Guilty or not

[Roseeejames5]

When I was 14 I was groped by someone . I was in a terrible condition and had constant nightmares about it . After 2 years I started healing a little bit but a few days ago I saw a video about sexual harrasment and assault which made me realise I might have assaulted or harassed someone when I was young . The exact scenario was like my bestfriend and I were hanging out and she said something funny or playfully I slapped her butt . She didn't mind it or was hurt by my move. After seeing this video I started to have second thoughts about it and since we are still best friends I confessed everything to her she said she wasn't bothered by it at all or anything . I asked two or three times to be sure and she said that she is sure . But I still feel awful and don't know what to do with myself . I feel like this is karma and everything that happened to me I deserved it . I really didn't want to hurt her . I used to be so mad at the person who hurt me and now I feel like I am just like him.I didn't know that this gesture can be counted as sexual abuse because my mother and my sister also used to do this sometimes I never mind it though because i thought this was normal but after seeing that video I am feeling extremely guilty . The reason I never asked consent before doing this was my intentions weren't sexual i thought it was just a playful gesture . But now I am having second thoughts . I have seen a lot of people do this in front of me and now I feel like all of them are abusers. Please help me .

[Sam W]

Hi Roseeejames5,

First off, I'm so sorry that you went through that when you were fourteen, and that a video that was supposed to be informative has left you feeling like you're just as bad as the person who hurt you.

To start off with, you know you're not because you asked her friend how she felt and she said she wasn't bothered. If nothing else, you know you didn't hurt your friend in the way that other person hurt you. And that action certainly doesn't mean you karmically "deserved" what happened to you; you didn't deserve it, and it wasn't your fault.

Too, since it sounds like it's stressing you out to see other people do this, it may help to remember that context matters. If this is happening to someone randomly on the street, or when someone is just trying to go about their day and someone else decides to slap them on the butt, then those are instances where it's really, really not okay. But there could also be instances where it's friends goofing around and everyone is okay with that as a gesture of affection or play. Does that make sense?

[Roseeejames5]

Hey Sam W ,
Thank you so much for replying back . I just don't know why but this thing is bothering me . I can't think about anything else . No matter how much I try to convince myself that what happened was totally okay and I should move on I can't . I am grateful that she didn't feel violated by it but the fact that I did such an inappropriate action is bothering me that most and what if she did feel violated by it then would I be an abuser ?Anyway your advice really helped so thanks once again . Another question if you don't mind when parents spank their children is it sexual abuse?

[Sam W]

I'm glad my advice was helpful! Do you generally struggle with letting go of guilty feelings, or with the feeling that you must have done something wrong, even if the other people you're worried about tell you they're fine?

When we're talking about sexual abuse or assault, an important component is that it the perpetrator wants to do be doing something sexual with a person who doesn't or can't consent. So, there could be a situation where spanking is part of a broader pattern of sexual abuse of a child by a parent. That being said, even if there isn't a sexual abuse element, research shows spanking or other corporal punishment is harmful to kids.

[Roseeejames5]

No I am not saying in an abusive manner . So last week I saw a lady in a shop chasing her toddler and when she caught him she lightly slapped his butt . Does that count as sexual abuse?

[Roseeejames5]

It's not about me letting go my feelings . After my incident I was very sensitive about this topic and it made me extremely angry . As a victim I know the pain of sexual abuse so the fact that I can do this kind of thing makes me want to kill myself . I am glad that she didn't feel violated by it because my intentions wasn't to harm her but the fact that I could behave do inappropriately bothered me the most . What if she did feel violated then would i be an abuser?

[Sam W]

No, I would not call what you saw in the store sexual abuse.

It can absolutely be distressing to learn that you're capable of harm (everyone is), especially when you're an abuse survivor yourself. But just because we're capable of hurting someone, intentionally or accidentally, it doesn't mean we're doomed to do so or that every action we take will have the most harmful possible consequence. If this is really making you feel like you want to hurt yourself, then your next step needs to be contacting a mental health provider or crisis line.

I'm actually not going to focus on the "what if" part of your question, because focusing on the bad outcomes that could have happened but didn't is a good way to stay trapped in that feeling of guilt without taking anything useful away from it. Instead, I think it would be more helpful to talk about how you want to behave in the future. Do you want to be someone who becomes very clear about communicating your habits around physical touch? Do you want to become someone who asks friends what their boundaries are around things like hugging (just as an example)? Something else entirely?

You mentioned that you started healing from the incident you went through. Can you say a little more about what that healing looked like?

[Roseeejames5]

Yeah from now onwards I will be careful about mine or someone else 's boundaries . Well when I said I was healing I meant that I had nightmares about it that stopped for some time but now it's back I guess and I used to think about my assault so much that I couldn't focus on anything but after some time I rarely used to think about it . Do you think that I am victim blaming myself or trying to invalidate my trauma ?

