Just need some reassurance

[sky]

You know I just need to suck up the fact I’m asexual. I don’t need to do things I don’t wanna do. I’m just struggling with my identity and I wish you guys could make it all better..

[Sofi]

I wish we could make it all better, too. Really. And I'm glad to repeat it, but it seems you already know it yourself--you absolutely, under no circumstances "have" to have sex with ANYONE you don't want to, regardless of their gender. You deserve to have sex only when you're ready (mentally, emotionally, physically) and when it's with someone you like, who respects you and is kind to you and you're attracted to. That does include not having sex at all! Many people are asexual and that's perfectly fine too. What makes you say you need to suck up the fact you're asexual? Does the idea of sex with a woman seem more appealing, or still not something you're actually interested in? Sexual identity can be very confusing and no one here is going to judge you for being rightfully confused about it, btw.

[sky]

I’m sorry I’m talking so much all the time. I just wanna be able to accept myself and understand myself. I’m so thankful for all of you that have talked to me and made me feel supported and cared for and not judged. I appreciate you all. <3

[Heather]

That's literally what these services are here for, and I'm so glad that we can do this for you. <3

(I'm afraid I have to head off now myself, alas, I got boosted and flu-shot yesterday and it is kicking my tucas like nobody's business, but hang in there, pal.)

[sky]

I’m under the influence and am thinking really deeply and feeling a lot so I’m gonna type a lot.

I feel like a part of me is broken for thinking I’m asexual. The fact that I don’t wanna have sex for the enjoyment it’s for the task of having sex (I learned that today in therapy!!) makes me feel like I did something wrong.

I feel like I’m wrong and gross for wanting to touch and kiss girls. I talked to my therapist about having sex when the guy and I couldn’t even talk about it and when I did she was like it doesn’t even sound like you want to do it. I didn’t say that she could tell by the way I was talking about him. She said I was setting myself up for something I was gonna regret. She also says he has to earn the prize and he hasn’t done anything to earn it, he’s just been nice to me. I don’t owe him sex because he’s kind I felt like I owed him a sexual favor.

I don’t know, I just know that I don’t like who I am. I wish I could change it’s just so hard to change who you really are and what I am is an asexual homoromantic…..

[sky]

I quit therapy today

[Sam W]

Can I ask why? It sounds like your therapist was really supportive in that conversation you had and was advising you to not do things that would make you feel crummy just because you felt you had to.

[sky]

Because it’s a waste of money and I don’t need to pay someone to lie to me that I’m worth anything

[Sofi]

How did that situation go, you quitting - did you tell her this was the reason why, and how did she respond? Btw, you don't pay us and we agree with her (that you're worth something). She's not lying to you, she means it.

[sky]

She said she’s sorry I feel the way I do but it’s my decision. It also hurt me last night because I was like my bar is on the ground and she said my bar is lower. She’s not wrong but like damn lol.

[sky]

We talked on the phone and she told me when I want to quit that’s when you need to go the most.

I drank again tonight and felt like I was in control because I didn’t get drunk but I shouldn’t have drank and I regret it because I was sober for so long…

I just fuck everything up all the time. Every time I breathe I mess something up. I’m never gonna have sex because no one wants me and because I mess it up with people before I can let them in because I refuse to let them in. I can’t let them in because I’ve been hurt so much in my life starting at age 3 that I can’t bare to feel that again. The pain from that loss was pain I still feel everyday. Also im high right now and I’m emotional. I just never feel enough. I feel like I’ll never be enough for anyone and that im not worth anything.

Also I kinda feel like I might be non binary again…. So I’m dealing with that too (yay!) awesome!

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

I'm not letting the other post through since it's that negative self-talk we've set boundaries around before. While I don't think it's always true that the time we want to quit therapy is the time we need it most (sometimes an approach just isn't meeting our needs), I think your therapist is right that you're impulse to end things right after the session where you really opened up to her and she affirmed that you deserved to only have sexual experiences that made you happy is a sign you should continue seeking help. How do you feel about reaching out to her and asking to re-start the sessions?

