Cannot orgasm anymore

[Rubix]

So, I'm 21 years old. I'm a trans woman who is AMAB. I've been on HRT since May 3rd, 2021. Recently I've been noticing my sex drive start to increase again (my libido went way down in the months shortly after starting HRT). I've been masturbating, and trying to orgasm. The issue is that I can't seem to orgasm at all.

I spent about 20-30 minutes reading lesbian erotica last night and getting really turned on. Before starting HRT, it took me only a few minutes to get hard. Now it takes me 20-30 minutes. After reading this erotica, and getting hard, I spent a long time playing with my girldick. It felt really good but there was no release. It was just a massive build up and then a wall. I stopped and felt very tired and very sexual frustrated. This is how most of my masturbation sessions have been going recently. I think it's because the normal way I masturbate (gripping the shaft and stroking up and down) feels way to masculine for me to fully enjoy it. However, this is how I've always masturbated and I'm not sure how to change it.

I have a vibrator that I love using on the head of my girldick, but that quickly shifts from pleasure to lots of pain. I've also got a vibrating prostate toy that feels so pleasurable, but even that doesn't work to push me over the edge.

Am I broken? Is HRT making it impossible for me to orgasm? I know I can orgasm, because I've done it in the past. I just wonder what's changed and how I can learn to orgasm again.

[Heather]

Hey there, Rubix.

You know, when someone voices being in this kind of space -- both having so much trouble like this and being in a space of big change in some way, like with a medical transition -- what I generally suggest is seeing if you can't just start all the way over. In other words, my best advice is to think of yourself as having NO information and NO experience with any of this, starting with a blank slate, and exploring your whole body (not just genitals) and the whole spectrum of pleasure and sexuality for you from that kind of starting place. Do you know what I mean?

I find that tends to be a much less frustrating and positive way to come at this than thinking of ourselves as "broken" in some way and in need of "fixing," which is basically negative and frustrating by design, you know? On the other hand, kind of seeing it all as a brand new adventure is instead filled with possibility and promise, which is both a lot less demoralizing and sets our minds and bodies up in a better headspace for success in finding pleasure.

On that note, the surest way to have trouble reaching orgasm is to try to orgasm. Instead, you really want to just try and focus on pleasure and enjoyment, on what feels good to you in all the ways, without getting focused on or attached to whether it leads to orgasm or not. And if and when anything stops feelings good or starts feeling frustrating, you'll want to stop, because negativity can create patterns that make this all harder.

Since your body and your sense of yourself in it is also changing, I might also suggest doing some visualizing or journaling to help yourself kind of adjust to those changes and how you experience and visualize your sexual self. That might also give you some ideas of new ways to masturbate (and again, maybe it's not just genitals) that could be a better fit for you now.

As to why this is happening, it's so hard to say. The world we have all been living in has made orgasm and pleasure and so much of sexuality more of a challenge for so many of us, HT or no. And sure, estrogen therapy can also play a part, though at this point I would expect that to have leveled out for you (though that's always something you can check in with your prescribing provider about, too).

How does all of this sound as some starting places?

[Rubix]

Heather,
This all sounds great. I do find that my more recent masturbation sessions are generally very goal focused and all about achieving that elusive orgasm. In the past few months, however, I've noticed my chest go from completely flat to being A cups. I know that cis women find their boobs and nipples quite sensitive, so perhaps mine are too. I know very little about what kind of touch feels best on my new boobs. Do you think it would be a good idea to spend a while exploring my new boobs and figuring out if I like nipple play? I feel like a breast massage might feel really lovely, but I'm not sure.

Do you have any guides I can read on how to do a safe and pleasurable breast massage? I'm not sure how to add this in to my play sessions.

[Rubix]

Also, is it possible to enjoy masturbation and even orgasm with a soft penis? I'm finding that getting fully hard takes a lot of time and energy and I usually get bored by the time I'm hard.

[Carly]

Hey Rubix -- I think it's always a good idea to explore new sensations, especially if you're having the experiences you're having. Sometimes the fact that you're having a difficult time can make it harder to orgasm because you're aware of your frustration or that you're bored. There are so many ways to experience sensual touch and pleasure, and it's all very unique to us as individuals. It is possible to masturbate, experience pleasure, and even orgasm with a soft penis but it's not quite something we can give you directions for beyond encouraging you to explore it for yourself. If trying to get fully hard is taking a lot right now, I think finding ways to experience pleasure without it is an excellent idea.

[Rubix]

Carly, or anyone else who has info on it:
Do you think taking an evening where I focus solely on my new boobs would be a good idea?

[Carly]

Hi again -- like I said, I think it's always a good idea to explore new sensations especially if what you normally do isn't doing it for you. I'm not sure what will work for you, but if you feel turned on and excited by the changes in your body I say go for it. When you say "info on it" - what kind of information are you looking for? What questions do you have about trying this?

