. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, so what's driving you?

[CassidyG]

Hi CassidyG,

I'm sorry, it sucks when you're doing the research, doing everything "right" and still something isn't clicking. It sounds like speaking to your doctor is a good shout, as both your medication and your depression could be a part of this for sure.

I do wonder, what is your motivation here for pursuing sex or masturbation if you don't get anything out of it? Have you felt sexual feelings in other contexts? Sexual interest, like most things, varies a lot from person to person -and for some it's just not really something they're into. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, so what's driving you?

Hi Sian,

That's a good question and one I've asked myself before. I don't think I experience arousal or sexual attraction as much as the majority of people, but I'd say about once or twice a week I feel some kind of sexual interest. More so if my partner is involved. I feel a sensation in my body like I should try to give myself some kind of release, but when I touch myself nothing happens as I expressed previously. It's like some drive is there, but the wires have been cut if that makes any sense. Something just doesn't click how it seems like it should, it's like there's a disconnect in my body on a physical level.

I also just really like making my partner happy and I like the physical intimacy in general, even if I'm not getting much feeling out of it down there. I do believe I get aroused when she's interested in me or excited, but again, I physically can't do anything to act on it. It's very frustrating honestly.

I hope that clarifies the situation, I'm an open book at this point.

[Sam W]

Hi Cassidy,

That disconnect you're describing does make sense, and to me it's another thing that indicates some of this may be about depression and/or medication.

That does sound really frustrating to have some arousal there but feel like your body is just not cooperating. Does it feel worth it to you to continue having sex with your partner for the reasons you mentioned, even if it ends up leaving you frustrated? Or do you feel like you'd rather try to focus on other forms of emotional and physical intimacy that don't have that component?

[CassidyG]

Hi Cassidy,

That disconnect you're describing does make sense, and to me it's another thing that indicates some of this may be about depression and/or medication.

That does sound really frustrating to have some arousal there but feel like your body is just not cooperating. Does it feel worth it to you to continue having sex with your partner for the reasons you mentioned, even if it ends up leaving you frustrated? Or do you feel like you'd rather try to focus on other forms of emotional and physical intimacy that don't have that component?

The situation on that front is a little complicated. I have fun just making her happy, even though I do get a little sad I can't really participate as much as I'd like. She likes being physical but feels bad that she can't help me, even though she understands it's not her fault. It's a little messy, but I think we've been making it work okay in that area. I accept my situation until I can actually see my doctor.

So, yeah, it's worth it. Plus, we already have a ton of emotional intimacy and do lots of other stuff besides sex.

I can't resist bragging a little bit, my relationship is in a really great place and I'm very lucky to have a partner who's so understanding. Even if I could never get this resolved for whatever reason, it'd be a bummer, but I have no doubt our relationship would be fine. She's the best.

[Elise]

Hi there Cassidy, I'm really glad to hear that you feel a real sense of trust and emotional intimacy with your partner, and that giving pleasure is something you are enjoying for its own sake rather than out of obligation. When you say you do other things together, have you tried having your partner focus on giving you other forms of physical touch that you do enjoy for their own sake, like massage, for instance?