I like my body but I feel so uncomfortable in it

[sydneytoad]

Everywhere online when I search how I feel, shows me articles about body image and weight gain etc. But I actually like how my body looks and I’m not insecure about that.
What bothers me is the feeling I get in my stomach sometimes if I feel like someone is looking at me (mostly men) or if I’m wearing something revealing. I get a sick feeling in my stomach and I feel disgusting and I hate it. I want to be able to wear low cut tops or just anything in general (sometimes the feeling comes and I’m wearing a jumper) and feel confident and not disgusting.
I don’t know what brought on this feeling either and it doesn’t always happen, but it prevents me from dressing or doing things I like because the feeling is so horrible.
Do you know what this is? I’m 23 and felt like this throughout my teen years.

Hopefully I’m not the only one who feels this although I’d hate to think other people do…

[Sam W]

Hi sydneytoad,

You're far from the only person who has negative or otherwise unpleasant feelings when you notice other people turning their attention to you. So, there's nothing wrong or bad about feeling that way (other than it's a crummy way to feel).

Can you say a little more about those feelings of disgust? Do they seem to center on what you think the person looking at you might be thinking (e.g "ugh, look at their [body feature]" or something overly sexual)? Or does it seem to come from feeling like drawing attention to yourself or body is somehow bad?

[sydneytoad]

I guess it’s more to do with what they’re thinking? But sometimes it’s just that I don’t want to be thought of in that way, I want to just be a person who has a brain and not just be something nice to look at.

But I want to be okay with just being looked at because I want to feel comfortable in myself, I just don’t know how.

[Sam W]

Got it. One thing that can help is to remember that we can't control what other people think about us, especially people who only get a fleeting look at us when we're out and about. That can be disconcerting (especially if you're prone to worrying what other people think about you anyway), but ultimately it means you're not responsible for their thoughts. All you can do is present yourself in whatever way feels comfortable to you.

Just to check, do you have past experiences where being looked at or drawing attention to yourself has involved something negative, like catcalling or bullying?

[sydneytoad]

Yeah, I’ve had a few bad experiences especially when wearing something revealing.
I just wish it didn’t affect me..

[Sam W]

That's totally understandable; I've definitely been catcalled and then, the next time I went to wear the thing I was wearing when it happened, had the dueling thoughts of "oh no, will this make it happen again" and "ugh I wish this didn't effect me at all."

There are a couple of things I've found helpful in navigating those feelings; one is accepting the fact that it often doesn't matter what I'm wearing. I've been catcalled wearing all sorts of things, because ultimately harassment is about the other person and what they feel entitled to do to others, not about what I'm wearing. That's an incredibly bleak thought in some ways, but it also means that I've grown comfortable wearing whatever I want in public because if I'm facing the risk of harassment either way, I may as well do it in an outfit I love, you know?

Another thing that can help is to work out what things help you respond to or deal with harassment. I really like the guide Hollaback has, since it acknowledges how jarring this can be: https://www.ihollaback.org/responding-to-harassers/

[sydneytoad]

I’ll give it a read! Thank you for your help!

[Sam W]

You're very welcome!