[Rubix]

I guess what I looking for is a list of things to try when it comes to breast play, because I'm not sure how I should touch my boobs. Do I just squeeze them? Do I twist and pull my nipples? What options exist here? Also, I'm just worried that I might accidentally hurt myself when playing with my boobs, and that doesn't seem good.

[Carly]

As for what options exist it's really whatever feels good for you, truly! There is no one definition or guide for "breast play" and what people find pleasurable varies. Lightly squeezing your breasts is definitely a place to start. In fact, I recommend that you anything you try you first try lightly because it's your first time, you're not sure what you will like, and of course don't want to accidently hurt yourself. Many people feel varying degrees of pleasure from rubbing, pinching, twisting, or pulling their nipples as well. You could maybe even try more of a rub or massage around whole breast rather than concentrating on your nipples. The only way to find out what you like is to experiment with different kinds of touch and see what feels good to you.

[Rubix]

So, I just spent the last hour or so focusing solely on my new breasts (no touching of my girldick). It was wonderful. I started really slow and gently, but by the end I was being a bit rougher. At the end of the hour I was in a mental state where just a quick squeeze of my nipples would send waves of pleasure across my whole body. While I didn't orgasm from this, it felt so pleasurable (and not having an orgasm tonight is totally fine!). My girldick felt alive with pleasure, despite me never touching it. This was definitely the best self-love session I've had all month. Can I still call it masturbation even though there was no genital touching at all?

Are there other places on my body I can try touching, besides the obvious genitals and prostate? I want to keep branching out in my ability to feel pleasure from my body. I think these areas of my body would be called erogenous zones. Is that the right term?

[Sam W]

Hi Rubix,

I'm so glad that session went well, and it certainly sounds like masturbation to me! After all, there's no rule that says masturbation absolutely must include genitals.

And yep, erogenous zones is the term you're looking for! Honestly, those zones can be anywhere on your body, since each person's body is a little different in how the different parts respond to touch. If you're looking for some starting places, typical erogenous zones include the lips, tongue, palms and fingers, the soles of the feet, the inner thighs, neck, ears, and armpits. It can also help to set aside time for a self-massage session where you can explore how touch feels on different parts of your body. Some people also find that combining a particular sensation--like heat or chill, or something like soft fabric, or even something bristly like a dry brush--helps bring their erogenous zones to the forefront.

[Heather]

Hey there, Rubix. I'm glad that my suggestions led you in a helpful direction. Hooray!

Just to be clear, all "masturbation" ultimately means is something we do for ourselves and to ourselves that ticks the box of sexual or sensual pleasure for us. Just having it be about genitals is a lot like the idea that sex has to just be about intercourse or genitals -- it's patriarchal or heteronormative hangover, you know? But when we approach sex and sexuality in a more holistic, whole body, whole person, diverse way, masturbation is just about sexual/sensual pleasure that's about ourselves and for ourselves. What it looks like and involves is super individual, and there are no right or wrong parts.

Why it often *does* involve the genitals and what's called the erogenous zones are just because those parts tend to be rich in sensory nerve endings, and so they tend to feel more sensitive and thus, give us more of a sensory payoff than other parts, that's all.

[Rubix]

Thank you all so much for the help here.

My masturbation session last night where I focused on my boobs was the most pleasurable session I've had all month. I'm going to keep exploring other parts of my body and seeing what other kinds of touch can bring me sexual pleasure. I'll let you folks know how it goes. If I do manage to orgasm, that will be a wonderful addition to my sessions, but that's not the goal. The goal is to maximize pleasure.

I've been feeling super stressed and sore recently. In light of that, I've scheduled a full body massage at a local massage place for later today. Perhaps that will help me relax more and allow me to get even more out of masturbation sessions. I've heard that being super stressed out, like I am now, can make orgasm harder to achieve. Is that true?

[Heather]

That sounds like the perfect thing to add, all around. Your instincts are spot-on.

By all means, cortisol (the primary hormone that stress increases) and all of our sexual response cycle, orgasm included, are not a good pair. Of course, the things that often increase stress in the first place also usually aren't, either. Relaxation is what's really conducive to orgasm, and stress is the literal opposite of that.

[Rubix]

I have some fantastic news to report on this topic. Today's play session went really really well.

I returned home from my massage a few hours ago. I felt so so relaxed after the massage. I put on some sexy lingerie and read some erotica while I massaged my boobs. After a while I did a slow strip tease in front of a full length mirror. This foreplay really really helped get me in the mood quite a bit. When I placed my vibrator on the head of my girldick (which was still soft), it felt so so good. And here's the best part: I was thinking to myself "Ah, having a vibrator on my girldick feels really feminine and empowering and really really pleasurable! Ahh! Ooh!" A few minutes after putting the vibrator on my girldick, I came. I actually managed to cum for the first time in about a year! And this wasn't one of those weak orgasms I used to have before HRT. This was a much more pleasing and full body experience. Waves of pleasure were rolling through my body from my curled toes through to the top of my arched back. I feel so so wonderful right now. I'm currently basking in the afterglow.