[sky]

Also yes I did re open the sessions

[sky]

Heather- If you’re running chat today , maybe we can talk for a bit in it? If you don’t mind.. I have some new things I wanna talk about

[Heather]

Hey there, Sky. I work chat on Mondays and Tuesdays in the afternoons these days. happy to talk with you if you want during either of those shifts this week.

One thing I'm going to ask you is to try to post here when you're sober instead of using anything. I ask that as a general community ask, but I also ask it for me right now, since you and I talk a lot. I'm in the wake of a very major loss in my life that involves substance abuse, and so right now, it's just a personal boundary that I'm going to need to feel safe in our interactions and staying engaged, okay? I appreciate it if you can, and if you can't, I am happy to see what/who we can find for you for those times to communicate with instead.

I'm sorry that you're feeling regret around breaking your sobriety. Chances are, it's probably something you'll experience more than once as you get yourself sober, and hopefully you can learn what you need to from it, not give yourself a hard time about it, dust off your knees and start over. <3 I also hope you can do the same with therapy, as a side note.

It's so hard to feel like you're in a forever cycle of messing things up and being messy. I know what that feels like, and it really is so rough. And exhausting. And demoralizing, oh my goodness, so demoralizing.

But you are enough. And this really won't be forever even though it probably feels like it already has been and then some. And your value doesn't change because you have trauma and pain you are learning to manage. It really doesn't.

[sky]

Yeah I’m sorry. I just feel like the only time I actually feel anything is when I’m high so I spill my guts but I’ll stop for you of course, I’m very sorry <3

I talked to ruby today and they helped me so incredibly much. I’ve never felt so understood before. They pointed something out to me that I never thought of and it’s when you’re suicidal after an action it’s your body’s way of telling you it’s not safe. I also realized from them that I’m not stupid I’m traumatized and I’m taking my negative experiences and trying to create my own power.

I’ve been doing some research and I think I might be kinda aromantic. Something to make me feel even more broken again.

[Heather]

Thanks for working with that boundary, I really appreciate it.

I'm so glad you had a conversation with Ruby and that it was such a good one for you. That's awesome. And they're right, and that's really astute: if we want to self-harm after something in any way, most of the time it's because that something was, if not traumatic or dangerous, not something that has left us feeling good. And you're right: being traumatized isn't some sort of failing. Trauma is something -- or things -- that has happened to us and then all the myriad of impacts it has on our minds and the rest of our bodies. All of that is almost entirely outside of our control and how it impacts us doesn't tell us who is awesome and who is defective. What it usually tells us mostly is who was able to build up some resilience somewhere and who wasn't, who has how much privilege and who doesn't, and what the circumstances of people's lives are, and so forth. I love what you're saying here about creating your own power.

There's also nothing broken about our diversity as people when we vary from broadly presented norms. You know, all of these newer terms are really only new words for a huge spectrum that has always, always existed, and it isn't that everyone else except a few people are so "normal" as it is that so many people only ever learned norms or that they needed to conform to them. Look up "compulsory heterosexuality" if you're in the mood for an eye-rolling but probably very illuminating rabbit hole of epic proportions.

[Heather]

Hey, Sky. Bunch of posts in moderation and I'm seeing them all, but let's see where you are today first, okay? Where are you at right now?

[sky]

I’ll jump in chat when it’s live again

[Heather]

You got it.

[sky]

Well…. Some shit happened tonight and I’m definitely bisexual and I’m definitely not asexual. Lol

[sky]

How soon is to soon to have another partner?

[Heather]

There's no universal answer to this.

But per our conversation just yesterday afternoon about you, in particular, can you recall where we left it, talking about taking *at least* a few days to experience and process all your feelings about this last one before you even think about that?

[sky]

I’m gonna block him and not act sexually again. Ever. I don’t need it again. I regret it and I just want to forget it ever happened. I hate that I did any of it.

[sky]

What I did it isn’t normal and I’m sorry for always bothering you guys. I’m spiraling really bad