period shame/embarrassment

[dollparties]

this is two questions, but tied together, i suppose! i hope that is okay.
as someone who gets a period, i’m (of course) subjected to a lot of messaging in media that i should be ashamed and embarrassed. and, of course, as a lot of people who get periods do, i internalized this from a very young age. for a long time this just meant ‘quiet bathroom trips’ and ‘constantly checking the crotch of my pants’ but now that i have a consistent sexual partner who i stay with often, i’m faced with more issues.
i can’t stop apologizing to him about having my period (which is absolutely absurd) and i am terrified to toss out my tampons in his garbage can (i have always wrapped them in toilet paper anyway, so it’s not even about it being visible) and end up bringing an old makeup bag (obviously not used for that purpose anymore!!) and putting them in there for when i get home. it makes me feel gross to be doing that, and it’s not like i have an option to just not change my tampon. i’m embarrassed, but not enough to endanger my health. do you have any tips for working on this shame?
my second issue is that i’ve very openly said ‘i can’t have sex, i’m on my period’ to him before, and he’s told me that it doesn’t bother him. i don’t think i’m opposed to the idea, but i don’t know what risks that might have? ARE there risks to having sex on your period? it’s always been presented to me as something disgusting and undesirable, but periods have been presented to me that way too, so i don’t know anymore. sorry for always saying so much, i am a person with lots to say! thank you in advance :)
(TLDR: how do i stop being ashamed of throwing out tampons at other peoples houses? is having sex on my period risky and/or disgusting?)

[Urna]

Hi dollparties!

It's completely alright to ask us multiple questions in a single post! And the more detail you give us, the easier it is to respond to your issue, so thanks for saying lots!

I relate hugely to the disposal problem you're going through, because I've had similar experiences growing up. The fact that you're trying to work on the shame is a major step forward, so I'd like you to tell me a little more about exactly which aspects of the menstrual experience seem shameful to you. Is it mainly the seeming grossness of the tampons? Is there an element of "this is not for the eyes of other people, especially men, especially a man whom I'm intimate with"? Is there any other factor? Also, when you apologize to your partner for being on your period, is it just because sex is put on hold during that time? Or is there some other reason for your apology? How does he respond to your apology, aside from saying that it doesn't bother him to not be having sex when you're menstruating? Meanwhile, I think you may find it helpful to go through our period primer, On the Rag: A Guide to Menstruation, which busts multiple myths and stigmas related to menstruation.

As for your second question--it is completely alright and perfectly healthy to have sex on your period, no risks associated! It may get a little messier than regular sex, but you can always lay towels on the bed to prevent staining and keep tissues on hand for wiping yourself down. A lot of people really enjoy sex during their periods. The fact that there's more fluids in the mix during menstruation can make vaginal intercourse smoother and more pleasurable, and many of us have higher levels of arousal during menstruation too, because there are fewer estrogens in the body then. Take a look at this article for more. Hope that helps.

[dollparties]

thank you for giving me a space to provide detail and not be seen as weird or irritating!

i think a big issue i have with throwing them out anywhere but at home is that it feels intimate, almost? (which, considering the situation between this person and i… is a bit silly to begin with.) in my head it’s one thing for someone to know you’re on your period, and another to be physically reminded of it. i think also growing up my family was VERY adamant about ‘wrap it in toilet paper, don’t talk about it, just take something for your cramps and suck it up’, so in my head, i should be completely discreet and silent about it, which doesn’t work in this situation. but feeling like it’s extra strange for a cis man to be seeing it is a good point i hadn’t thought of before, as i’ve always lived with my female family members, so it could be that as well! overall it feels very personal and like something i should be ashamed of, even though i know i shouldn’t be.
when i apologize, i think i’m presenting it as “sorry i can’t have sex right now”, and that’s probably what he perceives, but it’s also “sorry that something inevitable is happening to me, i feel like i’m gross for it”. he’s never reacted negatively or with disgust at talk of menstruation, nor has he ever asked me to not talk about it. on the contrary, really, he’ll ask how i’m doing every so often. other than saying he doesn’t mind, he really just kind of accepts the fact and moves on. he’s told me before after i’ve apologized that i really don’t need to apologize, he doesn’t care (he’s not saying it in the sense of ‘don’t tell me’, he means ‘i’m unbothered by this, apology unnecessary’). essentially, he’s completely unaffected. (which i’m thankful for, i’ve known cis men who completely shut you down for even implying that periods exist. this is refreshing, and a big part of why i’m trying to get advice on this here! it makes me feel safe enough to try?)
and i’ll for sure read through that! thank you! i forget sometimes that even though i started my period at a young age, it doesn’t hurt to refresh myself on things sometimes. i’m not all knowing! :)