I think the long foreplay and the massage removing all my stress was the thing I needed in order to cum today. Is that something I'll just have to get used to now that I have much more estrogen in my system? All in all it took about 45 minutes from the time I first felt turned on until my orgasm, whereas before, I could go from zero to orgasm in just a few minutes. I actually think I prefer the slow and elongated build up, because the final release was so much pleasurable and more powerful than anything I've ever experienced before!

[Sofi]

Oh, that's wonderful! I'm so glad you were able to relax and enjoy some time with yourself. It might not always take that long, there's no telling exactly, but it might be good to warm up to the idea of it taking this long for when/if it does. Keep finding ways to relax outside of play time, both physically and mentally. And as long as you're enjoying the session like you did today, there's nothing wrong with it taking a bit longer!

[Rubix]

Thank you so much Sofi for helping me come to terms with my new ways of feeling pleasure. Hearing you normalize my experiences is really helpful and gratifying.

I think taking a long time to get to orgasm isn't bad. I think setting a focus of feeling pleasure and just seeing where that takes me, with no intentions other than "feel pleasure in my body" is a good mindset to have. And honestly, I have no issues with taking a long time. In fact, I feel like all the foreplay I did made my eventual orgasm a lot more powerful than it otherwise would have been.

Now, in terms of relaxing outside of masturbation sessions, I love taking baths, especially with bubbles, and I also really enjoy drawing and writing. I'm actually working on a fantasy novel right now with a trans (MTF) main character. Do those sound like good things to do with my free time?

[Sofi]

I'm so happy to hear that <3 and to your question, yes absolutely, those sound great! Honestly the sky is the limit with how you can make time for yourself and relax. Physically, it could even be something like running/dancing/other exercise-type activity, which isn't relaxing in the moment necessarily, but after; or it could be bubble baths and massages. Then there's also things like drawing and writing, or listening to music, guided meditation, coloring books, etc. It sounds like you already have some great relaxing hobbies but if you ever feel like trying new ones, just remember there's no rule book for this--anything that gets your mind in the right place is good enough!

[Rubix]

Why is it important to learn how to relax, in ways that aren't sexual? Is it because relaxing in non-sexual ways makes it easier to feel sexual pleasure when I feel ready for that?

[Sam W]

Hi Rubix,

Yep, that's a big part of it! Relaxation is also helpful because we tend to have more pleasurable sexual experiences when we're less stressed overall. And, there's also the fact that you deserve to feel relaxed and enjoy yourself whenever possible, even if it's not related to anything sexual.

[Rubix]

Relaxing in my own body is super hard, because I don't like my genitals. I hate having a penis and testicles. I wish I could get bottom surgery to fix this. But sadly I can't start to plan that until I've been on HRT for 2-3 years and I've not yet hit one year. Do you have any advice for how I can learn to love my body? Having 36A boobs and slightly more curves than before is so wonderful, but it's not enough to offset the genital based dysphoria.

[Carly]

Hey Rubix -- I'm sorry the dysphoria you're experiencing is having such a weight on you in this way. I think you're on to something here with exploring new parts of your body and getting sexual pleasure from new sensations, but I understand if that alone won't fix the problem. We might have linked you to this before, but have you read Let's Talk About Girldick? It's not about masturbation specifically, but I think it might be an affirming starting place for body positivity and self love.

[Rubix]

Thank you so much for linking me to this article. I've now read it, and I've really enjoyed it. Going forward, it's going to quite important for me to understand that it might take a long time to figure out what kind of touch turns me on and feels good. It certainly isn't as quick and easy as it was this time last year. That's something that I'm slowly coming to terms with. It seems to me that masturbation is a lot more about being in the right state of mind to enjoy the pleasure than I initially thought.

I'm actually meeting with my therapist in person on Thursday. She specializes in dealing with trans people and their issues. Do you think it would be acceptable to ask her about ways that I can safely explore sexual pleasure without triggering my dysphoria, or is that not the kind of thing she would be able to help with? I think talking to a trained professional about my struggles in this area might be a really useful step in removing these orgasmic blocks. What do you think?

[Siân]

Hi Rubix,

You're exactly right, there is a lot to masturbation (and sexual pleasure more generally) that is about headspace - it's so much more than what body part is doing what! We say a lot more about that in the first part of this article: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

Great that you're getting to meet your therapist today! It's absolutely acceptable to tell her that you'd like to talk about sexuality generally, or the ways your dysphoria impacts your sexuality. A good therapist should be able to work on these things with you - though some have more psychosexual training than others.

Reading this thread through, I wonder if you feel like you have many connections with other trans people, or access to e.g. media and resources by, for and about trans people and trans experiences?

[Rubix]

First off, thank you for telling me that talking to my therapist about my sexuality is totally normal. That's definitely something I'll be asking her.

Secondly, I don't really have any connections with other trans folks. I wish I did, but I just don't know how to go about finding other trans folks that I can connect with.