Just need some reassurance

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

We can certainly chat about sexuality stuff! And I'm sorry to hear that money is making therapy trickier to access. Have you spoken to your therapist at all about that situation and asked if she has something like a sliding scale when it comes to fees?

[sky]

She already gives me sliding scale price. So I guess I just wanna know, am I valid in identifying as queer if I never try with a man, I’m just not really interested in them and I don’t know. When I in-vision my life, I have a wife and we’ve adopted kids and we’ve adopted a golden retriever and a black lab and have a happy household. I want that for my life but I still talk to men because I have this sick obsession with “making sure” I’m not straight when I think I’m bi but am I valid as a bi if I’m never with a man. I don’t know how to word what I’m trying to say

[Carly]

Hey sky -- sometimes it can feel like there's some pressure to have the right words to describe your sexuality as accurately as possible. There's nothing wrong with being on a quest for those words or labels that feel right, and finding them may be very validating. The words we have are not one-size-fits all though - there are many ways to experience our sexualities, so I think it's possible to really gel with calling yourself queer or bi and not desire sex with some people. Something I'm hearing though - and please correct me if I'm on the wrong path here - is that you're not really interested in men beyond them being a way to "check" your sexuality. I'm not really sensing that you're interested in them romantically or sexually. If that's the case, I'm wondering why that's factoring into how you want to identify?

(hopefully that question makes sense, let me know if not)

[sky]

Hey Carly!

You’re so sweet. Something about you just seems so nice. I’m not really interested in them sexually and not at all romantically. It is to check my sexuality, if that makes sense.

[Carly]

Aw, thank you, Sky. I'm glad I can make you feel comfortable.

Anyway, yes, I understand what you mean. I ask about it because you had asked if you could not want to be with men and still call yourself bi or queer; I think what I'm not fully following here is why you would be concerned about this bit with men. I understand wanting to check your sexuality, but to me it sounds like you actually know how you feel pretty well. Do you feel like there will be a point where you won't need to check?

[sky]

I just don’t wanna be lesbian. I want to be straight heather and I have gone through this so many times I won’t get into it again but yeah I don’t know why I’m obsessed with men to know when I already know I’m not bi. I don’t wanna kiss boys I wanna kiss girls and hold girls and hold hands with girls. I like girls romantically and sexually

[sky]

I asked my therapist if she can do some conversion therapy shit on me

[sky]

She said she doesn’t do that

[Heather]

As I think we've talked about before, no one who is an actual therapist does that. It's an abuse, not a therapy, always has been an abuse, never has been a therapy. It's one of those things where they have used a word to try and hide what something actually is. It's never done anything but very serious harm to anyone, and has a long and terrible history. There's a very good reason it is now banned in some states. It should be banned everywhere.

If you're up to sharing, I'd be curious what else she said to you about you asking her for that. (Okay if you don't want to, obviously.)

I wonder if you would be open to talking about the benefits of straightness that you think have you so caught up in this. And yep, I know, we've been on this for a long time, but you know what, this is so not just you who has this issue, nor is it just you who has a hard time getting past it. I actually think it's a big deal that you are able to take ownership of it like you have here. What do you feel like would be better or easier if you were straight?

[Heather]

(Btw, I think you're in chat right now, just FYI, I can also work there with you this morning if you'd prefer.)

[sky]

I went to the group tonight heather and it wasn’t going on tonight. Made me look like an idiot to the guy

[Carly]

Hey sky -- it can feel embarrassing when we make mistakes, I'm sorry this made you feel so discouraged. Whenever I make a mistake like that, I try to remember that I'm surely not the only one who has ever messed it up. And sometimes it's not even our fault at all. Were you able to get information or clarity on when the next one is?

[sky]

I think it’s next week but he wasn’t even aware I’m that there was a group yesterday lol

[sky]

I have a date Friday with a girl

[sky]

I just tried watching the cloud movie and it made me uncomfortable so I turned it off I’m sorry. I tried

[Heather]

Isn't that just the Murphy's Law of psyching yourself up for something? You do all that work then you go and it's the wrong day, or not the thing you thought, or something like that. I've had that happen so many times, I swear. I'm sorry you felt awkward, but I do think it's good you tried, and I really don't think that person likely thought anything of it, like Carly said. And even if they had? Big whoop. We all make these mistakes.

It's okay that you had whatever reaction you did to Cloudburst. Do you want to talk about what made you uncomfortable? Or this date? I see another reactive message in moderation, so I'm not sure where things are right now with you. I'm heading out for the day in a few, but jut wanted to check in.

[sky]

It just made me uncomfortable seeing them all happy and together I guess. Like seeing them in bed together laughing I just couldn’t do it. I probably won’t go on a date with her. I’m talking to this guy and we’re planning on having sex I think this weekend or next.

[Sam W]

Do you have a sense of why those scenes made you uncomfortable?

If you're thinking about being sexual, have you gone back to the post Heather made up-thread about the considerations you need to make about your physical and emotional health when being sexual? Do you feel ready to take those things into account?

[sky]

The older I get the more I realize I’m homophobic.

And yeah I took those into consideration but I’m not ready to do this but I have to do this, so I’ll suffer the consequences later.

[Heather]

I know it's hard to claim that, but I think that it's a really important first step for you. It is very clearly something you struggle with a lot and very deeply.

So, you know that there is no obligation to keep a date you made. Everyone can and does cancel dates for all kinds of reasons, including no reasons at all. You can be honest -- "I'm so sorry, but I'm actually really struggling with my identity right now, and I'm not ready for this and it wouldn't be fair to either of us" -- or you can make something up -- "I think I may have had a COVID exposure" -- or you can not give any reason at all -- "I'm sorry, but I have to cancel the date and I won't be able to reschedule. Take care of yourself, and I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you." But what is profoundly dishonest is any suggestion that anyone who makes a date has to go once they have. No one has to do that, including you. If you choose to, and you choose to create a situation that causes you any kind of suffering, that will be a choice you're making to cause yourself that suffering, not some kind of natural or inevitable consequence. You get to make that choice if you want to, but I think the least you owe yourself is that honesty with yourself, you know?

[sky]

I literally just told a queer community that I’m homophobic and you’re still nice to me? Wow..

[Heather]

If literally anyone -- anyone, absolutely including queer people -- tells you that they do not have at least some internalized homophobia, biphobia and transphobia, they are seriously kidding themselves. We are ALL homophobic, there's no way we can come up in this world and not be to at least some degree. The world is so homophobic, and it's so baked into our culture so overtly and covertly that we all internalize it to some degree.

Now, to what degree varies, and the same goes with how much work any of us has done to remedy that for ourselves, and what success any of us has had with that work thus far.

But if anyone in queer communities isn't kind to you when you own that? Well, I don't know what to say. This is a simple reality for everyone leaving in a heterocentric and homophobic world.

[sky]

Are you running chat today heather? Maybe we can talk there again?

[Heather]

I am, for about 15 more minutes today.

[sky]

Can you just re tell me that I don’t need to force myself to have sex I dont want with a gender I don’t want.. I have plans too but I really don’t want to