How do you Practice Setting Boundaries?

[Sam W]

We talk a lot about boundaries here at Scarleteen, including how to create and maintain them in pieces like Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves. So, I thought we could have a thread of different ways different people have hit upon to practice setting or holding boundaries.

To give you an example--a kind of goofy one, to be sure--I realized the other day that I use the video game Animal Crossing to practice boundaries; the animals will occasionally ask you for things, including things in your inventory or things that re-direct you from whatever task you're on. I've been really making sure I only agree to things when I want to, rather than because my default is to say yes to everyone, including animated animals.

How about y'all?

[Andy]

You have my admiration, turning down something so cute as those animals takes a lot!

Well, I'm definitely not someone competent to talk about setting boundaries, I don't remember any successful attempt to set some in the past few months, but on the other hand, there weren't many attempts to begin with. (But that's definitely just because I've never played Animal Crossing )

But I think that for many people the problem is to acknowledge that they deserve to have boundaries, that they deserve to be in a relationships that make everyone involved feel happy and safe, and whenever there are two or more people involved, to achieve that, they always need some boundaries and communicating about them. Because we aren't all some clons of each other, we are all unique and have our own unique wants and needs. But way too many people feel like there are asking too much by saying what they need, but when someone around them asks for the same or even much more, they don't ever raise an eyebrow and accept others without hesitating for only one second.
So I found helpful to take notice of when and how people around me establish boundaries with me or between each other and remind myself that noone including me questiones or doubts what the person asked for, noone thinks that they are annoying or selfish for wanting a boundary! And if we don't view other people like this, why would anyone think that I am too much for asking for something?
I know, it's not easy to battle our minds and make ourselves believe that we deserve boundaries and happiness just like we believe everybody else does, but looking at it from this angle is, at least in my opinion, a good way to start.

[Emily N]

Wow, it’s really true that so often people don’t know that they deserve boundaries! I also am going to try to take your lead, Theansweris42, and try to recognize when other people do a good job setting boundaries - it’s good to learn from others

I live in a house with five other people, so I’m learning how to set boundaries this year. I really value and need “alone time” to process my week, read a book, relax, etc. But I love spending time with my housemates and have a hard time peeling myself away from conversations to spend time alone. One boundary I set (mostly for myself) is that I set one evening a week aside to spend just with myself.

[bikinksterboy]

something I do a lot is try to set very firm boundaries around having personal time to be alone or to end a conversation with a family member. I cohabit with my family and sometimes it can feel like they want me to be available 24/7, so it's important for me to take my own space and time.

[Mo]

A few things have helped me. One is that I find "practicing" setting boundaries or saying no to small things helps me feel more confident when it's a more important situation.

The other is breaking my habit of going along with things without really thinking about my feelings too much. A few years ago, I was joking around with a friend and said "my response when someone asks me for something is step one: say yes, step two: think about whether I actually want to do it or not." As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized that it wasn't really a joke at all, but something I've done for a long time that I had just gotten used to. I do my best, these days, to make my "step one" be thinking about whether a request or a situation is something I want and feel capable of handling, instead of saying yes before I can think about it.

[bikinksterboy]

dammit I do the same thing! the "step one say yes" thing. also I think that kind of automatic speech is something in general I want to change. I often feel anxious in conversation so I just like laugh or say some pat response to my girlfriend or whoever it is when they say something automatically, without even thinking of what was said in the first place, and I'll have to like stop and evaluate my actual response

[Mo]

It's such an easy habit to fall into, perhaps especially for people who have a habit of being people-pleasing or otherwise trying to avoid conflict or confrontation. In a similar vein, recently I've tried to move away from automatically saying something like "it's okay" or "don't worry about it" if someone apologizes to me. If it isn't okay, or I'm still upset about whatever happened, then I want to make sure I say that. Even switching to "thank you for the apology" feels better to me than trying to brush the entire situation aside.