thank you for the information on the second question! i talked to him over text today and did the usual “i know i’m going to see you soon, so i’m warning you that i’m on my period right now! sorry!” and we had a short conversation about it that boiled down to “we’ll see, i’m insecure, but i don’t want to completely put something off the table that both of us aren’t opposed to”. which is good, it’s progress on my part! before this, i had basically been saying “no, i’m way too insecure and i feel disgusting”. i think once we are together in person, i’d like to start another conversation with him about it, but now that you’ve reassured me that it’s not risky health-wise, i feel more confident. thank you so much!

[Urna]

Don't mention it, that's what we're here for!

Period shame can be a heavy burden, and I'm glad that with your partner, you finally have a space to be more open and unbothered about your periods. "On the Rag" (the article I'd linked you to in my previous response) goes briefly into the history of why periods are stigmatized as unclean, which I think may help you come to terms with the broader social forces behind your feelings of shame. While your period can be as private an event as you want it to be, it really is no cause for shame. And it's only for sexist reasons that we stigmatize period blood, instead of other bodily fluids like semen, or snot. For example, would you be as uncomfortable throwing out tissues that you've blown your nose into at other people's houses? Sure, some people get the ick because it's blood that comes from the vagina, and genitalia are ridiculously stigmatized too, but this is a sexual partner's house we're talking about, so that shouldn't be as much of a problem here. The shame won't disappear overnight, of course, but I think reading more about periods, in terms of both their physiological and socio-cultural aspects, should help to normalize it for you. There is so much about periods that isn't common knowledge, and there is so much awful misinformation! Until then, to deal with the disposal issue (even if it's just your own feelings of shame), you could try alternatives to tampons that don't need to be switched out every few hours, like menstrual cups! Menstrual cups can be kept in for 12 hours at a time, and disposal is very straightforward: you simply empty the blood into the toilet, wash the cup, and then reinsert it, no garbage can involved. Do you think that would help, somewhat?

Very happy to hear that your conversation on period sex has made progress!

[dollparties]

wow- the thing about tissues put it into perspective for me! that’s a really good point, i don’t think that’s anything i’d ever think twice about. i ended up bringing a ziplock bag that i used as a garbage and tossed it at home. i explained to him that i was feeling very insecure and my worry around throwing tampons out at his house. he was very understanding and said he didn’t mind, but if i was more comfortable putting them into a bag he wouldn’t stop me. (which is something i appreciate!)
i’ve been considering looking into menstrual cups, considering i tend to absolutely tear through boxes of tampons from having a heavier flow. maybe this is my sign to crack down on that research lol :)

otherwise, the weekend went well! we did have sex after i explained to him what was bothering me about it, and we talked about it for a bit. it was a good conversation and it left me feeling a lot less anxious. :) i did end up getting a bit of blood on him/his sheets, but he was very reassuring that it was fine and that he wouldn’t have had the sex if he was going to be upset by the blood.

[Sofi]

Hi dollparties! I'm up to date on the thread and I gotta say, I'm really glad it worked out this weekend! You never have to do anything you're not comfortable with, but knowing your partner is accepting and patient helps feel more comfortable, so it sounds like you're there. If sex on your period is something you enjoyed, there's really nothing wrong with making it a recurring thing - perhaps lay larger/more towels down on the sheets next time if it makes you feel calmer. As for the cups, that's a wonderful idea Urna gave you, I'm glad you're open to looking into it some more. Let us know if you have any questions during your research. <3

[dollparties]

thank you so much! this is honestly my first relationship where i feel comfortable being sexual with someone, and it’s been an adjustment to feeling safe enough to assert boundaries and discuss things. (a good adjustment, of course. :))
i definitely didn’t expect it to go so well, nor did i expect to actually enjoy it. :’) i think if there is a next time, a towel is a great idea. there wasn’t as much blood as either of us expected, so that’s a plus, but it probably never hurts to be careful and lay down a towel!

i’m definitely going to be looking into cups as soon as i have enough spare time! it’s a great idea, and definitely one i’m super on board with. something i’ve been meaning to check out for a while anyway, so now i’ve got no excuse not to! :)

[Siân]

Hi dollparties,

I'm so glad that this was a positive experience for you! It definitely sounds like you're slowly thinking through things and working on your shame, with a supportive partner too. Definitely a +1 from me on the towels recommendation, having an old or dark "messy sex" towel around can help you feel more relaxed for sure.

Was there anything else you were curious about on this?