[Sofi]

Hi Roseeejames5, I hope it's okay if I jump in. I'll start by answering your last question: it's not uncommon for sexual abuse survivors to do those things, we can be very harsh on ourselves and that's normal but it's also important to recognize it and try to break that pattern. It's great that you are aware and worried about people's boundaries and respecting them, but you are NOT a bad person or an abuser because of what you describe you did when you were younger. As for the healing, that makes sense and it's also normal! Healing is not linear. There isn't a clear path to healing, unfortunately, so it might happen that you're doing great (no nightmares etc) but then get triggered by something and go back to that. Have you heard of grounding or tried any grounding techniques? That, and overall practicing mindfulness, helps bring you to this moment (and therefore away from the past) and is very helpful with trauma and anxiety. There's a great app that is called Shine (but there are also a bunch of other apps/websites too!) that could be a good place to start. When you're feeling anxious, or having these negative thoughts, or something triggers you, you can do some mindful meditation or tapping (found in the app too) to bring your mind back to the moment. Does this sound like something you'd want to try?

[Roseeejames5]

Hi Sofi,
Thank you for your kind words I know that I was young but that was still an inappropriate behaviour I can't do anything now but I will try to do better in future . And thanks for suggesting that app I definitely try it .

[Roseeejames5]

Do you think there was consent of my friend when it happened even if I didn't explicitly ask her ?And do you think there might be a possibility that I am overthinking about this whole thing coz I have a serious problem of overthinking ?

[Siân]

Hi Roseeejames5,

I'm glad that you've found Sam and Sofi's comments helpful. It sounds like your own sexual assault and the trauma from that has been bothering you recently. I wonder if continuing to heal from that will help you with the feelings of guilt you're experiencing now. Do you want to talk about or get some support around your own sexual assault?

I do think that you might be overthinking the situation with your friend, so perhaps for now I'm going to skip talking in more detail about that so you can pause to think about yourself and what you might need - is that okay?

[Roseeejames5]

Another thing I would like to know is that can please explain in which scenario this kinda gesture is fine and in which scenario it is not with examples if you don't mind because i would like to know this thing properly for future because as you said earlier context matters

[Roseeejames5]

Hi Siân ,
Thank you for reaching out if you think talking about my own trauma will help me we this guilt then I am happy to try . But first can you please answer the questions I mentioned above .

[Siân]

There are two kinds of context that are important, your relationship and the moment. By your relationship, I don't mean whether they are your friend/partner/sibling etc. I mean do you have the kind of relationship where playful physical touch is common, enjoyed and reciprocated; where you have trust; where you're sure that you can each say when you don't want something; and where you check in from time to time about what your boundaries are.

The moment matters, because when you're joking and laughing together, things are going to feel different to a moment where you are having deep emotional conversations, or a fight.

Basically, it comes down to do you know everyone is happy and comfortable? And if you don't have you asked?

[Roseeejames5]

So as long as everyone is comfortable it is fine right? And if they are not bothered by it that means they are consenting to this right ?

[Siân]

If everyone is comfortable, like the situation you described with your friend, then you don't need to feel guilty here. I'm usually really happy to talk more about consent and how it works, but right now it seems like you're trying to find something to feel bad about and we've said a few times already that what you've described isn't a problem. It sounds like you're feeling kinda anxious about this- is that right? Do you feel anxiety often? You mentioned a tendency to overthink things, what's that look like to you?

About your own trauma, I really do think that working through that might be helpful to you. You said that you had a lot of nightmares after the assault, did you ever speak to anyone about them, or about what happened?

[Roseeejames5]

Yeah I feel anxious often when things don't go according to my plan or if I make any mistake and things like that . I have always try to do the right thing you know and sometimes I am little hard on myself . I just thought if I did something like that my trauma isn't valid but now I can see that i am not like that person that hurt me . The friend I was talking about earlier is still my bestfriend till now and this incident happened a couple of years ago so if she was really hurt by it then she would have said something or she wouldn't be my friend till now . I guess I was worrying over nothing . I think there something called non verbal consent am I right?

About the nightmares no i haven't talked to anyone about it because I don't know whom to talk to . I am afraid of their reaction . My family was pretty dismissive about my assault so I just don't wanna talk to them and I also have a really hard time opening up.

[Sam W]

I'm so sorry to hear that your family was dismissive about what happened, and I can absolutely see why that would make to hesitant to talk them, or anyone else, about what happened. We're happy to talk with you here, but I also think it would be worthwhile to seek out some resources specifically for survivors that are in your area. Would you like some help finding those?

Have you ever gotten any support around or received resources for the fact you tend to be pretty anxious?

[Roseeejames5]

Yeah I would like some resources that will help me . About my anxiety no I haven't gotten any support or resources because I have always been like that so I thought I could deal with it .

[Sam W]

I totally get that feeling of being anxious for so much of your life that you kind of figure it's just a thing you'll always be able to handle. But I also know that a mindset like that means that anxiety can get to the point where it's messing with your ability to enjoy and go about your life without you really noticing it's happening. As a starting place, can you take a look at this and see what steps or suggestions in it sound doable to you? Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

I'm going to give you a few resources to help you start looking for more local supports for survivors. The first one has a specific helpline you can call, which may be able to refer to you even more local resources: https://shaktishalini.org/, http://orinam.net/resources-for/lgbt/he ... -violence/

[Roseeejames5]

I will definitely check out both the resources . Thanks for helping